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  1. Virus is offline
    Virus's Avatar

    Senior Member

    Join Date
    Aug 2005
    Location
    Australia
    Posts
    6,967

    Posted On:
    2/09/2007 8:24am

    Join us... or die
     Style: Judo

    --
    Hell yeah! Hell no!
    Bullshido tech support.

    Yeah I'm having trouble with the..

    SEARCH FUNCTION NOOB!

    <click>
  2. sochin101 is online now
    sochin101's Avatar

    Graviora Manent

    Join Date
    Jun 2006
    Location
    Lincolnshire, England
    Posts
    6,888

    Posted On:
    2/10/2007 7:20pm

    Join us... or die
     Style: No gym currently.

    --
    Hell yeah! Hell no!
    RBSD TS: Hi you're through to the reality-based self-defence helpline, how can I help you?

    USER: yeah, Hi, I'm... considering cancelling my membership to Larpsys Defence...

    RBSD TS: Sir, sir... are you using a corded phone? Because, you know, it could become wrapped around your throat and garrote you.

    USER: Whafu? No, it's a cordless... listen I...

    RBSD TS: A cordless sir? Does it have an aerial, an antenna? You could accidentally drive the aerial/antenna into your eye and then your brain, sir.

    USER: What? No, I'm not going to do that. Besides, it's a cellphone and it doesn't have a...

    RBSD TS: Cellphone? OMG!!! Radiation... Sir, you could die! Frying your brains... quick sir, get some foil to wrap around your head... but not the aluminium kind... that will give you metal cooties.

    USER: Man, seriously, I bought the lowest emitting phone, and you're on hands free so it isn't even near my head, okay? now, can I please cancel my membership?

    RBSD TS: Certainly sir, I just have to fill in some details for my call log... Name?

    USER: Chris Analfissure

    RBSD TS: and is your door locked, double locked, barricaded or other?

    USER: What? Dude, are you high right now?

    RBSD TS: No sir, here at Larpsys RBSD, we take your safety seriously... if we were to be talking to you and your home was invaded, we would be remiss in our duty.

    USER: Sure, but that's not going to happen, is it?

    RBSD TS: Sir, you realise home invasion is up 98% don't you? Robbery 92%, rape 89%, violent assault 90%, random inappropriate touching 88%, wanton production of imaginary statistics up 97.63%, dogs and cats, living together... yes, sir... it could happen...

    USER: Holy ****, you're scaring me, hang on, I'm going to check my door, I'll be back in a second to renew my membership

    RBSD TS: KERRRCHING!!! <*rubbing hands*>

    USER: What was that?

    RBSD TS: Probably someone cocking an automatic assault weapon sir... hurry back with that credit card...
    Where there is only a choice between cowardice and violence, I would advise violence.

    Gandhi

  3. theeveryman is offline

    Featherweight

    Join Date
    Dec 2006
    Posts
    10

    Posted On:
    2/12/2007 8:57pm

    Bullshido Newbie
     Style: aikido

    --
    Hell yeah! Hell no!
    Kung fu tech support: hi, I was involved in a real fight the other day, and I couldn't help noticing that none of your techniques seemed to work.

    Uh-huh...were you using the techniques on an actual person?

    Yeah....

    Well. there's your problem. See, kung fu techniques are only designed to work on padded targets...they're just not compatible with real people

    But isn't the purpose of martial arts to defend yourself from real people?

    Oh no, that's a common misconception. Kung fu is the type of martial arts that just involves punching and kicking padded targets.

    So, you're admitting that kung fu is worthless?

    SHUT UP! Our founder, Sifu John Cheng studied for 11 years under Sifu Luo Guangyu!

    Doesn't seem like he learned much...

    I said shut up! 11 years! He didn't just wake up one morning and throw something together and call it kung fu!

    That's what it looks like...

    Um...no speak English. Must go now.
    Last edited by theeveryman; 2/12/2007 10:20pm at .
  4. Emevas is offline
    Emevas's Avatar

    Dysfunctionally Strong

    Join Date
    Dec 2003
    Location
    Minot AFB, ND
    Posts
    6,788

    Posted On:
    2/12/2007 9:54pm

    supporting member
     Style: Boxing/Wrestling

    --
    Hell yeah! Hell no!
    Wrestling Tech Support: How may I help you?

    Customer: Yes, my computer is running really slow, even though I have a really fast processor.

    Wrestling Tech Support: The processor speed listed on the box isn't the actual processing
    speed. The computer is actually much slower than that, it just competes in that processing class.

    Customer: Oh...that's pretty lame. What can I do?

    WTS: Have you tried wrapping it in a garbage bag and making it run in place?
    "Emevas,
    You're a scrapper, I like that."-Ronin69
  5. Steve is offline
    Steve's Avatar

    The gift that keeps on giving

    Join Date
    May 2004
    Location
    Seattle, WA
    Posts
    4,205

    Posted On:
    2/12/2007 10:36pm

    supporting member
     Style: On hiatus

    --
    Hell yeah! Hell no!
    ring, ring, ring

    Drunken Boxing Tech: "Drunk Dodgers 'R' Us, how can I help you?"

    Caller: "Um, I forget why I called you guys..." *hic*

    DBT: "Well, let me remind you that there is a $9.99 connection fee per call. You'd best remember that next time you call. Have a nice evening." *sounds of snickers and high fives in the back ground*

    ring, ring, ring

    DBT: "Drunk Dodgers 'R' Us, how can I help you?"

    Caller: "Um, I forget why I called you guys..." *hic*

    DBT: "Well, let me remind you that there is a $9.99 connection fee per call. You'd best remember that next time you call. Have a nice evening." *sounds of snickers and high fives in the back ground*

    ring, ring, ring

    DBT: "Drunk Dodgers 'R' Us, how can I help you?"

    Caller: "Um, I forget why I called you guys..." *hic*

    DBT: "Well, let me remind you that there is a $9.99 connection fee per call. You'd best remember that next time you call. Have a nice evening." *sounds of snickers and high fives in the back ground*

    ring, ring, ring

    DBT: "Drunk Dodgers 'R' Us, how can I help you?"

    Caller: "Um, I forget why I called you guys..." *hic*

    DBT: "Well, let me remind you that there is a $9.99 connection fee per call. You'd best remember that next time you call. Have a nice evening." *sounds of snickers and high fives in the back ground*

    ring, ring, ring

    DBT: "Drunk Dodgers 'R' Us, how can I help you?"

    Caller: "Um, I forget why I called you guys..." *hic*

    DBT: "Well, let me remind you that there is a $9.99 connection fee per call. You'd best remember that next time you call. Have a nice evening." *sounds of snickers and high fives in the back ground*

    Ect, etc, etc.
  6. kobudo is offline

    Registered Member

    Join Date
    Dec 2006
    Posts
    200

    Posted On:
    2/12/2007 10:36pm


     Style: Mixed grappling & fencing

    --
    Hell yeah! Hell no!
    *ring*... TS: "Animal style kung-fu help line, this is Jim, how may I direct your call?"

    Caller: "Hi, I'm taking monkey-style kung fu lessons, and I had some questions I'd like to have answered before taking my next class tomorrow."

    TS: "Very well, sir, I'll transfer you to our monkey department. Please hold."

    (hold music, followed by beep)

    Caller: "... Hello?"

    TS: "Oooo aaa aa aaa (sniff sniff)... EEEE! EEEEEE!"

    Caller: "Jesus..." (click)
  7. Virus is offline
    Virus's Avatar

    Senior Member

    Join Date
    Aug 2005
    Location
    Australia
    Posts
    6,967

    Posted On:
    2/12/2007 10:50pm

    Join us... or die
     Style: Judo

    --
    Hell yeah! Hell no!
    Welome to kung fu tech support. This is a recorded message. To direct your call please select the number after the prompt.

    If you would like; forms information press one now, if you have questions about kung fu history press two

    <presses two>

    You have selected "kung fu history". If you would like reasons why kung fu appears to be either innefective or a substitute for medicore kickboxing, press one,

    <presses one>

    Please select from the following excuses;

    The real fighting masters were persecuted by the Communists, press one,

    The Chinese who immigrated taught a watered down version to please the lazy westerners, press two

    The Chinese government subsidises wushu at the expense of real kung fu, press three

    People don't realise that the forms hide the real techniques, which are unlocked through sparring, press four

    If you would like to talk to an operator press five.

    <presses five>

    I'm sorry, all our operators are in maoist prisons for teaching the real kung fu. If you would you like to hold and be placed in a queue untill kung fu is seen in the UFC, press one now, or hang up and try again later. Kung fu tech support values your call, which is why we don't even bother paying some sod six dollars fifty an hour to talk to you. Have a nice day.....

    <hangs up>
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