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  1. Axelton is offline

    Join Date
    Oct 2006
    Location
    Tucson, AZ
    Posts
    1,824

    Posted On:
    1/11/2007 2:17pm


     Style: Wing Chun, Hung Gar

    --
    Hell yeah! Hell no!
    Quote Originally Posted by hoodedmonk
    OK guys! I'm gonna tell you a story about the time..... and I went four wheelin out in the woods. But you guys got to promise to keep it a secret! Anyway here we go! One day .... and I were driving around out in the woods, and I noticed a sheep with Its head caught in a fence. Anyway I asked ....if he could keep a secret? and he said of course! I am a ninjer and I am sworn to secretacy! So (to make a long story short!) I went ahead and got me some! (if you know what I mean?) Anyway after I was done, I got back in the truck and started driveing down the road. Thats when I noticed ..... had this strange look on his face! Thats when I said oh **** man I'm sorry! did you want some of that? he said well hell yeah! I want some of that! So I turned the truck around and headed back to where the sheep was at. meanwhile As I sat there and waited.....and waited.....and waited.... I started to worry about my ninjer friend! so I decided to go see what the hold up was! Guys imagine the shock on my face! when there he was....... with his head caught in the fence!
    That was lame.
  2. OnceLost is offline
    OnceLost's Avatar

    Here's looking at you, squid.

    Join Date
    Sep 2006
    Location
    North Florida
    Posts
    2,860

    Posted On:
    1/11/2007 3:02pm

    Join us... or die
     Style: Ke?po, MMA ultra-newb

    --
    Hell yeah! Hell no!
    It wasn't diary material, but I'll give it a few points for the attempt...
    "Reason is a choice. Wishes and whims are not facts, nor are they a means to discovering them. Reason is our only way to grasping reality -- it's our basic tool of survival. We are free to evade the effort of thinking, to reject reason, but we are not free to avoid the penalty of the abyss we refuse to see."
    - Terry Goodkind, "Faith of the Fallen"
  3. OnceLost is offline
    OnceLost's Avatar

    Here's looking at you, squid.

    Join Date
    Sep 2006
    Location
    North Florida
    Posts
    2,860

    Posted On:
    1/11/2007 3:11pm

    Join us... or die
     Style: Ke?po, MMA ultra-newb

    --
    Hell yeah! Hell no!
    A few of my father's favorites...he's a odd, odd man:

    A frog walks into a bank and sits down with a loan officer names Patty Black. He asks for a loan of $12,000 (US) to expand his pond and put in a couple lily pads.
    Patty Black says, "Do you have the collateral to cover that loan?"
    The frog whips out a delicate vase and presents it to her. She takes it to the bank president, who instantly recognizes it as a valuable Ming vase. He doesn't want to admit his knowledge to Patty Black, and he thinks the frog will probably default on the loan, so he says.........."It's a knick-knack, Patty Black. Give the frog a loan!"

    Different joke, equally a groaner:

    A famous piano-tuner, Oper Nockity, is hired by a very rich but rather silly man to tune a piano. He tunes the piano, but the rich guy isn't happy and refuses to pay Mr. Nockity for his work. Later that week, the rich man calls Oper and says that he had another piano-tuner work on the piano, but it's now badly out of tune. The rich guy asks Oper Nockity to return and re-tune the piano, to which the piano tuner says..........."Oper Nockity tunes but once."

    Did I mention my father is an odd guy?
    "Reason is a choice. Wishes and whims are not facts, nor are they a means to discovering them. Reason is our only way to grasping reality -- it's our basic tool of survival. We are free to evade the effort of thinking, to reject reason, but we are not free to avoid the penalty of the abyss we refuse to see."
    - Terry Goodkind, "Faith of the Fallen"
  4. DevonHartigan is offline
    DevonHartigan's Avatar

    Registered Member

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    Dec 2006
    Location
    Copenhagen
    Posts
    302

    Posted On:
    1/11/2007 3:17pm


     Style: Brazilian Jiu-Jitsu

    --
    Hell yeah! Hell no!
    Odd, very odd indeed. Is it just because that english isn't my first language that I don't get them? Again very strange.
  5. chillaplata is offline
    chillaplata's Avatar

    Featherweight

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    Dec 2005
    Location
    New York
    Posts
    50

    Posted On:
    1/11/2007 3:29pm

    supporting member
     Style: JKD, Kali, BJJ

    --
    Hell yeah! Hell no!
    A priest and a rabbi walk into a bar. After a few drinks, they're both pretty hungry so they order some food. As he's about to bite into his bacon double cheeseburger, the priest turns to his friend the rabbi and asks with a smile:

    "Tell me, just between us, have you ever tried a bacon double cheeseburger?"

    The rabbi admitted that once, a long time ago, he had.

    "Pretty good, huh?" says the priest with a smirk.

    After a few more drinks, the rabbi turns to the priest:

    "Tell me, just between us, have you ever slept with a woman?"

    The priest admitted that once, long ago, he had.

    "Better than bacon, huh?"
  6. chillaplata is offline
    chillaplata's Avatar

    Featherweight

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    Location
    New York
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    50

    Posted On:
    1/11/2007 3:42pm

    supporting member
     Style: JKD, Kali, BJJ

    --
    Hell yeah! Hell no!
    A man asks his closest confidantes -- his priest, his doctor and his lawyer -- to visit him on his deathbed. The dying man gives each man $10,000 in cash and asks that the money be placed in his coffin so he will be able to buy what he needs in the hereafter. The priest, doctor and lawyer all promise to do as the man asks.

    Shortly afterward the man dies. On their way back from his funeral, the priest is the first to speak:

    "I have a confession to make. I know what we all promised, but the church needed a new roof and it seemed such a waste to bury all that money with a dead man. So I took $5,000 to buy the church a new roof and only put $5,000 in the coffin."

    Then the doctor says:

    "I have to admit I did the same thing. The hospital needed a new X-ray machine, so I also took out $5,000 and put only $5,000 in the coffin."

    The lawyer glares indignantly at his companions. "I AM FLABBERGASTED! YOU GREEDY, SHAMELESS THIEVES! HOW COULD YOU BETRAY OUR FRIEND'S TRUST SO! I put in a check for the whole amount!"
  7. Boyd is offline
    Boyd's Avatar

    OFFICIAL Mayor of Cwcville

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    Sep 2002
    Location
    Cwcville
    Posts
    5,374

    Posted On:
    1/11/2007 3:47pm

    supporting member
     Style: Electricity, Speed

    --
    Hell yeah! Hell no!
    The year is 2029. An illegal breakdancing technique had inadvertantly broke The Seal holding the ghost of Noah's Ark in Hell, and for the past three years the Ark and its zombie cargo have been freely roaming the earth, leaving in their wake an unmistakable path of horror and calamity the world had not seen The Quake of 2017.

    Today the Ark Forecast--which is part of the daily news now and people have come to accept it as a tragic fact of life--predicts the Ark will arrive in a small village about 30 km west of Calcutta, or as it is called in the future, Neo Calcutta X. The prophecy proves to be all too correct. An Ark watchmen spots the Ark arriving with his future binoculars which see much farther than our binoculars due to improved optic technology thanks to robots. He considers warning the village chieftain, but then has a better idea. Predicting the Ark's general direction and knowing what basic facts about the Ark's behavior his (frankly slipshod) village education would afford him, he knew the Ark would be drawn to the village square, where it could most readily satisfy its bloodlust. Grabbing a piece of paper and a pen (Jewish Missionaries {not Christian since the Christians were raptured away in 2006} had recently visited the village and supplied them with stationary) and a hammer (Jewish Missionaries {not Christian since the Christians were raptured away in 2006} had recently visited the village and supplied them with hammers) and nails (and nails), he scribbled some archaic symbols onto the paper and nailed it to a tree facing the direction of the encroaching Ark.

    Silently the village waited. His romantic interest, who until now had appeared rather standoffish and nothing at all like a romantic interest, squeezed his hand and whispered "I just want you to know that if we don't make it through this, I....". But she was cut short by a terse whisper. "Ssssh! It's coming!"

    The fall of Babylon can be heard in the Ark's coming. The lamentations of Men and the endless sorrows of humanity. That's what the Ark hears. That's what it's made of. It is the tragedy incarnate, susisting solely off the misery and horror it brings to us. Some say the Ark is God's revenge on the world. Others that it's the world's revenge on God. Oh, I also should've mentioned the Ark sometimes hears neighs. There are horses on the Ark. Zombie horses. They still eat straw, though.

    The Ark came upon the village, its massive hull ghostly and otherworldly, like a ghost that came from another world. And without warning, the Ark stopped. The animals onboard sort of shuffled clumsily, avoiding eye contact. Noah said, in his thick pirate accent "Awww geez." The Ark turned and went away.

    Back at Mission Control, papers were flung into the air. Fists pumped. "He did it!" screamed the skeptical commander that fired the Indian watchman from NASA. "The sonuvabitch did it!"

    And back in that tiny village 30 km west of Calcutta, the lonely, bookish Indian Arkwatcher that no one believed in took the most beautiful girl in the village in his arms. He embraced her tightly. "You were saying something about....if we don't make it?" She smiled a quiet smile. Words were not necessary. Her hands clasped around the back of his neck. But before she could pull him in for that majikal kiss, the village chief, Rodney, interrupted them.

    "I can't beleieve it! You saved the village! How....what did you write on that paper?"

    "It was easy," he replied, a wry arch to his eye. "I just made an ARK WARD."
    Captain's Log: Just a little update for all my TRUE and HONEST friends out there:

    1) I am STRAIGHT! I am STRAIGHT! Get it through your thick skulls, numbskulls!

    2) My name is not Ian Brandon Something.

    3) Kacey is coming with me now. I have stolen her from the other Christian Weston Chandler.

    REMINDER: I am still the one and only true creator of sonichu and rosechu electric hedgehog pokemon
  8. MEGALEF is offline

    Still digging on James Brown

    Join Date
    Jan 2005
    Location
    Lund, Sweden
    Posts
    1,333

    Posted On:
    1/11/2007 3:47pm


     Style: BJJ & Judo (1k)

    --
    Hell yeah! Hell no!
    What do gay horses eat?
    Spoiler:
  9. Boyd is offline
    Boyd's Avatar

    OFFICIAL Mayor of Cwcville

    Join Date
    Sep 2002
    Location
    Cwcville
    Posts
    5,374

    Posted On:
    1/11/2007 3:48pm

    supporting member
     Style: Electricity, Speed

    --
    Hell yeah! Hell no!
    Thank you and good night!
    Captain's Log: Just a little update for all my TRUE and HONEST friends out there:

    1) I am STRAIGHT! I am STRAIGHT! Get it through your thick skulls, numbskulls!

    2) My name is not Ian Brandon Something.

    3) Kacey is coming with me now. I have stolen her from the other Christian Weston Chandler.

    REMINDER: I am still the one and only true creator of sonichu and rosechu electric hedgehog pokemon
  10. chillaplata is offline
    chillaplata's Avatar

    Featherweight

    Join Date
    Dec 2005
    Location
    New York
    Posts
    50

    Posted On:
    1/11/2007 3:55pm

    supporting member
     Style: JKD, Kali, BJJ

    --
    Hell yeah! Hell no!
    A guy walks into a bar in Texas and orders a beer. As he's drinking it President Bush appears on the TV behind the bar. The guy says, loudly, "George Bush is the biggest horse's ass this country has ever produced!" A cowboy at the other end of the bar immediately walks over, decks the guy with one punch, and walks out.

    The guy picks himself off the floor, dusts himself off, and orders another beer. Now Cheney appears on TV. Without thinking, the guy says "Dick Cheney's a horse's ass too!" A second cowboy walks over, punches the guy out, and leaves.

    The guy picks himself up off the floor again and says to the bartender:

    "Man, I'd have kept my mouth shut if I knew this was such solid Bush country!"

    The bartender replies:

    "It ain't. It's horse country."

    [And yes, I know the joke was originally about Bill and Hillary Clinton, but I thought it needed some updating] :icon_razz
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