A Draft Manifesto for the Movement Against Silliness in Martial Arts
There is too much stupidity in martial Arts today, something must be done about. If, nay, when, we achieve power, we must institute the following rules ASAP:
1. Silly uniforms. People wearing silk pajamas, Hakama, non-functional gis or any other form of silly clothing whilst doing what is essentially a sport activity will be shot on site.
2. Kempo Barnet rule. All instructors of Kenpo, Kempo, American Kempo, Shaolin Kempo, Lima Lama, Kajukenbo and all other Kempo derived arts must wear a 1980s style mullet or similar comedy cut. Dillman comb-overs are also acceptable. This will reduce the risk of the general populace taking anything a Kempo instructor says too seriously.
3. Aliveness to be taught in all schools. The old religions, many dating back before the time of the prophet Kano, still predominate. This is unacceptable and must stop at once. Shaolin-creationism must not be taught, and the Flat Earth and All Styles Are Equal myths must be done away with. Heretics will be burnt.
4. Wing Chun to be banned. However it’s spelt, it is still just too silly. After years of asking the age old question “what is it supposed to actually do?” it has become painfully obvious that whatever it is, it isn’t very important anyway else someone would have found it by now. It’s therefore superfluous and only serves as a soapbox for deluded geeks who think wearing black tracksuit pants makes them look harder.
5. RBSD gone. Reality based Self-Defence is an unnecessary and increasingly misused term. Instead it shall now be known as either “self-defence” for anything that actually works and “bollocks for everything else. Misrepresenting the latter for the former will be punishable by being made to try to use your bollocks moves for real.
6. LARPer tolerance. Contrary to popular perception, we are tolerant on Martial LARPing. If you accept that you are role-playing at being a martial artist, then we are happy to accept the same. But if you continue to live in the delusion that LARPing is for real, we will be forced to throw tennis balls at you whilst shouting “lighting bolt!”.
7. Tax on kiddy black belts. The parents and instructors of all black belts under the age of 16 will be taxed $300 for every year under the 16y.o. threshold for which the kid has the grade. A special rate of $400 per sub-16 year will apply to Tae Kwon Do.
I’m sure there’s more things that will need to change.