222239 Bullies, 3816 online  
  • Register
Our Sponsors:

Results 11 to 20 of 23
Page 2 of 3 FirstFirst 12 3 LastLast
Sponsored Links Spacer Image
  1. alex is offline
    alex's Avatar

    STOP POSTING!

    Join Date
    Oct 2003
    Location
    New Zealand
    Posts
    8,185

    Posted On:
    8/28/2006 3:53pm

    supporting member
     Style: Muay Thai

    --
    Hell yeah! Hell no!
    a lesbian seal of approval for hotness? im down with that
  2. CrapKnee is offline

    Registered Member

    Join Date
    Aug 2006
    Posts
    128

    Posted On:
    8/28/2006 4:05pm


     Style: n00b.

    --
    Hell yeah! Hell no!
    Quote Originally Posted by Alex
    I know i did that in the first paragraph. Im terrible with tense, i went back and checked it over but i imagine there is still a few lurking in there.
    I'd be glad to actually proofread the whole thing if you wanted (no offense -- it's excellent, but everyone makes typos). :)
  3. alex is offline
    alex's Avatar

    STOP POSTING!

    Join Date
    Oct 2003
    Location
    New Zealand
    Posts
    8,185

    Posted On:
    8/28/2006 6:31pm

    supporting member
     Style: Muay Thai

    --
    Hell yeah! Hell no!
    already submitted, itll have to do
  4. Rubber Tanto is offline

    Registered Member

    Join Date
    Feb 2006
    Location
    Melbourne, Australia
    Posts
    907

    Posted On:
    8/28/2006 7:32pm


     Style: Bujutsu / Muay Thai / MMA

    --
    Hell yeah! Hell no!
    That was really good! I liked it!

    I don't want to tell you how to suck eggs, but you can also streamline your writing by cutting back unnecessary words. For example: "He winces slightly and drops his arm before raising his other arm." doesn't require "slightly" because a wince is a wince. (A slight wince is a grimace, one could argue). Also, a comma in place of the "and" then adjusting the words turns the sentence from this:

    "He winces slightly and drops his arm before raising his other arm."

    into this:

    "He winces, dropping one arm before raising the other."

    This gives sentence structure some flair and gives the reader some creative work to do to make the story personal.

    Just a few thoughts, nothing major...but kudos on the writing!
    ~Nick
  5. Doctor X is offline
    Doctor X's Avatar

    ARGUMENTUM AD LATINUM DICTIONAIRUM

    Join Date
    Feb 2006
    Posts
    4,383

    Posted On:
    8/28/2006 8:48pm

    Bullshido Newbie
     Style: Argumenta ad Rem

    --
    Hell yeah! Hell no!
    Quote Originally Posted by Alex
    a lesbian seal of approval for hotness? im down with that
    Careful! Official Lesbian Seal of Approval [Tm.--Ed.] was also given to Ann Hetch once. . . .

    --J.D.
  6. Steve is offline
    Steve's Avatar

    The gift that keeps on giving

    Join Date
    May 2004
    Location
    Seattle, WA
    Posts
    4,205

    Posted On:
    8/28/2006 10:14pm

    supporting member
     Style: On hiatus

    --
    Hell yeah! Hell no!
    So, you do have more than half a brain!! :icon_cool

    Course I was just mucking around in that other thread.

    Your story reminds me of the great anime Hagime No Ippo. Worth checking out if anyone hasn't seen it.
  7. alex is offline
    alex's Avatar

    STOP POSTING!

    Join Date
    Oct 2003
    Location
    New Zealand
    Posts
    8,185

    Posted On:
    8/29/2006 12:05am

    supporting member
     Style: Muay Thai

    --
    Hell yeah! Hell no!
    funnily enough, i just watched the last episode of hajime today. still trying to master the dempsey roll >_<
  8. Torakaka is offline
    Torakaka's Avatar

    Do you eat breakfast?

    Join Date
    Aug 2005
    Location
    Kaka village
    Posts
    10,658

    Posted On:
    8/29/2006 12:10am

    supporting member
     Style: Kitty Pow Pow!!!

    --
    Hell yeah! Hell no!
    imo, you're being a bit overly descriptive which is what makes it come off kind of... well, like a porn story. It's good though, makes me think back on the bad old days of being a bumbling noob.
    Ranked #9 internationally at 118lbs by WIKBA http://www.womenkickboxing.com/wikba...rch%202009.htm
  9. alex is offline
    alex's Avatar

    STOP POSTING!

    Join Date
    Oct 2003
    Location
    New Zealand
    Posts
    8,185

    Posted On:
    8/29/2006 12:21am

    supporting member
     Style: Muay Thai

    --
    Hell yeah! Hell no!
    so you're saying its the equivalent of a porno script? thought i had a little more imagination than that (although i did see this one clip with a coke bottle and a firehose...)
  10. Torakaka is offline
    Torakaka's Avatar

    Do you eat breakfast?

    Join Date
    Aug 2005
    Location
    Kaka village
    Posts
    10,658

    Posted On:
    8/29/2006 12:27am

    supporting member
     Style: Kitty Pow Pow!!!

    --
    Hell yeah! Hell no!
    No, that's not what I'm saying. I guess not too many guys have ever read a porn story lol. The way you get into very specific, almost intimate detail makes it just the sort of writing style you'd get from a porn story.
    Ranked #9 internationally at 118lbs by WIKBA http://www.womenkickboxing.com/wikba...rch%202009.htm
Page 2 of 3 FirstFirst 12 3 LastLast

Bookmarks

Posting Permissions

  • You may not post new threads
  • You may not post replies
  • You may not post attachments
  • You may not edit your posts
  •  

Powered by vBulletin™© contact@vbulletin.com vBulletin Solutions, Inc. 2011 All rights reserved.