Badass of the Month May 2008 - Gene LeBell
Let's face it, there's nothing I find more annoying than coming upon a discussion of badassery to see <i>fictional characters</i> suggested for supposedly being badasses. Yes, we know you feel Keyzer Sosze is uber cool or admire the girth and length of Kenpachi Zaraki's zanpaktou. But we shouldn't have to turn on the dork signal to get you to understand that figments of people's imagination, whether animated by some smelly Japanese neckbeards, or put on the big screen with a $200 million budget, don't actually kick any tangible quantity of ass.
We were going to make this month about Andre the Giant. Not because of his pro-wrestling career though. We were going to nominate him because he could drink 16+ bottles of wine in one sitting. Then we came to the conclusion that this alone does not constitute badassery to the degree which should be required for being enshrined in the trophy case of Baddicus P. Assicus; especially since it would have only taken one Nancy Kerrigan to the knee to bring him down to size.
So we're going to go with someone who's done a little pro wrestling himself, although it's not his true claim to fame. This man once picked up Bruce Lee like an annoying child and carried him around the room with Lee kicking and screaming in futility. This man once made an action movie star defecate on himself as punishment for overestimating his own badassery in comparison. And this man once offended an entire nation by <i>washing his laundry</i>.
If you don't already know who we're talking about, go shoot yourself. No, seriously: I'm not speaking figuratively. I want you to find a gun, load it, put it to your head, and pull the trigger; preferrably in an area without carpet in order to avoid having someone clean up after you. If you're not a Martial Artist, you get a pass on this one, but you should at least have to punch yourself in the balls for pennance.
Gene LeBell began life by breakfalling out of his mother's womb onto the hospital floor and ipponed the doctor with a drop seonage. Growing up, he was fed a steady diet of milk and bees which provided him the strength of five grown men or seventy-five Aikidoka.
Not too long after, at 165 lbs, he won the national Judo championship in the <i>heavyweight</i> division. Shortly thereafter, Boxer Milo Savage challenged LeBell to a fight in Salt Lake City. LeBell choked him unconscious and then went out on a wild night of partying with a group of local Mormons where he hooked up with a woman who would later give birth to Mitt Romney.
Not being satisfied with his victory in SLC, he hopped a plane to Japan where if it wasn't for MacArthur disbanding the Japanese military some 20 years before, LeBell would have started another war between our countries and prevented the creation of 4chan. The "official" story was that he showed up to compete in the Judo tournament in a pink gi due to accidentally including a pair of red shorts in the laundry with his gi and other whites. But personally, we don't buy it. The scenario we find more likely is that a young Masaaki Hatsumi, upon orders from the Yakuza, was sent to stop LeBell from winning the tournament. Lebell found Hatsumi in the laundry room messing with his clothes in the dryer so he choked him out and stuffed him in with them. The pink color comes from a combination of Hatsumi's blood and urine. LeBell then went on to win the tournament and go out for another night on the town, where it is rumored that he fathered Kazushi Sakuraba.
He came back to the US to do TV and movies, appearing in shows such as The Green Hornet. Here he met Bruce Lee and showed him that Wing Chun sucked, by blocking his 1" punch with his teeth and then picking Lee up with a fireman's carry and running over to the Santa Monica pier for a hot dog with Lee still flailing on his back.
Not only did he do all his stunts, he did everyone else's stunts, and even did stunts that weren't called for in the script, just to amuse himself in between takes. LeBell would eventually become well reknowned for his excellence as a stuntman, probably even serving as the inspiration for The Fall Guy. You remember The Fall Guy, don't you? If you don't, that's ok. Every show on TV at the time had cars jumping bridges/cliffs/trains/etc so I can understand how they'd all run together in your head after a while. Wait, you weren't around when the show was on TV? WELL SCREW YOU BUDDY. GO BACK TO YOUR POKEMANS AND NARUTO AND FLINTSTONES VITAMINS.
Anyway, all the stuntmen in Hollywood revered LeBell and so when he heard that Steven Seagal was abusing the stuntmen on the set of THREE WORD TITLE, Gene apparently confronted him about it. Seagal, being the cocky asshole he is, supposedly challenged LeBell, saying that he could get out of any hold he was put in. The hold LeBell chose, my friends, was the same one which put down both Savage and Hatsumi: the rear naked choke.
Now I know you've heard this story, right? I mean, you're on the Internet after all. Seagal apparently struggled like a baby kitten caught in a food processor, was put to sleep by Judo Gene, and promptly shat himself. Yes, he soiled himself and ruined a pair of stonewashed black jeans or whatever the hell douchebags with ponytails in the 80's wore. Then lawyers were involved, and the mafia, and a young Karl Rove made up a story about LeBell having an illegitimate black child; all to keep from the public the fact that Seagal couldn't fight his way out of a wet paper bag, and was nothing but the product of movie magic provided by stuntmen such as LeBell. Fortunately, much like the contents of Seagal's bowels, this story leaked out and we now believe it is the absolute truth, because seriously, **** Aikido.
We will now include a video tribute to the honorable, esteemed Judo Gene Lebell, by Bullshido staff member Olorin:
YouTube - Gene Lebell - Bullshido.net Badass of the Month
We completely made this up. Also, Mr. Romney has wonderful hair. Please don't sue.
Hey, it could be true. At least it's more plausible than the Bujinkan's lineage.