Thread: Unintentional N00b Comedy
11/27/2007 4:45pm, #11
I'm still a spastic noob... so here's some of my golden moments...
* Dangled off the arm of a purple belt for over a minute with a Duda locked in. Gassed out, fell off, got tapped. He was looking at me like I'd lost my mind the entire time. Didn't even hurt him.
* Wound up in a fucking Boston Crab rolling with the same purple belt. I yelled out for the instructor "TomwhatdoIdo?TomwhatdoIdo??!?" He looked over at us and goes.. "What the hell is that? A Boston Crab?"
* Got put into the shark tank with a professional mma fighter who had 40 pounds on me. Started with me mounting him. 5 seconds later I ended up on my back, north south, with my legs wrapped around his head until the instructor yanked me out and put in somebody with talent.
* Instructor had hurt his feet, so he was doing drills with me to take it easy. Simple stuff, half-guard passes. He was on his back. I promptly kneeled on his feet every few seconds for 3 minutes trying to pass his guard, mumbling apologies the entire time. I still feel bad about it.
* I taped over the last minute of a training partner's fight (team had 3 fights that night, and his was first). It was his first MMA fight. He won by knockout... and I accidently deleted it. I'm still anticipating the ass kicking.
* Got trapped in a crucifix up against a wall at a wierd angle. Had no traction, no escape, pretty screwed, but I was squrming out. Partner grabs my head and twists... followed by a horrendous sound of 7 or 8 very rapid pops. Everybody near us heard it and looked at me with that "HOLY ****!" look. I wiggled my head, went "I'm cool!" (my default response in bad positions) and immediately tried to squirm away again. He grabbed my head again and twisted. I tapped really fast.
* For my first 2 months, if I got you in half-guard, you weren't leaving it. You weren't getting swept either... or attacked.. but you weren't passing that half-guard. Sad part is, I didn't even realise I was stalling out. I thought I was doing okay.
* Sparring with a judo bb/bjj purple belt last week. Keep in mind, my stand up is somewhere between bad and terrible.... we were trading some combos, and I went.. ah what the hell I'll try it, faked the kick, and fired off the one and only superman punch I've ever thrown. He looked at me, laughed, yelled "SUPERBOY PUNCH!". Then he grabbed me and I was flying again. My ribs still hurt.
11/27/2007 6:32pm, #12
- Join Date
- Aug 2007
I was rolling with a BJJ blue belt, I was a judo yellow. It was open mat night at our judo club and a lot of guys from a local BJJ school would come roll with us. It was late in the night, and me and this fellow were the only ones on the mat (I later realized). The guy was talented and very flexible but light. He usually ended up submitting me when we rolled. This particular evening I was doing my best to just get the **** up whenever we went to the ground, since we were more evenly matched there and I was tired. He was trying very hard to keep me from doing so. I managed to shrimp out of something and start standing up, and as he came lunging at me I grabbed both lapels and lifted and pushed and tossed him into the air and onto his ass. It was brilliant. Everyone laughed, but he was a very good sport. He probably proceeded to submit me, I can't remember.
11/27/2007 7:03pm, #13
- Join Date
- Mar 2006
When I was new, I tried to flying knee my sparring partner. He stepped to the side, caught me in midair and kneed me in the kidneys.
11/27/2007 7:04pm, #14
- Join Date
- Mar 2006
I blame Ong Bak.
11/27/2007 7:23pm, #15For my first 2 months, if I got you in half-guard, you weren't leaving it. You weren't getting swept either... or attacked.. but you weren't passing that half-guard. Sad part is, I didn't even realise I was stalling out. I thought I was doing okay.Dedicated to legs and the disrespecting thereof.
11/27/2007 7:52pm, #16
This thread has become oddly relevant to a post named something like shiny point bum.
11/27/2007 10:07pm, #17
- Join Date
- Sep 2006
There was a white belt at my Judo club, he must have been 13-14. He was a fairly big kid and kept boasting to all the adults that he never taps, mostly because when the adults rolled with him, they would let go when they realized they had a sub in and he was being stubborn. We'd chide him for it but he didn't listen.
One day he rolled with a female purple belt in her mid teens. She got him in a gi choke and he wouldn't tap. I didn't see them rolling, I just saw her jump up in schock because he was bleeding profusely from his nose. Honestly it looked like someone turned on the sink.
A green belt and I mopped up all the blood and used an alcohol based cleaner to sanitize the area but because of the heavy alcohol smeel no one could use that part of the mat. The kid started tapping from then on but hasn't been around lately.
11/27/2007 10:23pm, #18
I hate noobs who try to give you advice and tips. I rolled with this dude who went from my guard into being under my sidemount, all the while clutching my head as if trying to pull off a guillotine. Time runs out, and the next student comes in to roll with me. I get sidemout and try to get a sidechoke going. The dude I just rolled with then has been coaching for the entire round "yeaah, now get your knee on the belly, get your knee on the belly". Shut the **** up!
Next case, we're working some stand up, We're cycling through partners. This raw noob (rawer than me, if that's possible) starts telling me my punching "has no technique". Even if it were true (and it might have been), it's not his place to tell me, especially since it was his second class. I proceeded to punch and head kick the living crap out of him.
11/27/2007 10:57pm, #19
I won high noob praise in my first class. I got thrown in to "roll" with a 205-er mma amateur up-and-comer. He basically fell into guard and let me work while he defended. He kept telling me I was "rolling smart" and "using my head." He thought I was being controlled and cerebral, since I wasn't spazzing out and trying to smash him.
In reality, I had no idea what to do, and I was scared to death. All I knew about BJJ was all the fancy moves I saw on TV, plus the important fact that you get your ass kicked for the first six months no matter what you do, but it's ten times worse if you try to show off. Luckily, my cowardice was interpreted as caution and cunning.
11/28/2007 3:03pm, #20
Both of these happened just last night:
My wife is rolling with a noob and she goes, "Ok you got it. and tapped" The noob had just got the americana. They'd been drilling it all day, and she's a noob too who doesn't even ever go for subs. She repeated, "Ok, you've got it..." "Ok you've got it..." and tapped and he didn't let go till she went "JESUS FUCKING CHRIST, STOP!" This was actually the same guy I wrote about int he last post.
Also we got a noob who will NOT quit giving advice or coaching the others in his class. He claims he has 4 years experience but he rolls like an 5th grader with downs. I have the guy mounted. I'm just trying to let him work on his positions and escapes and he starts coaching ME. Then when I said, "Don't worry about me, I've got mount. Try to use your escapes."
This apparently isn't good advice and insted of working his escapes he sits there and glances around the gym and starts coaching someone else (While he's mounted).
Last night he was talking while our instructor was showing a technique, our instructor looked at him and said, "Hey Joe? Shut up!."