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  1. #411

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    Aug 2006
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    68
    --
    Hell yeah! Hell no!
    Quote Originally Posted by MrBadGuy
    I'll start writing it after I finish my cheerios. For those of you interested in my escapades, it appears I can't escape bullshit in sex either.

    We go to her house. I use the old fashioned, "I need to use the bathroom" excuse to get inside. She makes some coffee, which quickly escalates into me making her into a woman. As things start to get into motion, I curse the gods as the phone rings. Naked, she sprints across the room.

    The person on the phone is her exboyfriend, calling her from jail. He apparently professes his love for her, that he never should have broken up with her, blah blah blah. I am not liking the direction this is heading as she walks back over with a towel on.

    "I think you should go."

    ****. Before I get dressed I say, "You should at least finish what you started over here." This offends her for some undiscernable reason, and I'm forced to leave as I'm dressing. I lament the fact I wasted thirty bucks doing stupid bullshit.

    A lifetime of bullshit indeed.
    I am convinced this early sidetrack was an allegory for the course of this thread.

  2. #412
    nightowl's Avatar
    Join Date
    Dec 2007
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    Far East
    Posts
    1,211
    --
    Hell yeah! Hell no!
    If I claimed that I was holding MrBadGuy for ransom and wouldn't let him the thread until I saw some money, would anyone give me their bank account and PIN #? Just, you know, as a hypothetical.

  3. #413
    Cy Q. Faunce's Avatar
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    Nov 2007
    Location
    Minneapolis, MN
    Posts
    3,577
    --
    Hell yeah! Hell no!
    Quote Originally Posted by nightowl
    If I claimed that I was holding MrBadGuy for ransom and wouldn't let him the thread until I saw some money, would anyone give me their bank account and PIN #? Just, you know, as a hypothetical.
    Not without a proof of life.

  4. #414
    Roidie McDouchebag's Avatar
    Join Date
    May 2002
    Location
    Kamloops, BC
    Posts
    9,417
    --
    Hell yeah! Hell no!
    I've seen him on AIM, I'll tell him you guys are fiending.

  5. #415
    nightowl's Avatar
    Join Date
    Dec 2007
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    Far East
    Posts
    1,211
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    Hell yeah! Hell no!
    Quote Originally Posted by chardin
    Not without a proof of life.
    Um, his mother's maiden name is 'Martha' and he says his favorite color is blue.

  6. #416

    Join Date
    Sep 2006
    Location
    Wisconsin
    Posts
    75
    --
    Hell yeah! Hell no!
    Quote Originally Posted by nightowl
    Um, his mother's maiden name is 'Martha' and he says his favorite color is blue.
    Her last name used to be Martha?

  7. #417
    WARNING: BJJ may cause airway obstruction. Join us... or die
    EternalRage's Avatar
    Join Date
    Aug 2003
    Location
    Long Island
    Posts
    3,360
    --
    Hell yeah! Hell no!
    Ugh everytime this gets refreshed with no new story, I die a little more inside.

  8. #418
    MrBadGuy's Avatar
    Join Date
    Oct 2007
    Location
    Seven Seas of Rhye
    Posts
    2,899
    --
    Hell yeah! Hell no!
    Self Taught Part Four: Black Tiger Claw

    After my hung gar escapades, I decided to follow up on my interest in Black tiger claw. This is by far the shortest of my self taught excursions; only lasting 6 days.

    Day 1

    I do some initial research (i.e., go to Martialartsmart.com), and browse around. I see the perfect DVD; cheap, on clearance no doubt (I would've paid full price, suckers!). I mow the lawn and get 25 dollars, which I turn into a credit card gift card, which I use to buy the DVD. I spent twenty bucks (free shipping, to boot), and couldn't have been happier.

    Except I had to wait.

    Day 2

    The wait is agonizing. I sit, wasting away until the mail woman comes. No DVD. I writhe around youtube, looking for tiger claw videos to satiate my hunger. Nothing worthy is found. I continue bathing in sorrow.

    Day 3

    I continue waiting, feeling numb to the world. Tunnel vision takes the world from me, with the only object I can clearly make out being the mail box. No DVD. No vitality.

    Day 4

    Sunday. Cruel.

    Day 5

    Finally, let the heralds ring! Let a million cherubs spring forth from the skies and shower me with rose petals while I dance naked in a fountain of glory! Finally, my DVD has arrived!

    I quickly rip off the plastic, and shove it into my DVD player.

    I'm met by a muscley austrian fellow. He's wearing a black tank top, with a giant tiger face printed on it. I figure yes, it's corny, but it's the real deal. Tiger style, baby.

    He shows the form.

    It is the single most disappointing moment in my life.

    He jumps from one homoerotic posture to another, with the most exaggerated ineffective arm movements I've ever seen. Even my free online Hung Gar resources were better than this, and I paid twenty damn dollars for this pansy to jump around!

    The moves consist of either tiger palm to the face/throat, or a palm to the groin. Every palm to the groin he slows it down, and hovers gently above the crotch. He stands there for a good few seconds, saying how it would hurt the opponent. My mom walks in.

    "What the hell is this crap?"

    "It was supposed to be a cool kung fu movie."

    "Well, this kung fu is gay. Go clean up your room."


    I turn it off, and clean my room. The entire time I brood about the wasted money.

    Day 6

    I've barely practiced the DVD at all. I take his basic concepts and half assedly apply them against dad. As I expected, they failed. Miserably. I feel burned. I feel dirty. My spirit is broken. On top of that, I'm out of leads. What am I going to study now? Will I ever achieve greatness, or just stagnate in this Black Tiger filth?

    The answer comes to me in the way of Jackie Chan in Drunken Master, and Legend of Drunken Master.

    Next time, Self Taught Part Five: Drunken Boxing

  9. #419
    SFGOON's Avatar
    Join Date
    Nov 2005
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    Seattle, WA
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    2,208
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    Hell yeah! Hell no!
    Thank fucking God.
    Quote Originally Posted by Cullion
    You sound like a foaming-at-the-mouth-loon out of Dr. Strangelove.
    Sometimes, we put Ricin in the Cocaine. :ninja7:

  10. #420

    Join Date
    Mar 2008
    Location
    Cincy, Ohio
    Posts
    938
    --
    Hell yeah! Hell no!
    u make me so happy

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