January 2007 Badass: Daniel M'Mburugu
This is the second Badass of the Month column we’ve done for January 2007. Some of you bastards didn’t care for “Bloody” Bill Anderson and were all like “waah, he’s only a badass because he killed a lot of people” and “waaah, state’s rights, despite being the true reason for the civil war, were not as important as that whole ‘human slavery thing’ I’m telling mommy”… and ****.
So we’ve rebooted the column with extreme prejudice in order to award the “Bad Mother Fucker” wallet to a man who would find Chuck Norris jokes funny, but only in a way that a grown man would find it funny that a toddler wanted to kick his ass.
Daniel “M’Badass” M’Mburugu
We’ve heard stories of fighting bears with Judo, punching sharks, and giant insects invading Los Angeles (ok maybe not that last one; let a man dream will you?) but 70+ year old Daniel M’Mburugu takes this month’s (revised) Badass award for killing a leopard with his bare hands.
People who live in rural or remote areas generally have a bit more “badass” in them than those who get to relax in the urban/suburban comfort provided by industrialized society. It’s one thing to get mugged for your Nikes or “happy slapped” by a random Chav; it’s something completely different to be attacked by an animal that wants to fucking eat you. There’s just something deep within our reptilian brains that must swell the “badassticles” in people who, in their daily lives, are not necessarily always at the top of the food chain.
So when 73-year-old Daniel M’Burungu of Kenya went to out to check on the potatoes and beans in his garden and got jumped by a leopard, the Bad Mother Fucker wallet in his back pocket (otherwise known as “God” by Mr. M’Burungu), called him to action:
“A voice, which must have come from God, whispered to me to drop the panga (machete) and thrust my hand in its wide-open mouth. I obeyed,” M’Mburugu said.
That’s right folks, simply hacking the cat into bits with a machete wasn’t good enough for Danny Boy; he jammed his fist down the creature’s throat and ripped out its tongue. Here’s a man who is a grandfather; who was born in a time before they had television. A man who’s of the age where people in our part of the world generally go to Florida to die and/or clog up the freeways going 30 in the fast lane on their way to bingo. And when attacked by a 100lb wild animal prowling his back yard with geezer on the menu, shredding his old geezery flesh with its claws, he choses to forego a weapon in order to kill the thing with his bare hands.
The next time you’re at the dojo and are tired from doing too many widdle pushups, or dont want to press out that last rep at the gym, or can’t find any more strength to upa the stinky fat guy off your chest, just remember how a potato-growing grandpa in Africa makes you look like a little bitch.
And is laughing at you, like you laughed at Chuck Norris jokes.