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  1. Meex is offline
    Meex's Avatar

    Loving Father

    Join Date
    Mar 2004
    Location
    Upstate
    Posts
    3,000

    Posted On:
    1/30/2008 6:28pm

    supporting member
     Style: Tao Ga

    --
    Hell yeah! Hell no!
    January 30, 2008



    Red Elvis
    Gulag Camp 14,
    Northern Siberia



    Dear Mr Red Elvis,

    As you may not yet be aware, the Fu Ling Yu Cultural Association is in receivership. After
    careful research we have found your customer information, and your order has been processed. The charges to your credit card were for shipping, only. (China is a foreign country, you know!) And, your monthly installment plan via bank wire transfer has been approved, and is slated to begin after the 30-day trial period has expired.

    We are sorry for your having received Beta, and then, VHS-C tapes, but this is an upgrade
    from the Super-8 that these CUSTOM Video Series are filmed and edited in.
    Since the reversion back to China, DVDs are only used for high-speed duplication of pre-
    formatted commercial material. Because FLYCA is a non-profit, culturally based group they
    can not afford to use modern film making equipment, or duplication machines.

    After careful scrutiny, we have found nothing wrong with the sound, nor editing of your
    CUSTOM Video Series. We have been assured that the techniques presented
    are absolute, and always work when properly executed in the situation they were created
    for, thus it is up tp the user to know when and where to use a particular technique.

    As for the perceived non-sequential order of techniques, this was purposefully done to
    ensure you learn that the sequence does not override individual movement, or technique.

    You mention oogling and fondling in your letter. Those items are there, persuant to your
    expressed request, as is the s&m section, and those techniques you claim did not work in
    your sparring? Well, you requested Manga, and the sensei thought you meant (Krav) Maga!

    We apologize for their lack of a qualified translator, , voice-over talent, or foley operator.

    The bulges in the gi are due to trying to hide the seams, and the gi, while a little 'sticky'
    when wet, is very light, easy to dry, and made of almost indestructible tyvek! No returns.

    The sequence entitled “Dirty Monkey Tail Offense & Thrust Sequence 3-7” is just NOT bs.
    as I said, you need to use the right technique in the corresponding situation. Maybe on the wife? Yes, that would be the correct situation for the technique!


    THEREFORE. . .
    On your request to have your investment refunded, we really appreciate your business,
    and remind you that you had a 30-day evaluation period that has since ended. What we
    can do for you, however, is to make you another CUSTOM Video Series set to
    replace the one that you have file the complaint about. Please give us your new selection
    as to what TMA/TCMA you would like to learn, and we will get that right out to you!

    Thank You for your consideration,

    Magi Tien

    for the

    Fu Ling Yu Cultural Association
    411 Infomercial Way
    Hong Kong, China w00-h00

    .
    Last edited by Meex; 1/30/2008 7:33pm at .
  2. Ken is offline

    Registered Member

    Join Date
    Dec 2004
    Location
    New York
    Posts
    194

    Posted On:
    1/31/2008 12:43am


     Style: I/L, Sayoc, Atienza FMA

    --
    Hell yeah! Hell no!
    This has to be the best... thread.... ever.... :)
  3. Red Elvis is offline
    Red Elvis's Avatar

    Da Komrads... Again you are MadPelvisOwn3d!

    Join Date
    Sep 2004
    Location
    Soviet State Of Kalifornia
    Posts
    2,201

    Posted On:
    1/31/2008 1:02pm

    supporting member
     Style: Spetsnaz Shovel-Fu

    --
    Hell yeah! Hell no!
    Magi Pun Tang
    Fu Ling Yu Cultural Association
    411 Infomercial Way
    Hong Kong, China w00-h00



    Dear Ms. Tang

    I am appalled that my request for improved hand strength techniques was misconstrued and taken to be a request for groping. In my original letter I said and I quote, “…please be sure to add grip strength techniques to my video as my lady friends can appreciate a strong manlike grip”. Also, I need to improve the grip strength in my left hand as it is not as strong as my right. I didn’t intend that to mean the addition of groping as I will always be sure my lady friends approve of such actions prior to engaging in them. Also, I didn’t ask for S&M mental resistance however I DID ask for S&C techniques. i.e. Strength and Conditioning. Perhaps your staff would best be served with improved skills in English Ms. Tung!

    As for the bulge in the gi pants during some of the techniques I beg to differ in regards to it being a pant seem. After re-watching the rape prevention scene in which the female uke is sans undergarments MANY times and even in super super slow motion I can assure you that is not a seem as the bulge grows larger as the techniques progress. I also noticed that in every scene the uke is without undergarments that I missed the first go around. This is due to my high definition television in which I am able to zoom in 20x. What I saw although very intriguing has made my wife very angry.

    Speaking of my wife… I tried the Dirty Monkey Tail offense on her last night and she was taken by surprise by its effectiveness. I hereby formally re-tract that portion of my prior negative comments as that is indeed the correct technique for the situation in which it was applied. I would also like to add that the Manatee Mount although a very slow technique was quite effective in the Jacuzzi. Perhaps the video should come with a warning in the future in regard to trying that particular technique in the public pool.

    Regarding the gi I am very upset Mrs. Peng that it is an utter complete piece of junk. When trying to sneak back into my dojang last night using the video “Sneaky Ninjer of Silence” technique not only was I caught and ruthlessly beaten by my former training partners but it ripped to shreds leaving me broken, humiliated and almost nude. Taking the bus home in that condition after loosing my car in last weeks poker game with the local meat packer’s union rep was very humiliating!

    In closing, I would still like a refund of all moneys spent including the free abdominator which after S&H wasn’t really free at all but over $70. I could have bought it off late night television for only $19.99 including S&H and that even comes with a signed autograph from that chick on Three’s Company. Thanks for your prompt return of my money!

    Regards,

    Red Elvis
    Gulag Camp 14,
    Northern Siberia
    .
    :icon_twis
    .

    To fight and conquer in all your battles is not supreme excellence;
    Supreme excellence consists in breaking the enemy's resistance without spilling your Guinness.
    Sun "Fu Man JhooJits" Tzu, the Art of War & Guinness
  4. Red Elvis is offline
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    Da Komrads... Again you are MadPelvisOwn3d!

    Join Date
    Sep 2004
    Location
    Soviet State Of Kalifornia
    Posts
    2,201

    Posted On:
    1/31/2008 1:06pm

    supporting member
     Style: Spetsnaz Shovel-Fu

    --
    Hell yeah! Hell no!
    Magi Tien
    Fu Ling Yu Cultural Association
    411 Infomercial Way
    Hong Kong, China w00-h00



    Dear Ms. Tang

    Forgot to mention. When I say “lady friends” in the above letter I am of course speaking of my wife in plural form. Thank You for allowing this clarification.


    Regards,

    Red Elvis
    Gulag Camp 14,
    Northern Siberia
    .
    :icon_twis
    .

    To fight and conquer in all your battles is not supreme excellence;
    Supreme excellence consists in breaking the enemy's resistance without spilling your Guinness.
    Sun "Fu Man JhooJits" Tzu, the Art of War & Guinness
  5. Ke?poFist is offline
    Ke?poFist's Avatar

    Enforcer of Northeast Anti-Silliness Department Inc.

    Join Date
    Jan 2006
    Location
    Long Island, NY
    Posts
    6,886

    Posted On:
    1/31/2008 1:13pm

    supporting member
     Style: Kaju, BJJ, Judo, Kempo

    --
    Hell yeah! Hell no!
    shut the hell up!
    Knowing is not enough, you must apply...
    ...Willing is not enough you must do
    ~Bruce Lee

  6. Red Elvis is offline
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    Da Komrads... Again you are MadPelvisOwn3d!

    Join Date
    Sep 2004
    Location
    Soviet State Of Kalifornia
    Posts
    2,201

    Posted On:
    1/31/2008 1:39pm

    supporting member
     Style: Spetsnaz Shovel-Fu

    --
    Hell yeah! Hell no!
    Quote Originally Posted by KempoFist
    shut the hell up!
    Sir, please don't upset me. With my new skills learned from Ms. Pun Tang and her association I am becoming a very formidable force. Don't make me show you the Dirty Monkey Tail!

    PS...

    I am already progressing to black belt level and will soon be able to open a store by the local Quikie Mart. Ms. Plumg has assured me that my skills are very real and very deadly. A shipment of volcanic rock and lava is on the way for training that I can't mention in public as the MMA and BJJ crowds might catch on!

    Sifu Red Elvis
    AKA in China "Mad Pelvis"
    Last edited by Red Elvis; 1/31/2008 2:40pm at .
    .
    :icon_twis
    .

    To fight and conquer in all your battles is not supreme excellence;
    Supreme excellence consists in breaking the enemy's resistance without spilling your Guinness.
    Sun "Fu Man JhooJits" Tzu, the Art of War & Guinness
  7. Meex is offline
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    Loving Father

    Join Date
    Mar 2004
    Location
    Upstate
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    3,000

    Posted On:
    1/31/2008 4:40pm

    supporting member
     Style: Tao Ga

    --
    Hell yeah! Hell no!
    January 31, 2008



    Red Elvis
    Gulag Camp 14,
    Northern Siberia


    Dear Sifu Red Elvis,

    As per your own words above, we believe you have purposefully deceived us.
    Therefore, your account has become due and payable, immediately. Because
    of this, we have exercised our right, detailed in clause VII, article IV which did
    allow us to collect the full price for the CUSTOM Video Series you have already
    received. Your invoice is in the mail, along with your replacement uniform. As a
    graduate of our program, and because you have already declared your title to
    be "sifu" we have taken the liberty of replacing your double-weave tyvek gi
    with our top of the line, ultra suede, micro-fibre, frog-buttoned gung fu uniform.
    Please use it well.

    As your payment has already cleared, your black sash will be included in the new
    shipment. Before you ask, or complain, please check your original FLYCA catalog:
    Purple with lime green buttons are the sifu rank's colors. . .enjoy!

    Ms Pootie Tang

    for the
    Fu Ling Yu Cultural Association
    411 Infomercial Way
    Hong Kong, China w00-h00
  8. Ke?poFist is offline
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    Enforcer of Northeast Anti-Silliness Department Inc.

    Join Date
    Jan 2006
    Location
    Long Island, NY
    Posts
    6,886

    Posted On:
    1/31/2008 7:08pm

    supporting member
     Style: Kaju, BJJ, Judo, Kempo

    --
    Hell yeah! Hell no!
    I want to kill both of you
    Knowing is not enough, you must apply...
    ...Willing is not enough you must do
    ~Bruce Lee

  9. Teh El Macho is offline
    Teh El Macho's Avatar

    Senior Member

    Join Date
    Oct 2005
    Location
    Porcupine/Hollywood, FL & Parmistan via Elbonia
    Posts
    11,762

    Posted On:
    1/31/2008 8:06pm

    supporting member
     Style: creonte on hiatus

    --
    Hell yeah! Hell no!
    what the **** is going on?????
    Read this for flexibility and injury prevention, this, this and this for supplementation, this on grip conditioning, and this on staph. New: On strenght standards, relationships and structural balance. Shoulder problems? Read this.

    My crapuous vlog and my blog of training, stuff and crap. NEW: Me, Mrs. Macho and our newborn baby.

    New To Weight Training? Get the StrongLifts 5x5 program and Rippetoe's "Starting Strength, 2nd Ed". Wanna build muscle/gain weight? Check this article. My review on Tactical Nutrition here.

    t-nation - Dissecting the deadlift. Anatomy and Muscle Balancing Videos.

    The street argument is retarded. BJJ is so much overkill for the street that its ridiculous. Unless you're the idiot that picks a fight with the high school wrestling team, barring knife or gun play, the opponent shouldn't make it past double leg + ground and pound - Osiris
  10. Red Elvis is offline
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    Da Komrads... Again you are MadPelvisOwn3d!

    Join Date
    Sep 2004
    Location
    Soviet State Of Kalifornia
    Posts
    2,201

    Posted On:
    1/31/2008 10:17pm

    supporting member
     Style: Spetsnaz Shovel-Fu

    --
    Hell yeah! Hell no!
    Fu Ling Yu Cultural Association
    411 Infomercial Way
    Hong Kong, China w00-h00


    Ms. Pun Tang Taint,

    I am proud to be a new sifu in your organization! The fact that I have learned to fight in less than three weeks coupled with the fact I learned to maim and kill via the VHS player I bought at the local garage sale leaves me no choice but to spread the word and the truth that is Fuk Yu Mo Pho martial arts as it is known in smaller circles. (wink wink nudge nudge). I take no issue with the full payment and just as you described in the motivational 8-track series I am giving 20% of my pay checks pre tax to your cause as a worthwhile tax deduction.

    IN regards to the new gi although I find the frog buttons and the suede gi very comfortable and some what extravagant I have transcended the necessity for clothes both in my personal and fighting life. This realization came several days after my near nude bus ride home as mentioned in previous letters. It has taken several days for the techniques and principles of your CUSTOM Video Series to sink in but the full realization has hit me like a ton of bricks or a Manatee to coin a term from the series. I have realized that the reason the techniques were not working was in fact that my opponents were not cooperating and attacking me in such a way as to utilize my skills. I realize now that REAL attackers are very different then these MMA types who only have set methods of combat. At first I believed the techniques to be incompetent but armed with the knowledge that I can use these skills against real attackers has given me the confidence to walk tall as a warrior. Albeit a nude warrior but a warrior none the less.

    I look forward to receiving my black sash and to joining the underground movement to breathe life back into the traditional martial arts by removing actual sparring and competition from martial arts. Please send me the video series on how to prove MMA and BJJ to be the ineffective arts they really are and the gold inlaid nunchucks with the Chook Nurris™ grip. I’d also like to purchase the Peruvian Jie Jujootso™ series and the Cat Sisters Reality Pit Fighting™ videos you have been touting.

    Yours truly,
    Mad Pelvis
    Gulag Camp 14,
    Northern Siberia


    PS
    My lady friends have commented how much improved my grip is in my left hand and in future correspondence I’d like to tell you about the dude who I put to sleep with one touch lest night at the local nail salon after his wife took exception to my Gar Hung Groping Technique™.
    .
    :icon_twis
    .

    To fight and conquer in all your battles is not supreme excellence;
    Supreme excellence consists in breaking the enemy's resistance without spilling your Guinness.
    Sun "Fu Man JhooJits" Tzu, the Art of War & Guinness
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