Thread: The hilarious thread!
1/11/2007 6:23pm, #111
I'll dedicate this to Mega jesus-san:
A young man tired of today's world, decides to retire to a monastery where he can live in quiet peace. He finds and order whose members are only allowed to sepak three words every ten years, and he joins.
The first ten years pass and the monks reunite in front of the abbot to speak their three words. Each monk goes in front of the abbot and say "oh my lord", "praised be lord" and such. It is the turn of the young man and he says "food is awful".
The second ten years pass and the scene repats, the monks go "oh my lord", praised be lord" and the young man says "bed is hard".
The third ten years pass and the scene, again, repeats, the monks go "oh my lord", "praised be god" and the young man says "I'm out!" to which the abbot replies "no wonder, you've been bitching for thirty years!"
1/11/2007 6:36pm, #112
- Join Date
- Jul 2003
Here's a good old one:
Three men stand before St Peter awaiting admission into Heaven. However, St Peter has been informed that Heaven will only admit 33% of applicants today.
The admissions standard: Who died the worst death? So St Peter takes each of the three men aside in turn and asks them about how they died.
First man: "I'd been suspecting for a long time that my wife was cheating on me. I decided to come home early form work one afternoon and check to see if I could catch her in the act. When I got back to my apartment, I heard the water running. My wife was in the shower. I looked everywhere for the guy, but couldn't find anyone or any trace that he had been there. But the last place I looked was out on the balcony. I found the bastard hanging from the edge, trying to get back in! So I started jumping up and down on his hands, and he yelled, but he didn't fall. So I ran inside and got a hammer, and crushed his fingers with it until he fell twenty-five floors screaming in agony. But the fall didn't kill the asshole - he landed in these bushes! So I dragged the refrigerator from the kitchen (it weighed about a ton), pulled it to the balcony, and hurled it over the edge. It landed right on the guy and killed him. But by then I'd exerted myself so much I had a heart attack and died.
St Peter nodded slowly as the man recounted the story. Then, telling the first man to wait, he took the second aside.
Second man: "I lived on the twenty-seventh floor of this apartment building. I had just purchased this book on morning exercises and was practicing them on my balcony, enjoying the sunshine, when I lost my balance and fell off the edge. Luckily, I only fell about two floors before grabbing another balcony and holding on for dear life. I was trying to pull myself up when this lunatic came running onto what must have been his balcony and started jumping up and down on my hands. I screamed in pain, but he seemed really irate. When he finally stopped, I tried to pull myself up again, but he comes out with this hammer and smashes my fingers to a pulp! I fell, and I thought I was dead, but I landed in these bushes. I couldn't believe my second stroke of luck, but it didn't last - the last thing I saw was this enormous refrigerator falling from the building down on top of me and crushing me."
St Peter comforted the man, who seemed to have several broken bones. Then he told him to wait, and turned to the third man.
Third man: "Picture this. You're hiding, naked, in a refrigerator..."
1/11/2007 6:38pm, #113
- Join Date
- Sep 2006
- Area 51
A pirate walks into a bar with a ship's wheel stuffed down his pants. The barkeep ask him if he knows he's got a ship's wheel down his trousers. "Arrrr", the pirate replied, "it's driving me nuts".
1/11/2007 6:45pm, #114
This a a friend of mine's favourite... or was when he was 13.
A drunk man steps into a bus and sees a nun sitting by herself. so he goes to her and begins to give her the beating of her life. When he's done beating the nun he yells "see? you're not that tough, batman!"
1/11/2007 6:49pm, #115
Q: What is a tomatoe with a cape?
Q: What is a banana with a cape?
1/11/2007 6:51pm, #116Originally Posted by Lights Out
1/11/2007 6:56pm, #117
- Join Date
- Sep 2006
- Area 51
My name is Joe and I have 2 Labrador Retrievers. Last week, I was
buying a large bag of Purina at Wal-Mart and was in line to check out.
A woman behind me asked if I had a dog. On impulse, I told her that
no, I was starting The Purina Diet again, although I probably shouldn't
because I'd ended up in the hospital last time, but that I'd lost 50
pounds before I awakened in an intensive care ward with tubes coming out
of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms.
I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way
that it works is to load your pants pockets with Purina nuggets and
simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry & that the food is
nutritionally complete so I was going to try it again.
I have to mention here that practically everyone in the line was by
now enthralled with my story, particularly a guy who was behind her.
Horrified, she asked if I'd ended up in the hospital in that condition
because I had been poisoned. I told her no; it was because I'd been
sitting in the street licking my balls and a car hit me.
I thought one guy was going to have a heart attack he was laughing so
hard as he staggered out the door.
1/11/2007 7:19pm, #118
A man dies and goes to Hell. He is understandably very afraid and upset, but a big demon comes over, puts a scaly arm around the man's shoulder, and welcomes him warmly:
"Don't be glum, Chum! Hell's a blast! Just listen to all the fun things we get up to down here. You like to drink?"
The man says "Yeah, sure."
"Well, every Monday we have the mother of all pub crawls down here. We've got every kind of alchohol there is and you can drink as much as you want."
The man says "Wow, that doesn't sound so bad."
"You bet it isn't. You like to gamble?"
"Well, every Wednesday we play high-stakes no-limit Texas hold'em all day long."
"Wow, that sounds pretty cool."
"Damn straight. You like to smoke?"
"Well, every Friday here is a smoker's paradise. Cuban stogies, whatever you want -- even unlimited weed and crack if that's your pleasure. And you can't get cancer because you're already dead!"
"Man, Hell sounds fantastic!"
"That's the fact, Jack. You gay?"
And the demon grins slyly at the man, pulls him a little bit closer and says "Ooooh...you're going to hate Saturdays!"
1/11/2007 7:21pm, #119Originally Posted by Boyd"No. Listen to me because I know what I'm talking about here." -- Hannibal
1/11/2007 7:28pm, #120
A monkey stumbled across a lion. The monkey was afraid the lion might eat him, so he tells the lion "wanna play hide?", "sure", replies the lion, "ok, you count" says the monkey. the lion faces to a tree and begins to count, but the monkey fucks him up the ass instead of trying to hide, and then runs away. The enraged lion chases the monkey, but the monkey manages to hide between the bushes. Anyway, the lion is getting near, when the monkey notices a tourist's camp nearby, he approaches the camp and gets a hat, sunglasses and a paper. Puts the sunglasses and the hat on and hides behind the paper, as if he was reading it. The lion notices him and yells "hey, you, you seen a monkey over here?", the monkey, shaking wiht fear replies "uuuhh... I dunno... a monkey who fucked a lion up the ass?" and the lion says "dammit! it's already on the papers!"