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  1. Lights Out is offline

    Senior Member

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    Posted On:
    1/11/2007 6:23pm

    Join us... or die
     Style: None

    --
    Hell yeah! Hell no!
    I'll dedicate this to Mega jesus-san:

    A young man tired of today's world, decides to retire to a monastery where he can live in quiet peace. He finds and order whose members are only allowed to sepak three words every ten years, and he joins.

    The first ten years pass and the monks reunite in front of the abbot to speak their three words. Each monk goes in front of the abbot and say "oh my lord", "praised be lord" and such. It is the turn of the young man and he says "food is awful".

    The second ten years pass and the scene repats, the monks go "oh my lord", praised be lord" and the young man says "bed is hard".

    The third ten years pass and the scene, again, repeats, the monks go "oh my lord", "praised be god" and the young man says "I'm out!" to which the abbot replies "no wonder, you've been bitching for thirty years!"
  2. Shawarma is online now

    Senior Member

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    Posted On:
    1/11/2007 6:36pm


     

    --
    Hell yeah! Hell no!
    Here's a good old one:

    Three men stand before St Peter awaiting admission into Heaven. However, St Peter has been informed that Heaven will only admit 33% of applicants today.

    The admissions standard: Who died the worst death? So St Peter takes each of the three men aside in turn and asks them about how they died.

    First man: "I'd been suspecting for a long time that my wife was cheating on me. I decided to come home early form work one afternoon and check to see if I could catch her in the act. When I got back to my apartment, I heard the water running. My wife was in the shower. I looked everywhere for the guy, but couldn't find anyone or any trace that he had been there. But the last place I looked was out on the balcony. I found the bastard hanging from the edge, trying to get back in! So I started jumping up and down on his hands, and he yelled, but he didn't fall. So I ran inside and got a hammer, and crushed his fingers with it until he fell twenty-five floors screaming in agony. But the fall didn't kill the asshole - he landed in these bushes! So I dragged the refrigerator from the kitchen (it weighed about a ton), pulled it to the balcony, and hurled it over the edge. It landed right on the guy and killed him. But by then I'd exerted myself so much I had a heart attack and died.

    St Peter nodded slowly as the man recounted the story. Then, telling the first man to wait, he took the second aside.

    Second man: "I lived on the twenty-seventh floor of this apartment building. I had just purchased this book on morning exercises and was practicing them on my balcony, enjoying the sunshine, when I lost my balance and fell off the edge. Luckily, I only fell about two floors before grabbing another balcony and holding on for dear life. I was trying to pull myself up when this lunatic came running onto what must have been his balcony and started jumping up and down on my hands. I screamed in pain, but he seemed really irate. When he finally stopped, I tried to pull myself up again, but he comes out with this hammer and smashes my fingers to a pulp! I fell, and I thought I was dead, but I landed in these bushes. I couldn't believe my second stroke of luck, but it didn't last - the last thing I saw was this enormous refrigerator falling from the building down on top of me and crushing me."

    St Peter comforted the man, who seemed to have several broken bones. Then he told him to wait, and turned to the third man.

    Third man: "Picture this. You're hiding, naked, in a refrigerator..."
  3. gringokahn is offline

    Registered Member

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    Posted On:
    1/11/2007 6:38pm


     Style: BJJ, MMA, Judo, WTF TKD

    --
    Hell yeah! Hell no!
    A pirate walks into a bar with a ship's wheel stuffed down his pants. The barkeep ask him if he knows he's got a ship's wheel down his trousers. "Arrrr", the pirate replied, "it's driving me nuts".
  4. Lights Out is offline

    Senior Member

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    Posted On:
    1/11/2007 6:45pm

    Join us... or die
     Style: None

    --
    Hell yeah! Hell no!
    This a a friend of mine's favourite... or was when he was 13.

    A drunk man steps into a bus and sees a nun sitting by herself. so he goes to her and begins to give her the beating of her life. When he's done beating the nun he yells "see? you're not that tough, batman!"
  5. Lights Out is offline

    Senior Member

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    Posted On:
    1/11/2007 6:49pm

    Join us... or die
     Style: None

    --
    Hell yeah! Hell no!
    Q: What is a tomatoe with a cape?

    Spoiler:
    A: Super-tomatoe!


    Q: What is a banana with a cape?

    Spoiler:
    A: A banana dressed as super-tomatoe!
  6. MEGA JESUS-SAMA is offline
    MEGA JESUS-SAMA's Avatar

    **** you math class

    Join Date
    Jan 2005
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    Pirate Island
    Posts
    7,038

    Posted On:
    1/11/2007 6:51pm

    supporting member
     Style: TKD, Ballet, Archery

    --
    Hell yeah! Hell no!
    Quote Originally Posted by Lights Out
    Q: What is a tomatoe with a cape?
    That all depends, what flavor is the cape?
  7. gringokahn is offline

    Registered Member

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    Posted On:
    1/11/2007 6:56pm


     Style: BJJ, MMA, Judo, WTF TKD

    --
    Hell yeah! Hell no!
    My name is Joe and I have 2 Labrador Retrievers. Last week, I was
    buying a large bag of Purina at Wal-Mart and was in line to check out.

    A woman behind me asked if I had a dog. On impulse, I told her that
    no, I was starting The Purina Diet again, although I probably shouldn't
    because I'd ended up in the hospital last time, but that I'd lost 50
    pounds before I awakened in an intensive care ward with tubes coming out
    of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms.

    I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way
    that it works is to load your pants pockets with Purina nuggets and
    simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry & that the food is
    nutritionally complete so I was going to try it again.

    I have to mention here that practically everyone in the line was by
    now enthralled with my story, particularly a guy who was behind her.

    Horrified, she asked if I'd ended up in the hospital in that condition
    because I had been poisoned. I told her no; it was because I'd been
    sitting in the street licking my balls and a car hit me.

    I thought one guy was going to have a heart attack he was laughing so
    hard as he staggered out the door.
  8. chillaplata is offline
    chillaplata's Avatar

    Featherweight

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    New York
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    Posted On:
    1/11/2007 7:19pm

    supporting member
     Style: JKD, Kali, BJJ

    --
    Hell yeah! Hell no!
    A man dies and goes to Hell. He is understandably very afraid and upset, but a big demon comes over, puts a scaly arm around the man's shoulder, and welcomes him warmly:

    "Don't be glum, Chum! Hell's a blast! Just listen to all the fun things we get up to down here. You like to drink?"

    The man says "Yeah, sure."

    "Well, every Monday we have the mother of all pub crawls down here. We've got every kind of alchohol there is and you can drink as much as you want."

    The man says "Wow, that doesn't sound so bad."

    "You bet it isn't. You like to gamble?"

    "Hell, yeah."

    "Well, every Wednesday we play high-stakes no-limit Texas hold'em all day long."

    "Wow, that sounds pretty cool."

    "Damn straight. You like to smoke?"

    "Sure."

    "Well, every Friday here is a smoker's paradise. Cuban stogies, whatever you want -- even unlimited weed and crack if that's your pleasure. And you can't get cancer because you're already dead!"

    "Man, Hell sounds fantastic!"

    "That's the fact, Jack. You gay?"

    "Uhh...no."

    And the demon grins slyly at the man, pulls him a little bit closer and says "Ooooh...you're going to hate Saturdays!"
  9. Cassius is online now
    Cassius's Avatar

    Moderator

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    Mar 2005
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    6,998

    Posted On:
    1/11/2007 7:21pm

    supporting memberforum leader
     Style: Brazilian Jiu-Jitsu

    --
    Hell yeah! Hell no!
    Quote Originally Posted by Boyd
    The year is 2029. An illegal breakdancing technique had inadvertantly broke The Seal holding the ghost of Noah's Ark in Hell, and for the past three years the Ark and its zombie cargo have been freely roaming the earth, leaving in their wake an unmistakable path of horror and calamity the world had not seen The Quake of 2017.

    Today the Ark Forecast--which is part of the daily news now and people have come to accept it as a tragic fact of life--predicts the Ark will arrive in a small village about 30 km west of Calcutta, or as it is called in the future, Neo Calcutta X. The prophecy proves to be all too correct. An Ark watchmen spots the Ark arriving with his future binoculars which see much farther than our binoculars due to improved optic technology thanks to robots. He considers warning the village chieftain, but then has a better idea. Predicting the Ark's general direction and knowing what basic facts about the Ark's behavior his (frankly slipshod) village education would afford him, he knew the Ark would be drawn to the village square, where it could most readily satisfy its bloodlust. Grabbing a piece of paper and a pen (Jewish Missionaries {not Christian since the Christians were raptured away in 2006} had recently visited the village and supplied them with stationary) and a hammer (Jewish Missionaries {not Christian since the Christians were raptured away in 2006} had recently visited the village and supplied them with hammers) and nails (and nails), he scribbled some archaic symbols onto the paper and nailed it to a tree facing the direction of the encroaching Ark.

    Silently the village waited. His romantic interest, who until now had appeared rather standoffish and nothing at all like a romantic interest, squeezed his hand and whispered "I just want you to know that if we don't make it through this, I....". But she was cut short by a terse whisper. "Ssssh! It's coming!"

    The fall of Babylon can be heard in the Ark's coming. The lamentations of Men and the endless sorrows of humanity. That's what the Ark hears. That's what it's made of. It is the tragedy incarnate, susisting solely off the misery and horror it brings to us. Some say the Ark is God's revenge on the world. Others that it's the world's revenge on God. Oh, I also should've mentioned the Ark sometimes hears neighs. There are horses on the Ark. Zombie horses. They still eat straw, though.

    The Ark came upon the village, its massive hull ghostly and otherworldly, like a ghost that came from another world. And without warning, the Ark stopped. The animals onboard sort of shuffled clumsily, avoiding eye contact. Noah said, in his thick pirate accent "Awww geez." The Ark turned and went away.

    Back at Mission Control, papers were flung into the air. Fists pumped. "He did it!" screamed the skeptical commander that fired the Indian watchman from NASA. "The sonuvabitch did it!"

    And back in that tiny village 30 km west of Calcutta, the lonely, bookish Indian Arkwatcher that no one believed in took the most beautiful girl in the village in his arms. He embraced her tightly. "You were saying something about....if we don't make it?" She smiled a quiet smile. Words were not necessary. Her hands clasped around the back of his neck. But before she could pull him in for that majikal kiss, the village chief, Rodney, interrupted them.

    "I can't beleieve it! You saved the village! How....what did you write on that paper?"

    "It was easy," he replied, a wry arch to his eye. "I just made an ARK WARD."
    All animals are equal. Some are more equal than others.
    "No. Listen to me because I know what I'm talking about here." -- Hannibal
  10. Lights Out is offline

    Senior Member

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    Posted On:
    1/11/2007 7:28pm

    Join us... or die
     Style: None

    --
    Hell yeah! Hell no!
    A monkey stumbled across a lion. The monkey was afraid the lion might eat him, so he tells the lion "wanna play hide?", "sure", replies the lion, "ok, you count" says the monkey. the lion faces to a tree and begins to count, but the monkey fucks him up the ass instead of trying to hide, and then runs away. The enraged lion chases the monkey, but the monkey manages to hide between the bushes. Anyway, the lion is getting near, when the monkey notices a tourist's camp nearby, he approaches the camp and gets a hat, sunglasses and a paper. Puts the sunglasses and the hat on and hides behind the paper, as if he was reading it. The lion notices him and yells "hey, you, you seen a monkey over here?", the monkey, shaking wiht fear replies "uuuhh... I dunno... a monkey who fucked a lion up the ass?" and the lion says "dammit! it's already on the papers!"
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