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  1. --
    Hell yeah! Hell no!

    Phil Elmore: The Final Confrontation

    To commemorate our good friend Phil Elmore receiving the "Badass of the Month" Award for April 2008, I wish to honor the peerless Martialist by sharing one of my old Elmore-centric short stories (originally posted in this thread). Seeing as how this is a special and momentous occasion, I have decided to dust it off and give it a polish... enjoy this new special edition, which may or may not feature up to 6% more words than the previous edition!


    The Final Confrontation: a Phil Elmore Adventure
    Chapter VI
    In Which Our Protagonist
    Befalls an Unpropitious Fate

    __________________________________________________ _____________________

    Danger. He could smell it.

    Phil Elmore lurched along the suburban sidewalk, past shuttered antique stores and the looming shadow of the Hobby Lobby. It had been a beautiful day, but now the suffocating velvet blackness of evening had descended... and with it the mad denizens of the streets. Phil couldn't see them, but he could feel their sinister presence, hunched in condom-strewn alleyways and squatting cross-legged in their own offal. The whores, the pimps, the panhandlers, the thugs, the hobos, the highwaymen... he knew their sinister hour had arrived.

    But Phil was not afraid.

    He adjusted his glasses and unbuttoned his long trenchcoat as he slithered past the Home Depot. He placed one leather-gloved hand on his scabbard and the other on his holster.

    He was alert. He was ready.

    Suddenly, Phil heard echoing footsteps ahead in the dusk. He could see a figure coming toward him, like a spectre in a spider-haunted corridor. As it came closer, he could make out the figure's face and appearance under the streetlights: it was a young brown-skinned boy, perhaps no more than 13, wearing baggy pants and a dirty olive green polo shirt. A long keychain hung from the boy's right pocket. Phil poised himself, quickly realizing that this armed thug was most likely strung out on narcotics and might attempt to rob him at any moment. What other kind of person would be out at this ungodly hour of 6:45 P.M.?

    The suspicious-looking boy swiftly approached Phil. "Excuse me sir, can you tell me where the nearest bus stop--"

    "Back off," Phil hissed between gritted yellow teeth, hands on his weapons. He narrowed his beady eyes as his pale lips curled into a snarl. This is what he had trained for... he would not give up without a fight!

    "Whoa, whoa, mister!" the hooligan sputtered as he took a step forward. I just wanted to know if--"

    "I said stay away, creep!" Phil roared, hobbling back on his haunches and brandishing his katana. The sword shimmered and flashed under the imposing Starbucks Coffee sign from across the street. An intense glimmer filled his eyes as he tightened his gloved grip on the sword, the wind rustling the Whataburger wrappers and Hot Pockets crisping sleeves tucked loosely in his dark trenchcoat.

    "What the hell, esť?!" Fear and confusion spread across the young ruffian's face.

    "This is it!" Phil thought to himself as he raised the glinting weapon above his balding, pock-marked head. "I'll become a hero for this! My wife might even have sex with me again!"

    Like a demonic leopard, the young thug leaped to the side as the blade came crashing down, breaking in twain on the concrete sidewalk.

    "Ahhh! Help!" the teenager screamed at the top of his lungs. Before Phil could draw his handgun, the young trouble-marker kicked him hard in the shin, then ran like a flash down the street towards the Super Target.

    Phil yelped in pain as he collapsed in a blubbery heap on the pavement.

    "Bastard! You little bastard!" he yelled as the bandit disappeared into the night, no doubt looking for reinforcements from his street gang.

    Phil wept, tears and mucus streaming down his pale round face and seeping into his sparse beard. He removed his thick glasses and gazed upward at the darkened sky. It was time.

    "I won't let them get me... not like this, not like this," Phil muttered to himself. His quaking fingers reached inside his back pocket, pulling out a single glass capsule. Phil deftly placed it under his slobbering tongue.

    "A worthy end for one such as I," Phil Elmore drawled as his crooked teeth bit down on the bittersweet pill.

    "A worthy end... for a Martialist."

    Fin
    __________________________________________________ __

    Kid Miracleman is the celebrated author of "Longhand Ridgehand" and "Wrestlepunching: The Hidden Kata," both of which are available through Paladin Press. His popular column "Bullets and Bunkai" can be found every month in Black Belt Magazine. He lives in North Texas with his paraplegic brother and martial arts training partner, Reggie.

  2. PizDoff is offline

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    Posted On:
    7/28/2008 4:53pm

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    Hell yeah! Hell no!
    Um, could you guys PM me when you post something so we can check it over and approve it.
    Surfing Facebook at work? Spread the good word by adding us on Facebook today! https://www.facebook.com/Bullshido
  3. Kid Miracleman is offline
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    Rowsdower!

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    Posted On:
    7/28/2008 9:48pm

    Join us... or die
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    --
    Hell yeah! Hell no!
    Damn, sorry about that, I didn't know that I was even supposed to contact a staff member directly after posting an article... I wasn't sure how the whole approval process worked. I almost completely forgot about this article, I thought the reason it was never approved/posted back in April was because it was deemed "really lame" by the staff and summarily ignored/deleted.
  4. MrBadGuy is offline
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    Posted On:
    7/31/2008 10:17pm

    supporting member
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    --
    Hell yeah! Hell no!
    I remember when I first read this, and I thought it was hilarious. This version has, or it seems like it has, many more rib tickling adjectives.

    If I had to pick a favorite part, "Yellow teeth" struck me as brilliant. I hope you'll post a forum version of Longhand ridgehand soon.
  5. Snake Plissken is offline
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    When I Get Back

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    Posted On:
    8/01/2008 1:37pm

    supporting member
     

    --
    Hell yeah! Hell no!
    LOL.

    Elmore has had sex?
  6. Kid Miracleman is offline
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    Posted On:
    12/22/2008 12:08am

    Join us... or die
     Style: On Hiatus

    --
    Hell yeah! Hell no!
    Holy poop, Phil's got a YouTube account!

    http://www.youtube.com/user/PhilElmoreDotCom

    Here's his "welcome" video:

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=crvz3ou0EN4

    I know I should really post this in the Videos sub-forum (Lord knows I give enough people grief about posting vids in YMAS), but I figured what the hell. It's so strange to finally hear his voice and see him move. He's a lot... "twitchier" than I imagined.

    And my God, that eyebrow... that cocked eyebrow!
  7. MrBadGuy is offline
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    Posted On:
    12/22/2008 12:11am

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    --
    Hell yeah! Hell no!
    Dude, he's so peppered.

    P.S. Bored miracleman is bored.
  8. Kid Miracleman is offline
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    Rowsdower!

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    Posted On:
    12/22/2008 12:15am

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    --
    Hell yeah! Hell no!
    Quote Originally Posted by Taco Strap
    Dude, he's so peppered.

    P.S. Bored miracleman is bored.
    Jeez dude, that was a fast reply.

    Stop stalking me!

    Oh, and here's a video of Phil being attacked by a toy chicken:

    YouTube - Silently Murderous Chicken
  9. TheMarquis is offline

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    Posted On:
    4/28/2009 7:45am


     Style: JJ/Freestyle

    --
    Hell yeah! Hell no!
    How the hell did I miss this one - It's a Gem!

    I'm now being looked at strangely, as I'm giggling quietly to myself at my desk at work.

    there's going to be some +REP for this....

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