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Thread: New Blood

  1. #11
    alex's Avatar
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    Hell yeah! Hell no!
    a lesbian seal of approval for hotness? im down with that

  2. #12

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    Quote Originally Posted by Alex
    I know i did that in the first paragraph. Im terrible with tense, i went back and checked it over but i imagine there is still a few lurking in there.
    I'd be glad to actually proofread the whole thing if you wanted (no offense -- it's excellent, but everyone makes typos). :)

  3. #13
    alex's Avatar
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    already submitted, itll have to do

  4. #14

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    That was really good! I liked it!

    I don't want to tell you how to suck eggs, but you can also streamline your writing by cutting back unnecessary words. For example: "He winces slightly and drops his arm before raising his other arm." doesn't require "slightly" because a wince is a wince. (A slight wince is a grimace, one could argue). Also, a comma in place of the "and" then adjusting the words turns the sentence from this:

    "He winces slightly and drops his arm before raising his other arm."

    into this:

    "He winces, dropping one arm before raising the other."

    This gives sentence structure some flair and gives the reader some creative work to do to make the story personal.

    Just a few thoughts, nothing major...but kudos on the writing!
    ~Nick

  5. #15
    ARGUMENTUM AD LATINUM DICTIONAIRUM Bullshido Newbie
    Doctor X's Avatar
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    Hell yeah! Hell no!
    Quote Originally Posted by Alex
    a lesbian seal of approval for hotness? im down with that
    Careful! Official Lesbian Seal of Approval [Tm.--Ed.] was also given to Ann Hetch once. . . .

    --J.D.

  6. #16
    The gift that keeps on giving supporting member
    Steve's Avatar
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    So, you do have more than half a brain!! :icon_cool

    Course I was just mucking around in that other thread.

    Your story reminds me of the great anime Hagime No Ippo. Worth checking out if anyone hasn't seen it.

  7. #17
    alex's Avatar
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    Hell yeah! Hell no!
    funnily enough, i just watched the last episode of hajime today. still trying to master the dempsey roll >_<

  8. #18
    Torakaka's Avatar
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    Hell yeah! Hell no!
    imo, you're being a bit overly descriptive which is what makes it come off kind of... well, like a porn story. It's good though, makes me think back on the bad old days of being a bumbling noob.
    Ranked #9 internationally at 118lbs by WIKBA http://www.womenkickboxing.com/wikba...rch%202009.htm

  9. #19
    alex's Avatar
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    Hell yeah! Hell no!
    so you're saying its the equivalent of a porno script? thought i had a little more imagination than that (although i did see this one clip with a coke bottle and a firehose...)

  10. #20
    Torakaka's Avatar
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    Hell yeah! Hell no!
    No, that's not what I'm saying. I guess not too many guys have ever read a porn story lol. The way you get into very specific, almost intimate detail makes it just the sort of writing style you'd get from a porn story.
    Ranked #9 internationally at 118lbs by WIKBA http://www.womenkickboxing.com/wikba...rch%202009.htm

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