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Badass of the Month - August 2008: Gerald Mellin
Editor's note: We were originally going to pair up this month's Badass with last month's Douchebag: Quinton "Rampage" Jackson, in order to provide some fair and balanced coverage of a fighter it's hard not to like. But then, I read something about Rampage's rampage resulting in an innocent bystander losing her pregnancy, and it just seemed kind of tactless to put up an article around a bad photoshop of QJ in the arcade game of the same name, smashing buildings and such.
But here's the picture anyway.
So instead, we're handing out this month's BMF wallet posthumously.
There aren't all that many people out there who would disagree with the fact that the Samurai were badasses. At least, I haven't run into any yet, and if I ever do, I hope I'm in my V-10, ~5 ton SUV doing 80 MPH.
After all, testing the effectiveness of your primary weapon out on prisoners may not get you invited to Susan Sarandon's house for dinner, but it does put a whole different spin on Matt Thornton's concept of "Aliveness".
But that's just one of the stripes on their Badasska black belt. The biggest one, would be the epic level of testicular fortitude they displayed by being so committed to their cause as to commit suicide in a manner that was both excrutiatingly painful for the samurai in question, and ghastly to witness if you happened to be riding in an ox cart past the scene at the time. And that's for failing at something with significant consequences, such as losing a battle, or puking broccoli all over the Shogun at a dinner party.
So with that to consider, how much more of a badass do you have to be to commit suicide for failing at marraige?
Ok, not so much. I'm sure people around the world are doing it all the time. Hell, I've always wondered why John Stamos didn't when Rebecca Romijn kicked him to the curb to hook up with the science geek from Sliders. I guess there's still time for that though, maybe it hasn't quite sunk in yet.
Offing yourself over failing at marraige does not make you an hero. But offing yourself by tying a noose to a tree then driving your convertible Aston Martin DB7 full speed into traffic after racking up hundreds of thousands in debt and cancelling your life insurance policies in order to screw your soon-to-be-former gold digging trophy spouse, sure as hell does.
Gerald Mellin, 54, was getting divorced by one of his former employees, a 33 year old woman named Mirrielle. Apparently he was an Oompa Loompa talent agent or something.
Ooompa Loompa, doopity doo
I've got an ali-mony payment from you.
What do you lose when you marry a skank?
Your family farm house and your cash in the bank.
Fortunately for the author of this piece, his wife makes a lot more money than he does. Unfortunately, he probably won't get to buy an Aston Martin any time soon, much less crash one out of spite.
Regardless, Mr. M earns the title of Badass of the Month by turning his body into a giant, blood-spurting, middle finger pointed right at his enemy. A disgraced samurai could only have prayed to Raiden to have gone out with that much style.