Diary of an undergraduate Wing Tsunner aged 18 1/2
What follows is a genuine historical document. Some names, places, events, and sequences of events have been changed to protect identities.
Monday 15 September 1997
Well today was my first day at Cambridge University! I'm so glad I got in to do Economics, it's a really interesting course! and also now I'm at university I can finally go to pubs and get a girlfriend.
My older brother Quentin told me to join lots of societies at Freshers' Fair to make friends and meet girls, so that's what I did. I joined the Chess society, the Einstein society, the Astronomy society and the Maths society - but the best of all is the Wing Tsun club!
I'm sure you've never heard of Wing Tsun, dear Diary, because you are a diary. Wing Tsun was the first martial art of Bruce Lee! That's right, I'm going to become a deadly kung-fu fighter! I am so happy today. I have to call my teacher "Shifu", which means "teacher" in Chinese.
Shifu said that Wing Tsun, or WT as they call it, is the most effective martial art there is, because it's simple and scientific, and it devastates all other styles. He also called it "the thinking man's Kung Fu" - perfect for me with my IQ! (147 at last count!) He also warned me that there are other similar styles, they call themselves things like Wing Chun or Ving Tyong (how blatant is that?) but their "grandmasters" never learnt the whole system, so they could easily be defeated by our Grandmaster if they had a fight! Our Grandmaster learnt the secret techniques from the Great Grandmaster in secret lessons, after he retired.
Another cool thing is that we don't have to do sparring. I used to hate the sparring when I did karate when I was 7. That kid Eric always used to kick me in the face! But WT's strikes are so dangerous that they are strictly for emergency situations, and cannot be used in sparring.
I had to pay for 3 years of tuition up front, which cost most of my student loan (Ł3500) but it's a great deal because it's 30% less than if you pay monthly! Annoyingly I also had to pay for a uniform, which was Ł50, and insurance which is Ł100 for the year. There's a grading every 2 weeks, and after 12 grades I'll be a technician. That means Black Sash! And the first 4 grades are only Ł30 each! So now I have a totally cool uniform with a big fist up the backside of the T shirt, and with chinese slippers just like in the movies.
Anyway diary I have to go, I'm off to the student's union for some snakebites with the other guys from my corridor! Hopefully I'll see that girl Harriet with the glasses who was at my Intro to Quantum Physics taster class.
Thursday 18 September 1997
I had my first WT lesson today. It was really, really cool. There were 3 other guys from Economics there! It really must be the thinking man's Kung Fu. The hall was really cool, there are photos of the Grandmasters and a set of big knives on the wall! We learnt the First Form, which is kind of scientific and Chinese at the same time. It's called Siu Lim Tao - which means "little idea". The forms are the 'dictionary' of WT. Once you know the words, you can start to speak (or beat up thugs as it's known, Shifu said, and everyone laughed!).
Shifu says that the Wing Chun and Ving Tsyung people don't understand the First Form. You point your toes together and squeeze your knees together, as if you were holding a book between your knees. Wing Chun people think this is for fighting on boats or in rice fields. How ridiculous! It's actually a scientific stance that works through advanced theories of power generation.
We also did chain punching. Shifu is amazing at this - he can punch 8 times a second in the air! we timed him! There's no way in the world anyone could defend that.
I'm going to the Fresher's Ball tonight, I'm definitely going to show my new Wing Tsun moves if I manage to meet any girls! Hopefully they'll think I'm edgy and dangerous. I just hope I can drink enough snakebite so I can pluck up the courage to talk to them. Maybe Harriet will be there! I'm sure to have sexual intercourse soon! Thanks Shifu!!!
Last edited by RunningDog; 10/29/2007 6:33pm at .
i'm intrigued. is there more?
There is more, I have to type it up though, it's handwritten.
There certainly is promise.
So, RD, skipping ahead to the last of your Chunnery, how did it all end?
Ahhhh... Same as all the other Chunners, then. Hehehehe...
Originally Posted by RunningDog
Not bad by any measure - I'm eager to see where it will go.
Look what you fucking did. You academic speak writing has got me using phrases like "by any measure." Thanks for fucking nothing.
Blimey. Is this an invitation to make your own jokes or what?? Poor Harriet.
Originally Posted by RunningDog
Anyway, keep going. We can then compare with Virus' thread.
Friday 19 September 1997
I feel terrible… it’s all coming back to me… The Freshers’ Ball was great for a while, but then it all went wrong. The snakebites were cheap and after about 6 pints I plucked up the courage to talk to Harriet.
I decided to demonstrate Grandmaster Kernspecht’s BlitzDefence™ techniques, so that she’d think I was cool and edgy. BlitzDefence™ techniques involve hitting thugs before they hit you. Shifu says attack is the best form of defence. So I got Harriet to put her left arm out and I told her to look scary, like a thug, then I grabbed the arm and threw an upright punch™ towards her face. I meant to stop just near to her face, but I accidentally hit her on the cheek and her glasses fell off. Then she got this funny look in her eye, and she told me to show her again. So I did – but this time she grabbed my arm when I went to throw the punch, and threw me over her shoulder! Then when she kicked me on the floor she said something really weird, that sounded like “that’s an Ip pon see yer naggy you twat”. I asked if she did WT, but she just shook her head and walked off, and a minute later the bouncers threw me out. I’m going to ask Shifu about this.
Saturday 20 September 1997
Wow! In class today I asked Shifu to show me what to do if someone tries to throw me like Harriet did. He told me to grab his wrist, and then he did all these amazing advanced deadly strikes on me! Of course none of them hurt because Shifu has so much control! All I could do was stand there. He said we could start these advanced movements after only grade 5! I’ll never get thrown by a girl again.
Saturday 27 September 1997
I got my first grade in WT today! After only 2 weeks too. It just goes to show what an efficient learning system WT really has. I got a really cool iron-on patch for my T shirt. I had to do some of the Siu Lim Tao, and then the BlitzDefence™ that I did on Harriet (Shifu says if you do BlitzDefence™ for real you can knock anyone out). Everyone passed the grade out of 30 people there, and Shifu said we were the best group he had! No doubt because it’s the Thinking Man’s Kung Fu, and this is Cambridge University after all. We’ve got Neuroscientists, Economists, Mathematicians and Linguists in the class!
Tuesday 30 September 1997
I could hardly concentrate in Introduction to Different Models of Market Analysis today, even though it’s one of my favourite classes. I was looking forward to WT class so much! Shifu had promised to show us a VHS of WT in action.
The video was great, and proof that WT is better than “wing Chun”, although it was very grainy and only lasted about 10 seconds. It was a WT master called Emin beating up a Wing Chun “grandmaster” called William Cheung. He totally beat him up! I think Emin did some chainpunching™, and then they rolled on the floor for a bit, then Emin did some more chainpunching™. Shifu says that it doesn’t look like WT moves because Emin was using WT principles, because he’s an advanced master.
I approve of this diary. Please continue.
Dr. Professor Leung Ting, Master of Almightiness.
Monday 6 October 1997
Woe is me, dear diary. Love is bittersweet. I think of Harriet all the time, especially at night, when I’m alone with Little Tim. I so want to have intercourse with her – almost as much as I want to progress to the Intermediate Grades in WT!
Anyway, I saw Harriet at the Student’s Union last night. She was talking to Torquil from my corridor. I hate Torquil. He’s in the boxing club and he’s got this and that scholarship. Tosser. So I interrupted their conversation with a loud “Ahem!” and I told Harriet I’d learnt some new moves and she’d never be able to throw me. At least I think that’s what I said, it’s a bit hazy now, I needed 5 pints of snakebite and black before I could talk to her at all. She asked if I was going to punch her in the face again, and I said no I was a 1st grade now, and I was going to get my 2nd on Saturday, so I could control the deadliness of my strikes. She laughed and told me to show me outside, and told Torquil to come. I didn’t really want that tosspot to come, but I’m not worried because Shifu says WT is much more sophisticated than boxing, and that people would die in the ring if WT practitioners did competitions.
So I told Harriet to grab my wrist and try to throw me, like Shifu showed me. As soon as she grabbed my wrist I did a bong sao, and then was about to do a chop towards her throat, but I realized she was holding onto my sleeve! She was cheating! Before I could point this out, she was right up close to me and I could smell her, oh diary what a sweet smell… then I felt one of my legs shoot forward and my head hit the grass with a thud. Twatface Torquil was laughing his head off as they walked back into the bar, and at that moment, diary, I swore revenge.