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  1. colonelpong2 is offline

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    Posted On:
    6/22/2006 2:56pm

    Join us... or die
     Style: Kickboxing

    --
    Hell yeah! Hell no!

    Ninja! We own the night!

    The other night I got bored and my laptop was close at hand. My apologies. This was the inevitable result. It doesnt make sense unless you read thru to the end. Heck, it doesnt even make sense then....

    NINJA! WE OWN THE NIGHT!

    DISCLAIMER: The following is a work of fiction. Any similarity to the delusions of person living or dead is entirely deliberate. By reading this text you undertake an unwritten contractual agreement not to take or be party to any legal action in relation to said text without the express written permission of the author. And you wont get it. Ever.

    As the sun set behind the ridgeline, the last rays danced across the calm bay like the caressing fingertips of a Goddess. The lengthening shadows added a sense of tranquility to the tiny island, even the Shogun's elite guard felt at peace.
    But in the darkness a killer waited. He was swathed in black, only his eyes visible beneath a thick hood. Knives, garrotes, shuriken and other weapons of silent death were concealed in his obi, awaiting the moment when they would taste blood. But the most deadly weapon in his arsenal was his mind, for he was a Ninja. Tonight the shogun would die. The lone assassin was a grandmaster, unwilling to entrust a mission of this difficulty to one of his subordinates.
    He crouched on a tree branch, immobile, barely breathing. When the sounds of the night birds and crickets dominated the darkness, he slid to the ground.
    His keen senses scanned the night.
    Moving with the fluidity of mist on a gentle breeze he moved through the under growth towards the fortess. Fires in the watch towers and the sound of armoured men marching on the high battlements told him that the fifty elite samurai were on full alert. It wouldn't save their master.
    He crept closer and then froze. A faint disruption in his chi told him that danger was near. Three samurai moved through the woods towards him. They wore simple kimonos, having discarded their battle armour for the sake of stealth. Two carried Naganata and the other a drawn sword.
    They had not seen him, but would pass within three paces of his position, he judged.
    Relaxing, he sank even lower. Years of dedicated training allowed him to slow his heart to the point that it almost stopped.
    As the three men passed the waiting Ninja, he sprang into action. Seizing one samurai by the throat, he lifted him off the ground with one hand and snapped his neck.
    Tossing the lifeless body aside, he formed his left hand into a palm heel and thrust it forward. The movement chanelled his chi into a ball of invisible death: The Dimak, or death touch.
    At once the second samurai's eyes rolled up and he died instantly, his chi flow disrupted.
    The third foe did not even have time to blink before the Ninja was upon him. He gripped the hapless guard's bicep between thumb and forefinger whilst pressing his big toe against a pressure point on his victims thigh. His heart exploded at once and his head fell off.
    Knowing that it would not be long before the guards were missed, the Ninja raced towards the great stone walls. They stood thirty feet high. In four hundred years the mighty fortress had withstood armies, fire and seige. Never once had any enemy set foot within. But never before had the enemy been a Ninjitsu grand master.
    He leapt at the wall, sprinting straight up, his toes somehow finding purchase on the sheer rock face.
    As he reached the top he launched over the battlements in a double flip, landing astride the shoulders of a samurai archer. One twitch of his thighs and the guard lay dead, his neck hanging at an unnatural angle.
    Taking a rope and grappling hook, the silent warrior sighted on the central keep and tossed with all his might. After discarding his now soiled gauntlets, he threw the grapple across the distance.
    It lodged in an arrow slit above a narrow window. He tested the rope and jumped into the void.
    The wall of the central keep came rushing towards him. He locked his legs and launched, leaving the rope behind and flying like a spear through the gap. S massage oil.... I have free samples" Debbie said as she sidled towards the bed.
    "HOLY ****!" cried the Ninja.
    The three girls turned towards the door in suprise.
    Seeing that he had been compromised, the Ninja burst in the door. He flung a handful of shuriken, slaying all three girls.
    The shogun bumbled awake. He would not live long enough to regret missing the once in a lifetime erotic spectacle as the Ninja thrust his sword deep into his throat.
    As he withdrew the blade, he heard a challenging shout behind him. Turning, he saw an old samurai. The man's skin was wrinkled but his muscles were taught and hard like iron cables.
    His sword was sheathed but the Ninja knew this left the man at no disadvantage. The very posture and bearing showed that his was an old warrior who had outfought and outwitted a lifetime of deadly enemies. Whats more is the mans eyes told him this. They were cold and hard like tempered steele.
    The Ninja strode into the middle of the room, raising his sword into a high guard position. He lunged.
    The samurai side stepped, moving like water, drawing in the same motion. He cut five times in less than a second, every blow parried by the Ninja.
    The two combatants seperated for a moment and then smashed together in a flurry of sparks and steel.
    A well timed cut nicked the Ninja's forhead, opening a wide gash. Pressing his advantage, the old samurai pushed forward. To him this was but one of a hundred duels. The fact that he would have to commit seppuku after slaying the Ninja was an irrelevance. Such was the natural requirement of a warrior who had failed to protect his lord. A better fate than becoming ronin.
    All that mattered was the here and now. As a warrior, subject to the code of Bushido, this moment was his all.
    The Ninja kicked out but the samurai side stepped, bringing the hilt of his sword down hard on his opponents thigh. Losing his balance, the Ninja fell.
    As the samurai blade hacked down, he rolled. The swords met again as the Ninja fought his way back onto his feet.
    Another frantic attack and their blades locked. The two warriors' eyes met, boring into one another. Will against will. Courage against courage. Warriorship against warriorship.
    The Ninja slipped aside, redirecting his enemy's blade. Dropping his sword, he extended his index finger and jammed it into the old soldier's throat.
    The samurai gasped once and died on his feet. He had forgotten the old adage "For the Ninja, every arm is a spear, every hand a sword and every finger a dagger".
    But the great Ninja master had no time to savour his honourable victory as a voice barked out "RADFORD!".
    He looked up.
    Mrs Perrigrew fixed him with an angry glare across the desk. Then she turned to his mother "Missus Davis. This is part of the problem. He can't even stay awake for a meeting with the principal!".
    The Ninja's mother looked down in shame "But surely falling asleep occasionally isn't a capital crime....".
    The principal shook her head sadly "Look. He is thirty-four years old and still in the seventh grade! Not only do we have his lack of attention to deal with, but there are other behavioural issues as well. He steals panties from the neighbours washing line and sniffs them at school! He tried his 'death touch' on little Tommy with a hockey stick in PE! And strangest of all, he signs all of his work 'Ashida Kim'! This boy lives in a fantasy world. Its time he was committed to an.... institution".
    "But Mummy (note the non Americanised spelling)!" wept the pupil "I so want to be a great Ninja master!".
    "There there Radford" she said, petting his head "But you took one class of Tai Chi and said it was too physically intense....."
    He looked up with pleading, puppy dog eyes "But you dont have to do any physical training to master ninjitsu.... you just have to tell everyone that you did.....".
  2. Plasma is offline
    Plasma's Avatar

    Heel Hook Hunter

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    Posted On:
    6/22/2006 3:09pm

    supporting memberforum leaderstaff
     Style: Jiu Jitsu | Knife

    --
    Hell yeah! Hell no!
    you followed me? Damn.
  3. Mr. Jones is offline
    Mr. Jones's Avatar

    resident sick ****

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    Dallas
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    Posted On:
    6/22/2006 3:21pm

    Join us... or die
     Style: Being a total psychopath

    --
    Hell yeah! Hell no!
    "Seeing that he had been compromised, the Ninja burst in the door. He flung a handful of shuriken, slaying all three girls."
    BWAHAHAAHAHAH!
  4. Backdraft is offline

    Senior Member

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    Posted On:
    6/22/2006 4:14pm


     Style: Shootfighting

    --
    Hell yeah! Hell no!
    That was kind of funny indeed. I liked the big toe in death point bit.
  5. colonelpong2 is offline

    Senior Member

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    Posted On:
    6/22/2006 5:24pm

    Join us... or die
     Style: Kickboxing

    --
    Hell yeah! Hell no!
    Oh crap. I jsut reread it.... when i pasted it a bigf chunk got cut out of the middle.... I'll edit it back in after work today. Damn....
    with the missing bit the reference tio the three girls with the massage oil makes no sense
  6. colonelpong2 is offline

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    Posted On:
    6/22/2006 7:34pm

    Join us... or die
     Style: Kickboxing

    --
    Hell yeah! Hell no!

    CORRECTION

    Sorry all, here is the missing chunk. Somehow the middle section was ommitted when I pasted across, this is also the MOST IMPORTANT part of the story and wit will all make a lot more sense when inserted.

    The wall of the central keep came rushing towards him. He locked his legs and launched, leaving the rope behind and flying like a spear through the gap. Swiftly, he took in the area ahead of him. The window led into a broad hall with a gilt trimmed door at the far end. Two uniformed warriors stood guard outside the door, suspiciously eyeing an approaching servant. The shogun's chamber was within reach.
    As he hit the hardwood floor, he rolled and leapt on the sleepy servant, cutting his throat as he rubbed his eyes.
    The man had been carrying a tray with a sake bottle on it when he died. Wishing to avoid raising the alarm, the ninja caught the falling tray with one foot whilst hurling a brace of throwing knives straight into the eyeballs of the startled guards.
    Setting the tray down lightly, he cartwheeled across the floor and caught the two falling guards, laying the bodies silently down.
    The shogun had installed a peep hole in the door to allow him to check the identity of any one seeking audience. Now it was to prove itself a double edged sword.
    The Ninja pressed his eye against the tiny gap and peered inside.
    "Blimey!" he whispered to himself as he took in the sight. The shogun was snoring in a chair, passed out with sake. But on the bed were two gorgeous maidens clad in the finest oriental silks.
    They knelt across from one another, giggling cheekily.
    "Yuki..... I'm so glad the college student job aid program found us this gig...." one girl chuckled "Otherwise I would never have met you!".
    The other girl let her dark hair down, shaking it out "Yes Mitzaku.... it must have been fate! I see our friendship blossoming so and I think its time we.... er..... experimented....".
    Yuki sank a little lower, her big brown eyes puppyish in their seeming innocence.
    She offered no resistance as Mitzaku seized her friends obi and unwound it... slowly. The kimono fell aside, revealing a pair of light pink silk shorts and matching singlet-like top.
    She shuddered as Mitzaku's lips probed her neck, making their way up to her cheek and then finally engaging her own lips. They kissed hard, their tongues duelling until Mitzaku's dominated.
    Her eyes alive with passion, she rolled her girl over onto her back and mounted her. As she pressed her weight down, Yuki reached her arms back, locking her hands tightly around the bed posts.
    Both girls were sweating now as Mitzaku kissed Yuki's pulsing throat. She made her way down slowly.... over her breasts, her flat smooth stomach and down to her shorts.
    Just then another figure in a white shirt and short skirt entered the room through a side door.
    "Hi!" she said. The two empassioned girls looked up.
    "Who are you?" asked Yuki.
    The newcomer responded "I'm Debbie, the shoguns niece. I'm on my university summer holidays and I've landed a part time job. Sorry about my appearance....all of my clothes were in my baggage and they put them on the wrong flight... um.... I mean the wrong sampan. All I could find here was my old school uniform... I know its far to small, dont you think?".
    She twirled elegantly.
    "W..what is your job?" asked Yuki, trying to make conversation as she ran her hands through her girls' silky hair.
    "I'm selling massage oil.... I have free samples" Debbie said as she sidled towards the bed.
    "HOLY ****!" cried the Ninja.
  7. Backdraft is offline

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    Posted On:
    6/23/2006 9:39am


     Style: Shootfighting

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    Hell yeah! Hell no!
    Does make more sense now.:-D
  8. colonelpong2 is offline

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    Posted On:
    6/23/2006 10:41pm

    Join us... or die
     Style: Kickboxing

    --
    Hell yeah! Hell no!
    Ok, ive stuck this story on Ashida kims message board..


    http://p206.ezboard.com/fashidakimme...icID=801.topic

    just to see what happens. Will they read it and miss the fact its obviousy a piss take about AK? Or will they delete it and ban my osrry ass? Only time will tell.
  9. MEGA JESUS-SAMA is offline
    MEGA JESUS-SAMA's Avatar

    **** you math class

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    Posted On:
    6/23/2006 10:53pm

    supporting member
     Style: TKD, Ballet, Archery

    --
    Hell yeah! Hell no!
  10. colonelpong2 is offline

    Senior Member

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    Posted On:
    6/23/2006 10:55pm

    Join us... or die
     Style: Kickboxing

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    Hell yeah! Hell no!
    Quote Originally Posted by MEGA JESUS-SAN
    fanfiction is gay
    Fanfiction! I am no fan of AK....
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