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  1. OnceLost is offline
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    Here's looking at you, squid.

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    Posted On:
    11/27/2006 10:56am

    Join us... or die
     Style: Ke?po, MMA ultra-newb

    --
    Hell yeah! Hell no!

    A PARODY: Diary of a Tukong Master

    Diary of a Tukong Master


    Diary,
    I’m thinking of writing a memoir. I mean, I am absolutely the coolest person who ever lived. It wasn’t easy to come to that conclusion. I had to read at least 30 history books and painstakingly compare the modest achievements of other famous people with my own accomplishments. But the evidence cannot be disputed. Here’s something to think about:
    Was Napoleon a 6th Dan in Combat Tukong?
    No, he was just a short Italian guy with a good army.
    Did Elvis diagnose a brain infection over the telephone?
    No, he was too busy posing for velvet paintings. Homo.
    How many prostitutes did Captain America save using his throwing stars?
    Hah! He didn’t even HAVE throwing stars. He just threw his shield! Who throws a shield?!?
    Could Einstein use his ki to control other people?
    Nope. After he invented electricity, he pretty much dried up.

    Now you see my point. So about the memoir; I thought I’d title it, “King Tukong” or something like that. I think it should be a series of stories about the wicked cool stuff I’ve done. You know, the martial arts stuff. No one wants to hear about how I broke my front tooth when I tried to bite through the coke bottle. Or that incident at the petting zoo. Those goats were fucking rough, man…actually, maybe I will put the incident with the goats in. Except this time I won’t pee on myself. And I’ll knock some of THEM down. Yeah…see, diary, you can change a little bit of your life if you write a memoir. As long as you don’t change, like, a million little pieces of the story than you’re okay.

    Anyway, for the first chapter, I thought it would be cool if I wrote about how I picked up that girl from the Salvation Army in Austin. You know, the one on the bad side of town. I was having dinner with the Schneckelburgs (the ones who make that amazing salmon and lemon quiche) and they asked me to pick up their daughter from where she volunteered at the soup kitchen. I had no idea she worked in such a bad area! Of course, I agreed. I didn’t want to, but my parents were there and they told me that they wouldn’t let me go to church if I didn’t help out. I hate being grounded from church.

    So I drove down there. It’s a good thing it was still daylight out or I would have had to go stealthy. As it was, I saw these black people sitting at a bus stop near an intersection and, OF COURSE, the light was red so I had to stop right next to them. I swear, they were just waiting to jump me. So I pulled a little tukong mind-trick by staring straight ahead and concentrating my ki so they wouldn’t attack. The trick is to not look at them, otherwise they might get scared and attack out of fear. Besides, I wasn’t that worried because I had my throwing stars under the seat. So I picked her up and drove her home…

    Actually, that’s a shitty story. Let me see what I can do with it…
    Quote Originally Posted by tukong
    A parent called me and asked me to find her 16 year old daughter who she had not seen in a week. I talked with a few of her friends and did some scouting and found her turning tricks on a street in East Austin. I picked her up and told her I was talking her home. She wanted to go by an apartment and get her clothes from the guy that had roped her into doing this.

    We went to the apartment and the guy thought I was just another "John" so he let me in and there was an older man running the operation sitting on the bed on the phone. I did not follow the girl into the room and the young guy said I could go on in. I told him she was here to get her clothes and that we were leaving and she was not coming back. The older man heard this and started threatening me while still on the phone and the young guy slinked off to the corner.

    I had both stars in my hands when I walked in but you can't see them until I make a fists. I don't like guns. The girl came out of the room with her stuff and the older man knew what was going on. I was going to take one of his best cash cows off the street and way from him.

    He started to reach into the drawer by the bed and I put one star right past his face and buried it into the headboard next to his head and he froze. I told the girl to get me the gun.. She walked over the drawer and opened it and there was a gun inside. She got it and gave it to me. I told her to get her stuff and put it into the car.

    The older man started to talk and I cocked the gun. He shut up and I walked over and took the star out of the headboard and walked over to the door. I told him that the next time he talks I put a star through his head. He said nothing. I un-cocked the gun and emptied the cylinder of bullets onto the floor. I said you get this back when we leave.

    We sat there in silence as she got the rest of her stuff and walked out of the room to the car. I looked at both of them and said, "I never want to you see you near hear again or you will die. And you never want to see me again." I tossed the young guy the empty gun and walked out and closed the door. I ran like a track star for the car and drove off.

    Just as we get out of the parking lot, she say, wait I forgot a pair of shoes under the bed. As if I was going back there now. I told her she could buy herself new shoes and drove her home to her mother. They had a teary reunion and the mom thanked me profusely.
    Yeah, that’s much cooler!

    Tata for now, diary – I’ll write another chapter as soon as I finish washing these streak marks out of my BVDs.
    - Jiggy Himmins


    http://www.bullshido.net/forums/showthread.php?t=28771
  2. Axelton is offline

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    Posted On:
    11/27/2006 11:11am


     Style: Wing Chun, Hung Gar

    --
    Hell yeah! Hell no!
    this better be as good as BJJ and Nija and samurai teens!
  3. OnceLost is offline
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    Here's looking at you, squid.

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    Posted On:
    11/27/2006 11:13am

    Join us... or die
     Style: Ke?po, MMA ultra-newb

    --
    Hell yeah! Hell no!
    That's a tough comparison! I'm hoping to tie in some actual claims in every story...we'll see.
  4. Backdraft is offline

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    Posted On:
    11/27/2006 11:18am


     Style: Shootfighting

    --
    Hell yeah! Hell no!
    We'll see indeed. Did make me chuckle, so hope is not lost. ;)
  5. Epicurus is offline

    I'm grindin' 'till I'm tired...

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    Posted On:
    11/27/2006 11:45am


     Style: Judo. Some BJJ/Kickboxing

    --
    Hell yeah! Hell no!
    What the hell is Tukong?

    Based on this story it sounds like what I used to pretend to do when I was twelve, except with a lot less prostitution in this version.
  6. OnceLost is offline
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    Here's looking at you, squid.

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    Posted On:
    11/27/2006 11:53am

    Join us... or die
     Style: Ke?po, MMA ultra-newb

    --
    Hell yeah! Hell no!
    Check http://www.bullshido.net/forums/showthread.php?t=28771. I'm not sure why that didn't link in the first post.
    There is another thread about Tukong at http://www.bullshido.net/forums/showthread.php?t=23262

    You can form your own opinions, I'm sure.

    EDIT - fixed link.
  7. Epicurus is offline

    I'm grindin' 'till I'm tired...

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    Posted On:
    11/27/2006 12:05pm


     Style: Judo. Some BJJ/Kickboxing

    --
    Hell yeah! Hell no!
    Quote Originally Posted by OnceLost
    Check http://www.bullshido.net/forums/showthread.php?t=28771. I'm not sure why that didn't link in the first post.
    There is another thread about Tukong at http://www.bullshido.net/forums/showthread.php?t=23262

    You can form your own opinions, I'm sure.

    EDIT - fixed link.
    Gracias.
  8. OnceLost is offline
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    Here's looking at you, squid.

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    Posted On:
    11/27/2006 12:14pm

    Join us... or die
     Style: Ke?po, MMA ultra-newb

    --
    Hell yeah! Hell no!
    Oh, my pleasure.
  9. Sam Browning is offline

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    Posted On:
    11/27/2006 12:55pm

    hall of famestaff
     

    --
    Hell yeah! Hell no!
    This is funny!
  10. OnceLost is offline
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    Here's looking at you, squid.

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    Posted On:
    11/27/2006 1:09pm

    Join us... or die
     Style: Ke?po, MMA ultra-newb

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    Hell yeah! Hell no!
    Thank you, SB!
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