Are you fat? Can't tell? I can help.

**Dr. Sleepless** · Posted On: 1/16/2007 11:27pm

In this day and age of anorexics, emos, and hideous human manatees, it can be hard for the average person to decide what is and what isn’t fat. Traditional methods, such as the famous “can you still see your penis?” are often too subjective or gender-specific. Thus, I’m here to offer you several entirely objective means of telling whether or not you need to lose weight. For you extreme fatties, I’ve included cliff notes at the end of every section for your convenience.

1. The Home Town Buffet (or any buffet) test

At first glance, a buffet may sound like a good deal. For the price of a meal at most normal restaurants (or even less) you get to gorge on everything in sight. The caveat is this: that normal meal will fill you up anyway, and the food will be much better. Thus, buffets are solely the domain of gross fatties. I’m serious, go see for yourself.

Cliff notes: If you look like the people who eat at Home Town Buffet, you are fat.

2. The nerds camping outside of Best Buy test

The single commonality between Star Wars, PS3, and World of Warcraft is that billions of nerds around the country actually lined up to buy them. If you ever think the stereotypes of nerds being fat, ponytailed, greasy, pizza face losers is wrong, just go see one of these lines.

Cliff notes: If you look like the people who camp for Star Wars or video games, you are fat.

3. The entire nation of Italy test

I’ve never been to Italy, but I’ve seen some mobster movies and played Mario, so I’m pretty sure there’s a lot of overweight people there. Allegedly it has to do with the amazing quality of the food, but I’m not so sure, Olive Garden is pretty shitty.

Cliff notes: If you look like the nation of Italy, that’s actually pretty sweet.

The Plazma test

Plazma you’re a ******.

Cliff notes: Plazma you’re a ******, but I still love you… ninja.

The United States Senate test

A lot of our politicians are pretty fat. It’s pretty stupid actually. I went to the museum the other day and saw some sculptures of Roman politicians, they were pretty buff. Why can’t our politicians be so cool? Actually, Theodore Roosevelt was pretty hardcore. He wrestled bears and lions. In fact, teddy bears get their name from when Roosevelt eviscerated an actual bear with his eyelashes. One time, George Washington threw a penny across the river to buy wooden teeth. Not to be outdone, Theodore Roosevelt threw an elephant across the river to win the Revolutionary War and secure America’s independence from the Martians. True story.

Cliff notes: If you have old man flab, you’re fat.

I can’t think of anything else, but I think you guys have a lot to work with as it is. I hear MEGA JESUS-SAN is working on a diet, so check for that in the next few days.

**Torakaka** · Posted On: 1/16/2007 11:34pm

My diet:

brownies
cinammon rolls
taco bell
wendy's
pizza
italian sausage
brats
biscuits and gravy

weight as of today: 121.6lbs

**MEGA JESUS-SAMA** · Posted On: 1/16/2007 11:34pm

what are brats?

**Anna Kovacs** · Posted On: 1/16/2007 11:35pm

You, you little ****.

**Torakaka** · Posted On: 1/16/2007 11:36pm

Originally Posted by MEGA JESUS-SAN

what are brats?

Bratwurst, it's a kind of sausage

**MEGA JESUS-SAMA** · Posted On: 1/16/2007 11:41pm

i can't help it, they're too old to listen to.

**leere_form** · Posted On: 1/17/2007 12:02am

kid, your diet sounds pretty much like mine these days.. and i hover just under 150.

eating is such a hassle with training and studying and all, and fast food is so convenient. plus, i spend a significant amount of time in the gym rolling and ****.. i think i figured out like 11-12 hours a week?

i know i'm way under my recommended calorie intake as it is. so i can probably eat whatever and burn it off. ... except for the cholesterol in my arteries. i don't think that's so easy to get rid of.

basically i'm becoming a very unhealthy eater with very healthy exercise habits, which is probably really bad.

**HearWa** · Posted On: 1/17/2007 12:15am

Originally Posted by Sirc

2. The nerds camping outside of Best Buy test

The single commonality between Star Wars, PS3, and World of Warcraft is that billions of nerds around the country actually lined up to buy them. If you ever think the stereotypes of nerds being fat, ponytailed, greasy, pizza face losers is wrong, just go see one of these lines.

I know what you mean. I go to an electronics/software engineering college and it seems half the population of WoW goes to that school. Now, before this place I never would have believed a person could get acne through osmosis but I just went through a really bad pimple phase, and I've never had a problem like that before. :S

**Torakaka** · Posted On: 1/17/2007 12:21am

Originally Posted by Gabster the Bad Elf

Diet is a huge part of fitness. I am not saying weight, I am saying fitness. You are what you eat I think is pretty much right on. So that makes me pretty damn bland tasting.

To be honest, while I do eat all that junk here and there, mainly I tend to eat granola, oatmeal, yogurt, some kind of noodles for dinner (sometimes pasta, sometimes rice noodles or lomein with fish or chicken) and drink 100% fruit juice mixed with water (generally about 50/50). I am by no means a health nut, but I'm not a complete junk food slob.

**Anna Kovacs** · Posted On: 1/17/2007 12:24am

I'm a complete junk food slob and just saying **** it and eating what I want helped me lose over 10 pounds in the past couple months.

Ashly and I eat a lot of naughty food but I think one of the key things is that we're both not big eaters. We go to taco bell and get one thing and leave feeling completely full.

We go to wendys, she gets a junior burger, i get a 5 peice nugget and we split a small fry and we both leave feeling stuffed.

It's great because we get to eat out a lot but dont actually spend to much on food. Where most couples leave with a 20 dollar check we walk out the door for under 10 bucks a lot of the time.