Posted On:2/22/2008 12:38am
Please note that this is not intended to offend serious MMA fighters and martial artists, but rather it is a jab at all the TUF noobies, tough guys, and UFC hipster kids.
The Ultimate Guide to Becoming an Ultimate Fighter
So, you want to be a fucking fighter, eh? It can’t be too hard, since you see guys on television all the time doing it. You don’t need years of dedicated training, just a few months of drills and some basic rules to live by and you too can be an Ultimate Fighter!
First off, from the following categories, choose one item from each that best fits your background.
Reasons for Wanting to Fight
-You are the most athletic person you know, and no other sports are capable of challenging you anymore.
- Because you are from the streets and it’s how you represent.
- You are the chosen soldier of Jesus. He gives you the power to beat the **** out of your fellow man as a result.
- You have a crippled/terminally ill/retarded child at home. The pain he faces everyday inspires you to get in the cage and beat people up for money.
- You tried the “nine ta five thing” and it “wasn’t for you”. You know in your heart that you’re not really a fighter; you just want an excuse to not have to be a contributing member of society.
- You are an educated white-collar worker with a satisfying job and a good salary. However, you recently heard about this Ultimate Fighting thing and found out that UFC fighters make more than you do. You can afford the best personal trainers in the world and know that a lucrative new career is just a few g’s a month away.
- You grew up in a rough neighborhood and everyday you had to fight just to stay alive.
- You are an unemployed high school dropout who somehow managed to convince a MMA coach to let you live in his gym and train there for free.
- Your dad/grandmother/little sister used to beat you as a kid or was never there for you. Now that you are older you take that rage and dish it out on your opponents.
- You’re a white suburban kid who used to be in a “gang” who has since turned his life around and is now using his aggression to excel at MMA instead of jumping old people outside of strip malls.
- Your style is MMA. You and your friends watch the UFC and imitate the moves on each other in your parent’s back yard. Why bother training in striking or grappling specifically, when you’re already a jack of all trades?
- Your styles are Muay Thai and Brazillian Jiu Jitsu. There aren’t any actual schools nearby so mainly you just sort of read books and watch videos, but to you, it’s serious training. You’re not exactly sure why you train these styles, but it’s what everyone else says works and you don’t want to feel left out. When someone asks you what you’re background is, you always coolly respond “Oh you know, Mauy Thai and Bee-Jay-Jay.”
- Your style was karate. You gave it up the first time you saw The Ultimate Fighter. Now you train MMA. If anyone ever mentions your karate background, deny it and simply say “Katas are for pussies.”
- Your style is Brazillian Jiu Jitsu. You heard it was the most cage-effective martial art, and after training in it for two months, you are now officially a badass. You’re the kind of guy who sneaks up on his friends and jokingly puts them in rear-naked-chokes all the time, just waiting for onlookers to seem impressed. Because no one who’s not pro fighter in training understands basic choke holds the way you do.
- Your style is Boxing. You like to bang and know for a fact that you have the best hands on the planet. You are constantly tapped out every time you enter a MMA rules match, but you refused to train in grappling or acknowledge them as loses because “rolling around on the ground with another man ain’t real fightin’”.
- Your style is wrestling. You have never thrown a punch in your life, but that’s okay. All you have to do is take down your opponent, cat-nap on him for a few rounds and you can snooze your way to the top. Not only will you win your fights, but you don’t even have to actually do anything that even remotely resembles fighting.
-You are a streetfighter. You hear buzzwords like “Jiu Jitsu” and “muay thai” all the time, but see no reason to supplement your training beyond the periodic weekend brawl. Why bother having someone teach you how to fight, when you already have the best instructor of them all: the street.
- You got married at the age of 18 and have a nutty wife with four kids. You are of the belief that getting married and having kids at such a young age somehow makes you a better fighter.
- You have six children and counting; all from different women. You started fighting for the *****, now you continuing fighting for child support money.
-You are currently dating the love of your life and soul mate who you planning on spending the rest of your life with. Your two month anniversary is coming up. Fighting is your life, but if your new girlfriend told you to stop fighting, you know you’d do it in a heartbeat, you *****-whipped rascal, you.
- If you enter the fight game single, once you make it big you must either date a supermodel or a porn star. Common interests and intelligence are irrelevant. Remember, a fighter is only as marketable as his trophy wife/girlfriend.
Alright, now that you have identified your current situation, we’ll talk about how to start living like a true Ultimate Fighter. Remember, fighting isn’t just a sport, it’s a lifestyle!
Clothing – Tapout, Sprawl, and Xtreme Couture during the week, Affliction on weekends, and wifebeaters at the gym. No exceptions.
Hair – Shaved. If you’re a striker, then a tough-guy hawk is also acceptable. Caps can be worn outside of the cage, but only off-set to the side, gansta style.
Facial Hair – Goatee. If you can’t grow a goatee, then you obviously don’t have enough testosterone to compete in MMA.
Tattoos – Extensive tattooing is required in order to let your opponents know that you mean business when you step into the cage. Angry faces and skulls are your best bet. Tribal tattoos and giant crosses are also very effective.
Body – You must be ripped to shreds if you want to intimate your opponent. Having giant guns is more important than knowing exactly how to use them effectively. A little bit of a gut is also acceptable, though only if it is beer-induced.
Makeup – Crazy hair dye jobs are good, but only when you have a fight coming up. Black toenail polish is okay to use too, but if you deviate from black or get any on your fingernails, then you are a damn fruitcake who deserves a beatdown.
- Find a really old tire and beat the **** out of it with a sledgehammer while wearing a snorkel.
- Find a farm. Work on said farm.
- Find a really long flight of stairs. Run up and down the stairs 30 times and do bicep curls between runs.
- Have lots of sex with bar sluts and claim that it’s all the cardio training that you need.
- Get together with your friends and have bench press contests.
- Beer – Drink lots of it. It helps you improve as a fighter even more if you destroy a house while drinking with your friends.
- A country breakfast – Gives you magical powers if you are a wrestler.
- Whatever Hooters serves.
- Take anything that has words like “cell”, “plex”, or “tech” in their name. These are all code-words for “gives you the strength to kill the **** out of people”.
-Xyience - Sure they may be bankrupt, but this is the stuff that made Chuck Liddell, Matt Hughes, Rich Franklin, and Tim Sylvia world champions. Do everything in your power to acquire some, even if it means selling your motorcycle and stealing money from your mother.
-Steroids - If you can afford it, take steroids. Every good athlete has at least tried them at some point in their career, what better time than now? If you ever test positive, simply blame an over the counter GNC supplement for containing trace amounts of anabolic substances.
- With Friends – Drop as many f-bombs into everyday conversation as possible. This makes you sound like a badass. Also, refer to all your friends as “bro”.
- At Parties – Talk about how hardcore you are at all times. If you see a guy at a party you know you could take, then let everyone around you know that you could kick his ass because you know MMA. Not only do you walk the walk, you talk the talk like a true warrior.
- Shows - The Ultimate Fighter and TapouT are all you’ll ever need to watch.
-Movies - ‘300’. Watch it over and over again. Not only can you relate to the Spartan’s ability to kick ass so efficiently, but you are also educating yourself because the film is historically accurate down to the very last detail. Even though it’s not out yet, ‘Never Back Down’ is officially your favorite movie of all time.
-DVDs - UFC event DVDs. Other organizations aren’t real enough and everything before UFC 52 is either not important or didn’t actually happen.
- Books - As a general rule, there are only two kinds of books worth reading; those about fighting and those about Jesus. The bible is an obvious choice. Be sure to read Matt Hughes and Chuck Liddell’s autobiographies and talk about how talented they are at not just fighting, but also writing. You have no idea what a ghostwriter is.
Now that you’re living like the Ultimate Fighter that you are, here’s how you compose yourself when fight time comes.
- Nu-Metal - Anything and angry and heavy, just as long as it’s still radio friendly and not too obscure. “Let the Bodies Hit the Floor” by Drowning Pool makes you an automatic winner.
- Hip Hop - Any rap song that is about bustin’ caps in ganstas, smokin' fatties, and bangin’ hos, ‘cause that’s how you roll.
Before the fight
- In promos, use phrases like “stand and bang” and “knock his ass out”. Insult your opponent by saying that he has a weak chin and subtly insinuated that he may be on some sort of banned performance enhancer. If your opponent is more than five years older than you, call him an old man and mention that the sport has evolved too much since his time. End every pre-fight interview by saying “It’s gonna be a war!”
- Before walking to the ring, make sure that you are wearing attire that is plastered with no less than 75 sponsors. 90% of the sponsors should be fight-related, and the other 10% should be either porn companies or birth control supply outlets.
After the Fight
What to do if You Lose
- Say you severely injured your ACL or had a near fatal staph infection a month before the fight and are breaking the news for the first time now that you just lost. No one actually noticed your injury in training, but assure the crowd that you were so messed up that you couldn’t even lift weights without risking death and as a result you were not able to properly prepare for this fight.
- Tell everyone that your opponent didn’t actually beat you, but it was in fact you that beat you. Then, proceed to explain in an incoherent semi-philosophical way about how you weren’t yourself in this fight, how you didn’t show up mentally, how you lost the fight before you opponent even touched you, etc. After babbling randomly and confusing the hell out of the crowd for several minutes straight, assure all your fans that you’ll be back to your old ass-kicking self in your next fight.
- Break down in tears and pretend that your opponent is your new best friend. Even if you hate his guts, you can at least salvage some “class act” points by hugging him and saying that it was an honor to get your ass handed to yourself by his hands. Disregard all the trash talking you did pre-fight.
What to do if You Win
- Jump up and down spastically while flexing your muscles and shouting threats at your unconscious opponent.
- Tell your opponent that you were not impressed with his performance.
- Give props to your opponent for stepping up to fight you. Tell him that you respect him and mention that he “almost had” you early on in the fight. Hug him after the fight and tell him how great of a fighter he is. Again, disregard all those personal insults you made about him before the fight.
In any Event…
-You must either thank the troops or Jesus. Even though you don’t fully understand why, you acknowledge that without them you wouldn’t be fighting here tonight.
Posted On:2/22/2008 12:51am
Style: Ronin wannabe
Hahahaha. Great list.
Also make sure to get real emotional when talking about your little children and how you fight for them so everyone will know you are SERIOUS FOR REALZ.
Enforcer of Northeast Anti-Silliness Department Inc.
Posted On:2/22/2008 12:52am
Style: Kaju, BJJ, Judo, Kempo
it was funny....but you dragged it out. Too much effort actually.
Knowing is not enough, you must apply...
...Willing is not enough you must do ~Bruce Lee
Posted On:2/22/2008 1:59am
I got tired for you.
Posted On:2/22/2008 3:17am
That was great....that mohawk/shaved hair/tattoo thing is one reason why people think MMA is too "rough" or "common" IMO....and also, I think the ground and pound, especially, makes people squeamish. I know when I first saw it I felt like it was a bit extreme...To an extent, I still wince when I see it happen, but it's an effective, common-sense technique.
Anyway, hilarious list.
Posted On:2/22/2008 7:46am
Ah, c'mon guys, it was funny...maybe I will do a european version of this list, with a a clear division between this side of europe(portugal, spain, france, etc) and countries from the former eastern bloc....hummmm
Posted On:2/22/2008 8:04am
Style: Bits and pieces
Originally Posted by Nathan McScary
Happy birthday to me.
Posted On:2/22/2008 8:09am
Style: Bocksing, ngBJJ
The list was amusing. It would've been funnier if you left out the disclaimer and lured some noobs.
Ad Hominem rocks.
Posted On:2/22/2008 8:10am
Style: BJJ, mma
I found it amusing.
Posted On:2/22/2008 8:53am
:f-off: :gay: thats all i have to say about that
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