Unintentional N00b Comedy

**Jack Rusher** · Posted On: 11/27/2007 10:43am

Most of you have probably already had this experience, but it was a new one for me. Please edify me with your frustrating n00b stories.

---

There was a new guy at class last night. 25 years old, no previous MA experience, couldn't finish the warmup because he was going to puke, &c. We get to the Move of the Day (a nice little pin in 'surfboard'). New guy gets attached to my drilling partner (a mid-level blue) and myself. Dude de-rails the drill and asks us to "work on this spider guard move he just learned, something to use in the streets." WTF?

We indulge him for a minute to see what the hell he has in mind. Guy has never sparred, but thinks he's going to immobilize an attacker with spider guard, then triangle him. Puts me in his guard, grabs my right sleeve, puts his foot against my left biceps, then says, "okay, try to punch me with your left hand." Smack! "Hm, let me try that again." Smack! The blue belt is trying not to laugh. "Okay, I'll just do the triangle." He moves to a something like closed guard and says, "how's that?" Smack!

I boil over a little bit. "You try to pull this **** without at least a year's experience, you're going to get your head broken on the concrete. Just try to learn what's being taught." He turns to Blue, "what do you think?" Blue: "exactly what he said."

Dude reluctantly agrees to do the lesson plan. Blue demonstrates the pin on me, I do the pin on the new guy but can't finish the move because he taps to the pressure as soon as I go to surfboard. ARGH!

**jkdbuck76** · Posted On: 11/27/2007 10:54am

Gotta' love that noob guy, jack.

Just think, the best chance for that guy to be better ran down
his momma's leg.

**conorjs13** · Posted On: 11/27/2007 11:01am

I was a good nub in BJJ. I didn't try any rubber-guard **** in spite of the fact that it looked cool. I drilled some of the basics on my own time with my brother and my friends, and kept my mouth shut unless I had a legitimate question.

**E-Van** · Posted On: 11/27/2007 11:06am

This **** happens all the time. I was in class assisting the lower belts last week when we get this new guy. We are working a wrist lock and he isnt applying it properly before moving on to the next attack. I dont give in when he applys the lock because he is doing it improperly and he gets mad that I dont 'comply' .

I show him that he is doing it improperly and let him know that at this school we dont just go through the motions. He needs to do it correctly and if I feal that its there I will comply with the lock. I show him how to put his thumbs properly on the knuckles. He does it again incorrectly and again, I dont comply and I can see he is lossing his cool. I tell him to be patient, do the move slowly and work on technique. I explain once you learn a proper wrist lock its like riding a bike, you will get it almost everytime afterword. Well apparently he gets so worked up that the next time he lands the lock perfectly and damn near breaks my wrist as he forces me to my knees.

Now I have been 'that guy' before. We have all had issues with controll at some point, but this guy just pissed me off. I need my wrist to train. So I show him how its not only important to do moves properly but he needs to have better controll. As I show him a proper wrist lock, I follow it with a tight hammerlock and have this guy kissing the mat. I tell him without controll, I could 'accidently' break his arm. He winces as I apply the pressure, but of course, he dosnt tap. I am used to this and help him up, explaining the 'tap' technique as well.

Come on guys. Is controll really that hard? Damn noobs.

**Snake Plissken** · Posted On: 11/27/2007 11:10am

we had a guy come in, only stayed less than a month, claiming 3rd Dan in TKD that didn't know how to do a rear kick.

**jkdbuck76** · Posted On: 11/27/2007 11:12am

Control..... should be self control or temper control.

**Bustardo** · Posted On: 11/27/2007 11:18am

We recently took over the program at another school. We have a few noobs there with "no-tap-itis". Yesterday I was rolling with one of them doing some sub grappling. I went to apply a choke and my instructor said, "With him I just want you to get in bad positions and escapes." So I release the choke to begin doing that. The guy, who's face is BRIGHT red looks at me (with a giant booger coming out of his nose) and says, "DID I TAP?!?!" He honestly didn't know. He must have went out for a second or something.

Anyway we just switched to him trying to hold/sub me while I just worked escapes. That way I think we both got a lot more out of it.

Another new guy always tries some spaz stuff where he tries to run into some bizzaro-headlock choke. I don't think it's worked on anyone. He locked it up on me when we were supposed to be sparring starting from half guard and he just stood up and RAN and grabbed my head. I grabbed his arm and he thought he'd be clever and fall with it. Since I had the arm it put almost no pressure on my head. His "choke/headlock" did however manage to put me in side control, where he tapped after 15 seconds to the weight.

**conorjs13** · Posted On: 11/27/2007 11:20am

Similar spider guard story:

I was about six months in, so I had a certain level of proficiency (not claiming mastery) and a nubcake started trying to get me in a spider guard. I let him set it up because I appreciate it when more experienced guys let me try something technical for a moment, but it was the seriously sloppiest spider guard ever. I just grabbed his pants leg and hit him with a toreana so hard he actually spun 180 degrees and rolled onto his side... *sigh* kids.

**SFGOON** · Posted On: 11/27/2007 1:03pm

I've had my own n00b moments. I learned BJJ in the Army and wrestled in high school/junior high. I was made to roll with another raw n00b who had maybe three weeks more training than myself. After an unfortunate attempt at a sit-out and roll, I was put in a brilliant RNC and my partner got his hooks deep into my hips. I was fucked but I didn't give up. Spitting and swearing, I used my legs to propel myself in a circle three stooges style, all the while trying to pry the other guy's fingers free. It didn't work and went on for the better par of five minues, around and around. Finally, the guy let his hooks go, and I got my feet under myself and managed to stand up with him on my back. About halfway up, I put my hand on the back of his neck and tossed him with my hips (his feet were entirely off the ground at this point.)

I smashed him into the ground as hard as I could. I was exhausted. I was furious. I wanted to crack his fucking skull on the mat. As I became more aware of my surrounding, I realized that the whole class had stopped rolling and were watching the two of us, laughing their asses off.

**EternalRage** · Posted On: 11/27/2007 2:13pm

One time in my first year of training, I refused to tap to a guillotine, thinking I could get out of it. The other guy was cranking like his life depended on it, and I passed out instead of tapping out like I should have.

My tap-fu was weak, but it is strong now, I tap faster and quicker than a fucking flamenco dancer.