Thread: Ninja Stories
5/23/2007 2:16am, #1
I'm pretty sure that it's Ninjas Suck month. There's a highlight video. Anyways, for lack of an abundance of ninja content (as we had during the fruitful Aikido Sucks Month), I present to you a poorly written ninja story. Please excuse the lack of indents.
He thought he was invisible. He was lurking in the shadows, as he had always been trained to do. Steve had been practicing Ninjutsu for almost two years now, and he thought he was good enough to train in the streets for the first time. He couldn't of known how wrong he was.
His skills were not totally perfected, and he was not totally invisible. However, he was good enough so that people who glanced had him just saw, judging by their facial expression, a retarded person on a unicycle. He shifted his body to try to become less visible.
He was in full ninja gear. He had on his black gi, black ninja shoes, black ninja mask, and the black belt he had earned from his many, many years of hard training. His ninja ken was in a katana sheath so that nobody would be suspicious.
Suddenly, he felt a sharp pain up his arm. His leg was swept sideways in a motion that could only be described as a “bad judo throw.” His face was in the ground. There was someone choking him, someone much more skilled than himself.
Steve was rolled from his stomach onto his back, arms still pinned to the ground. Steve found himself facing a man in a black mask similar to his own. Pedestrians were completely unaware of his presence, for this man was truly invisible.
“You are no true ninja!” the man whispered harshly. “You do not deserve to bear the mask and belt. Keep your training to yourself, but do not show yourself to the world until you have truly mastered your art. Praise Ashida.”
And with those parting words, the mysterious ninja stole Steve's ninja ken and left. Steve could not see where he went. Steve went home, took off his outfit, and thought about the ninja's last words. Praise Ashida. Who was the Ashida? Steve vowed to find out. He started in the obvious place, and read an obviously vandalized wikipedia article. Then, he did a google search. After wading through some forums full of over-compensating BJJ nutriders, he finally landed at his source. He read about this ninja grandmaster, and ordered half a dozen books from the “Dojo Press” written by this Ashida, as well as Drunken Wolverine-Ninja-Kung Fu by Ron Collins.
Several days later, the books had arrived. Steve read them, and realized that his training had only just begun. The next six months did more for him than all his long, hard, vigorous training with the Bujinkan could have possibly done. He had become a ninja master, as he had always planned on becoming. Soon, however, his efforts turned away from mastery and towards revenge.
That mysterious ninja that had stolen Steve's sword was the target. The humiliation was unbearable, and prices on EBay had skyrocketed. He would get that sword at any cost.
He decided to find Ashida Kim and ask him personally about the whereabouts of the ninja. He traveled to Ashida's headquarters to seek out the master himself.
“Ashida?” Steve called as he walked into the dark, empty room. “Ashida-sensei, I have something to ask of you.”
“You can make an appointment if you like,” the receptionist replied. “He has an opening at four-thirty today.”
Steve made the appointment and waited. The receptionist couldn't help but think about all the fucking nutjobs she met working there. Four-thirty came quickly, and Steve walked in to Ashida's quarters.
As soon as Steve entered the room, a blade was at his neck. Holding the blade was the revered Ashida Kim.
“State your business!” Ashida commanded, pressing the sword slightly.
“I seek a ninja who patrols the suburbs of Miami!”
“The one you are looking for is called Hero Lee. I will summon him for you.”
“Tell him to bring the sword he stole from me.”
“Don't tell me what to do! You're not the boss of me!”
And Ashida disappeared, returning promptly with the ninja that Steve had searched for.
“You stole my blade from me,” Steve began, “and I am here to retrieve it.”
Without any response, the ninja began a slow-motion lunge-punch in Steve's direction. Steve had prepared many years for this situation, and soon tripped the ninja backwards. He saw his sword in the sheathe on the ninja's back. He drew the sword from the ninja's sheathe.
When he tried to stab the ninja, the ninja moved out of the way and got back up. Steve began a slow-motion chop at the ninja, who blocked it with complete expertise. After the block, Steve did not move, as he had been trained, and was thrown with his sword in hand.
The battle raged on. After some time, Steve furiously slashed his sword at the ninja, who then died. He became full of regret. He did not want to kill his brother.
Ashida had been watching.
“You have killed your ninja brethren, and must face the ultimate punishment!”
“Oh, God, what's the ultimate punishment?”
“You may never call yourself a ninja again, though you must stay true to the Dojo Press. You may never take up any other martial art, nor join any online forum besides that of the Dojo Press. Especially not Bullshido...” Ashida cried through his last sentence.
Steve became infuriated with the terms, and slow-motion lunge-stabbed Ashida. Ashida responded by mind-controlling Steve, and Steve died by his own sword in his own hand.
5/23/2007 2:28am, #2
- Join Date
- Jun 2004
- Minneapolis/St. Paul, MN
Convinced by his own Power of Suggestion, Ashida then promoted himself to "25th O-dan Ultra-Grandmaster of Shadows Kim" and wrote a new book on creative ninja suicide options featuring photos of really stupid people (his senior students) demonstrating. Upon selling the first copy, he masturbated furiously.
5/23/2007 8:18am, #3
I kinda have a true story... when I was at school, there was an older guy - Billy - and he was ninja.
Not A ninja. He was ninja. He may also have been Legion, but I can't quite recall.
Stories abounded of Billy's prowess (they mainly came from Billy) and his work as one of Night's Dark Agents.
His knowledge of Ninjitsu was encyclopedic... he'd seen all the American Ninja series and so many more. In fact, he could often be seen around the video shop, dressed in black, possibly plying his deadly trade.
His dedication to his art intrigued our 10 year old minds.
We'd ask him - "Billy, where did you learn ninjitsu?" but he couldn't tell us as he could never betray his sensei. "How many men have you killed?" That was a secret too. He was the very epitome of discretion. We were suitably impressed.
Then, it happened.
He disappeared. I don't mean in a plume of smoke, I mean he dropped off the face of the earth.
Rumours abounded... had he been killed, captured or otherwise? Had he failed his latest mission and been honour-bound to end his now-hollow life?
About six weeks later, Billy the Ninja came back. He was quieter, and his head had been shaved. His expression was pretty much vapid (he was never the most aware of people, but he seemed much worse now), and to our horror... his trademark black clothes had gone.
They'd been replaced by a checked workshirt, jeans and boots.
One of my friends dared to sidle up to him and hiss at him "Billy, are you undercover?"
"Billy, are you still a ninja?" Flicker of recognition... he turned to my friend Jon and said:
"No. I'm a farmer. I farm." and sauntered away.
We followed him, convinced it was some kind of ploy, but we were intercepted by his mum, who told us to leave him alone, as Billy had been into a "special hospital" to rest for a few weeks and was tired and wouldn't remember about being a ninja any more.
We left disillusioned.
Our ninja hero was really a mentally incapable delusional youth who was prone to psychotic episodes.
We weren't downcast for long: we had a pet retard and we'd goad him until he snapped. Farmer? Hah.. try timebomb.
So, that's where my opinion of ninjas went from Cool to Tool...
And, whoever it was on here that coined the phrase "A Retard of Ninjas" really knew their stuff.
5/23/2007 8:24am, #4
From your style section it seems like you gave up on the booj?
5/23/2007 8:27am, #5
There are only 2 types of b00j,
those who gave it up,
and those who will give it up.
( this usually occurs at about the same age as the revelation about Santa Clause.)
5/23/2007 8:57am, #6
I always thought Batman was cooler. As a kid when I would get dressed up it had to have a cape dammit.Judo is only gentle for the guy on top.
5/23/2007 9:20am, #7Originally Posted by jkartigue
5/23/2007 11:28am, #8
Aha got ya!
Batman was the first MMA fighter in comics. He used the silly ninja as training tools to become a bad mofo.
BTW true Batman fans know that the movies are so inaccurate they make you want to scream.Judo is only gentle for the guy on top.
5/23/2007 11:54am, #9
5/23/2007 11:57am, #10