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    Hell yeah! Hell no!

    Secret Kata: The Xmas Edition

    Welcome, students. I see that you select few have decided to take part in the school’s Black Belt Club exclusive private lessons. This is good, for I see the seeds of greatness in all of you, and one day, they will bloom into deadly martial artists, assuming you continue to invest in my quality instruction.<?xml:namespace prefix = o ns = "urn:schemas-microsoft-com:office:office" /><o:p></o:p>
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    For today’s lesson, I have a special surprise for you, something I have not shared with anyone before today... learn well, my children.<o:p></o:p>
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    Take a good look at the North Pole, grasshoppers. There are many mystical creatures, all working in unison to achieve a most noble goal. The elves are of special note, having been used by Santa for many years. I want you to ask yourselves a question, thought… “Is it even possible for Santa to employ ALL the elves?”<o:p></o:p>
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    No, my students, it is not. It is a little known fact that nearly 1/3 of all elves live in the wilderness, much like their feral ancestors. Almost daily, these cultureless beasts assail Santa’s fortress, constantly threatening the delicate balance of seasonal generosity. Thankfully, the world can rest easily knowing that there is an elite group of warriors that’s sole purpose is to defend Santa and his workshop…<o:p></o:p>
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    THE NORTH POLE-LIN MONKS!!!<o:p></o:p>
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    Yes, faithful students, the most feared and respected martial art of the North Pole is indeed Pole-lin Kung Fu! History lessons can wait for another time, for today I shall impart unto you the ancient wisdom and fighting skill of their hidden kata!<o:p></o:p>
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    Take a close look, and listen closely to my words!<o:p></o:p>
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    老鹰拉扯帽子 (Eagle Pulls Hat)
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    All Pole-lin Monks are trained to unhat an opponent at a moment’s notice. North Pole elves have a rather peculiar defense mechanism that still persists to this day: if you pull on their hat, it will detach, and this will cause the elf to panic and immediately flee. Much like a gecko, he will grow his hat back in a matter of days.<o:p></o:p>
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    蛇破坏胡子修饰 (Snake Ruins Beard Grooming)
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    Wild Elves, although without much of a culture in most senses, do have one rather unusual habit that helps determine dominance. They will care for their beards to no end, hoping to have the most well-groomed beard of all, which helps attract the opposite sex. To cause a wild elf to turn tail and run, a Pole-lin monk need only ruin his opponents’ groomed beard. Most wild elves, thoroughly obsessed with their beards, will be overcome with embarrassment and flee back into the wilderness.<o:p></o:p>
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    老鹰古怪曲折前进 (Eagle Weirds-Out Snake)
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    Many times, a group of Pole-lin monks will be outnumbered, leaving each fighter to deal with more than one wild elf. When this happens, uncontested elves will normally attack from behind, and thereafter utilize on of their favorite attacks: the double-nipple-pinch. Already a deadly move on its own, the unforgiving cold can make this move downright fatal, with some reports telling of nipples being ripped completely off. The simple counter to this move, however, is to simply grasp your opponent’s testicles gently. Although not above using the nipple-pinch, wild elves are extremely homophobic, and will immediately recoil in fear and disgust.<o:p></o:p>
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    熊做关于老虎的母亲的切口评论 (Bear Makes Cutting Remark about Tiger’s Mother)
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    Often used as a finishing move, this is also one of the most forbidden moves for untrained elves outside of the Pole-lin Monastery. Wild elves are extremely tenacious, and can attack again and again, even after having been violently repelled several times. The most effective way of sending your foe off is to emasculate him in front of his peers. After having been knocked to the ground, you have only seconds to act until he rises up and attacks once more. While he is down, you must launch a powerful insult, one that is sure to make him feel embarrassed and ashamed of his ineptitude. Attacks can be as simple as, “What now, bi-atch?” or as intricate as, “I’ll be sure to let your mother know what a failure you are, seeing as I’ll be having relations with her later tonight!” Appropriately stinging remarks will send him fleeing into the woods, ending the conflict!<o:p></o:p>
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    <o:p>-</o:p>
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    Unfortunately, my faithful students, we have run out of time for this private lesson… of course, there’s always next time, assuming you all paid your Black Belt Club dues, yes? Good, good… glad to hear it.<o:p></o:p>
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    Who knows what I’ll teach you next time? Not you, that’s for sure.<o:p></o:p>
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    Class dismissed.<o:p></o:p>

  2. Total Comments 8

    Comments

  3. #2
    AK: Giving new meaning to the word "Unfair."
    Airman Kai's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jun 2006
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    Hell yeah! Hell no!
    Phew, glad it made it through approval... I was worried the kids wouldn't have it in time for Xmas.




  4. #3
    Phrost's Avatar
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    Hell yeah! Hell no!
    And now with front page link goodness!

  5. #4

    Join Date
    Jun 2005
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    Hell yeah! Hell no!
    That was pretty funny!

  6. #5

    Join Date
    Aug 2006
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    Greece,Athens
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    Hell yeah! Hell no!
    Holy ****,the figures of the images are almost the same my former instructor put on our Hapkido diplomas:disgust: (minus the santa hat of course)!!

    Thanks a lot man for reminding me, the terrible-terrible memories will come back to haunt me this Christmas...and the guilt...the insufferable guilt...

  7. #6

    Join Date
    Sep 2007
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    Parsippany, NJ
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    Hell yeah! Hell no!
    I see it now, lets look at the elf in the movie BAD SANTA. Although unorthodox in terms of his striking style--punches to the groin--he was also rather skilled in his insults.

  8. #7

    Join Date
    Oct 2007
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    new jersey
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    Hell yeah! Hell no!
    For the next lesson can you tell me how the pole-in monks deal with an organized attack? We all know of the bands of elves who live in trees and make cookies, what happens when ninjelves attempt to assasinate Santa?

  9. #8
    AK: Giving new meaning to the word "Unfair."
    Airman Kai's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jun 2006
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    Scott AFB, IL
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    Hell yeah! Hell no!
    I had thought of doing Secret Kata as a series, but interest seems tepid at best. Oh well, not every article can be a ninja diary.




  10. #9

    Join Date
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    Hell yeah! Hell no!
    what a load of sh*t.

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