Godammit! I’m so angry I can barely write -- and my hand hurting like hell doesn't help! I am so tired of people not believing me! Always asking for ‘verifiable’ information…fuck them! Don’t they know I’m Jiggy Himmins?? Are THEY 6th Dan in Combat Tukong – **** no! Is there no one else with the training to understand the concepts I mention? As if I would bother teaching them stuff when they haven’t even bothered to do some basic research!
Sorry I tore your page with that writing, diary, I’m just fed up with these guys. Today, I was at the flea market looking at the shuraken…sherikin…(why can’t I remember that damn word?)…well, the throwing stars. You know, seeing if that fat lady who works the cart can cut me a deal. I think it was going pretty well, ‘cause I was able to ignore the hair growing out of that mole on her second chin and I got her to agree to sell me five throwing stars for $3. I was trying to explain to her that I wanted the large ones so I could hold them in my hand like a knife, right, because that’s how I fight. She was all like, “That’s pretty cool,” but this fucking dork walking by just laughed and said he wanted to see videos of it. I told him to get the hell away from me or I’d **** his 6’6” ass up and he just walked away. I knew he would, because my ki aura has become really powerful recently. Than the fat lady said she couldn’t hear what I muttered but I didn’t want to offend a lady (especially not one with that many chins), so I just bought a few more throwing stars and left.
I went back to the house, set up the video camera in the basement, and grabbed my favorite throwing star. It’s my only 6 incher and it fits my hand real nice…plus, the blades make a great hissing sound when I spin my arm real fast. Anyway, I set up the camera to take some video of me wailing on the wavemaster – I even took about half of the water out of the base to make it look all dramatic and **** when I punch it. I was a little worried about cutting through the Century logo with the throwing star, cause the bag is in GREAT condition – not a single sign of wear in all the years I’ve owned it! – but I figured that was a sacrifice I would make to educate the less fortunate. So I did a little atomic level meditation to strengthen my mitochondria, got a good grip, and started a little education session for that muscle bound punk. The first punch went really well, it was a left jab that I was going to use to set up the punch with the throwing star, but then there must have been some weird subcrustaceaneous resonance or a minor earthquake or something because I got distracted and ended up cutting the **** out of my hand. There was no earthquake in the news (I checked after I got down downloading that Jenna Jameson video), so I think it was a universal Ki shift. Those happen every once in a while - just my bad luck that I didn't have time to adjust. Now I’m writing with a band-aid between my thumb and forefinger, another below my pinky, and a big ass wad of gauze taped to my wrist. It hurts like hell and…dammit, it’s starting to bleed again. Hang on…
Alright, I used my other hand to press down firmly on the bandage for about 30 seconds while I used some subatomic level meditation to slow my heartbeat, so it stopped bleeding. I’ll do some ki breathing later tonight to speed the healing process.
This little incident made me think, though – maybe people would get something out of the memoir if I put some stories about pressure point healing in there. There is so much pain in the world (and my hand) right now, that I think everyone would benefit from the healing powers I can show them.
Like that time when Sebastian came down with that head cold and his mom brought him to class anyway. I hate when parents do that, but they just make jokes about the Tukong Daycare and walk out! Anyway, his nose was all stuffed up and he had a real sore throat, so I let him sit in the lobby during class and play Legend of Zelda on my GameBoy. When I checked on him, he had this big ass trail of green snot running from one nostril to his upper lip that completely weirded me out. I made him go wipe his nose and then I put some extra strength tiger balm on his upper lip, touched some of the pressure points on his arm, and I gave him a couple swigs of Nyquil from the bottle on my desk – you know, diary, that bottle I fortified with a few shots of Captain Morgans. I checked on him twenty minutes later and the pressure points had worked! His nose wasn’t stuffed up and his sore throat wasn’t bothering him anymore! His mom came to pick him up right after that and she was amazed at his recovery, but then she started freaking out while I was showing her the stress-relieving pressure points on the inside of the thigh. See, Sebastian had helped himself to the rest of my Nyquil (that big bottle I bought at the wholesale place) and he was seeing double and starting to slur a little bit. She wanted to take him to the hospital, but I told her to take him home and give him a few cups of coffee and I’d stop by after class to check on him. I did and he was fine, although I hear he had a headache the next morning.
****! That story sucks! I just can’t come up with anything really interesting…alright, what do you think of this, diary?
Sweet! I think that had just the right foreshadowing at the end; enough to catch a reader’s interest and make them want to know more about how cool I am! I just hope no one picks up on the weird **** in the story, like why a mother would want to walk me out and introduce me to her ex-husband rather than stay with her son, who had just come out of a coma. Oh well, that can’t be helped, I guess. Besides, most people aren’t smart enough to pick up on **** like that – hell, they probably still believe in chi or qi or some ****. I TRY to tell them, “Ki or nothing,” but they just don’t get it…
Originally Posted by tukong
Anyway, I’m really getting hot about the memoir idea! Seriously, what better way to inspire children than to tell them stories about my life? Plus, I’ll make some mega-CA$H!! That would be sweet – I could finally afford that wicked collapsible three-section-staff I’ve been checking out at the flea market. You know, the black aluminum one with the neon green LEDs on the ends. That’s right, bee-atch, nobody’d want a hit in the head from that bad boy!
Anyway, I’ll write in you later, diary. I have to go change the bandage again- the universal Ki shift must have upset my mitochondrian platelets, so the blood isn’t clotting the way it should.
Damn that was a long entry!
Mitochondrian meditation ftw.
I'm interested. I have to find the time to read the Higgins thread though. I just glanced over some of his posts and...well...I really don't know what to say...delusional barely scratches the surface of the guys psychosis.
A friend of mine majoring in Psychology mentioned that analyzing Jimmy's writing and attempting to discern whether he is seeking approval by consciously exxagreating or is simply a total delusional would be an interesting paper topic.
Originally Posted by GoldenJonas
Okay, so, no-one said that except for me. But if I had friends, and one of them was in psychology, and they wrote non-research papers, that friend would totally say that.
That is gold right there. I can shut off teh internets and go to bed with a smile on my face now.
Originally Posted by Epicurus
Did you like the way I called you ‘dear’ that time? I thought you would. I think it might have sent a shiver down your spine…haha, see, that was funny because you’re a book and books have spines. Unlike me. When I started my training in Tukong, my instructor actually removed all of my bones and replaced them with specifically carved pieces of heartwood from a Korean ironoak that had been soaked in ditdajao ointment by an ancient samurai warrior training at the Shaolin temple. It was painful, but that’s part of the reason I’m so tough. There’s something you didn’t know, huh? You learn something every day, diary, you really do.
Oh, and I have exciting news! I got an email from the “World Sake-sip Council,” who want to honor my lifelong devotion and achievements in martial arts. I’ve pawned a few pieces of grandma’s jewelry, so I should be able to afford the large certificate with the full-color printing AND a half page mention in the “Who’s Who of Modern Martial Artists” encyclopedia – that’s right, a half page in the Who’s Who of MMA!! That will prove to the few who doubt me that I am really am Jiggy Himmins and I really was there and I really did everything I say.
I’ve been spending a lot of time doing atomic level meditation, so my hand is healing very nicely. I’m definitely not posting that video on the internet, that’s for damn sure. Those internet losers probably don’t even know enough to recognize that someone was deliberately attempting to influence my aura at the time! Oh, wait, let me see what I wrote earlier…okay, scratch that aura comment. Those internet losers probably don’t even know enough to recognize the universal ki shift that disrupted my grip on the throwing star at the time! Strangely enough, the scar on my wrist from throwing star is right over that scar I got during the assassination attempt back in ‘Nam – the one that I did for the Agency in the village of Dam Lai. Maybe I should tell that story in my memoirs…actually, on second thought, I think I’ll stick with my current theme: ki powers.
Let’s see…it would probably be good if I could tell a story about Sebastian again, kinda make him a recurring character. He’d probably thank me for that, if he ever makes parole.
Sebastian was one of my youngest students at 15 years old. Despite the fact that we don’t accept anyone under 18 years old as students unless they’ve already been training with us for three years, he showed convinced me early on that he’d be a worthy addition to the school. Besides, he had a very strong aura that was really easy to grab on to during our ki pulling drills – I could throw him all over the place from across the room.
One day Sebastian and I were sparring kinda hard. It was rough stuff, diary, but we were moving at about 75% speed and taking care not to actually touch each other when we scored our points. Anyway, I was trying to show him how to set up a back jumping twist kick - I had centered my ki at my top three chakra so I could get some height with the kick, so I definitely wasn’t prepared when he came forward (when he was supposed to be stepping back, by the way) and caught me right in the nutsack with a rising foot blast toe poke. It hurt more than that time I tried to shave my arms with the potato peeler as a chi gung exercise! I think you already know, diary, that we don’t practice wearing athletic protectors because you don’t get to put one of those on when you’re chucking throwing stars at pimps on the mean streets of Austin, you know what I mean?
So his kick surprised me for a second, but I deep some rapid shallow Ki breathing to soothe the aggravated mitochondria in my gonads and I was able to get control of myself fairly quickly. Then I figured it was time for a little education. Without letting him know that I recovered, I stumbled back and fell to the ground. I must have done it pretty convincingly, because everyone gasped like they really thought I was hurt. Knocking over the ancient hand carved statue of Buddha off the radio was a good touch, but I really wish it hadn’t broken (no worries, the lady at the flea market had a couple of them). Anyway, I pushed my Ki up into my face to make it turn purple as I pretended to gasp in pain and Sebastian fell right into my trap. He rushed over and kneeled next to me, wringing his hands and apologizing over and over again like a good student should. I let him sweat a little bit while we rolled me out of a fetal position and onto my back, while I was still consciously unfocusing my eyes and keeping my face purple…then, when he was starting to get really upset, I punched him right in the face.
You’ve never seen anyone so surprised!! He made a cute little mewling noise as he fell back, kind of like the noise my cat makes when I practice low kicks with her, and when he sat up he had blood pouring down his face and shirt. One of the students said, “Fucking dick!” and I was impressed that they knew I could get little Jiggy up and jumping even after a kick to the groin. Anyway, Sebastian was sitting on the ground crying, so I rolled to me feet and told the class that you couldn’t underestimate an opponent – sometimes your enemy is sneaky and just waits to lure you in while they use their Ki to heal a wound you’ve given them. I must have pushed too much Ki to my boy-berries, though, because I couldn’t stand up all the way while I was teaching the class that important point.
Then, to demonstrate the healing powers of Ki, I told Sebastian to stand up and tilt his head back. He shook his head no and refused to look at me while he pinched his nose, but I told him to stop being such a little ***** bitch because Korean soldiers (a special group, not the ROK marines) trained for thousands of years by taking full power punches to the face. That is part of the reason you can’t punch to the head in Tae Kwon Do – the Masters don’t want those TKDers to relearn the secrets that we’ve never forgotten in Tukong. Anyway, I got Sebastian to stand up and tilt his head back, so I put my hand on his chest and gently massaged several pressure points for about 45 seconds, then I told him to take his hand away. The bleeding had stopped!
Hmm, not too bad, diary. I kind of like that story, but I want to tie in a little more about his previous injury and maybe something kind of dramatic. Like…nightmares! Yeah, stuff like Ki is part of the unconscientious mind, so it would fit right in if I mentioned bad dreams and stuff. Here we go…
Pretty damn good, if I do say so myself (which I do, because I AM Jiggy Himmins, regardless of who doubts me). I especially like the part about him wanting to learn how to touch someone and make them bleed. Heh, it would have completely blown his mind if I told him how truly powerful my aura was – when I was living with my girlfriend (the one who left me for the retarded bag boy at the grocery store), my aura was so intense that she would bleed at least once a month from…well, you know…’down there.’ Ohh, I’m feeling naughty in the pants, so I’m going to go watch that Jenna Jameson video I was downloading last night. I bet she’d like to see my little tukong-dong, eh? Damn skippy…
Originally Posted by tukong
- JH 6dCT
PS Do you like my new signature? It stands for Jiggy Himmins 6th Dan Combat Tukong. That’s me, baby, and I know because I am HERE!
Hmm, that isn’t quite as catchy as I hoped it would be…I’ll work on it for the next entry.
Lolz. $10 says that Jimmy actually did something like this to his students at least once before (like the pressure point KO story...)
Originally Posted by OnceLost
It boggles my mind that anyone can be that fucking delusional.