Posted On:5/21/2006 7:27am
Sit down and take a deep breath. Get some tissues, because this story will cause you to jizz with enough force to break open the Colorado Dam.
While the experience is still fresh, before criticism and the chattering monkey mind distort it, while I still ride the adrenaline high and feel as if I could bite the kneecaps off an army of draculas, I will recount to you the am.
Background: I am 150#, nearsighted, bookish, anemic, etc.
This morning, I was involved in a boring arguement with my neighbor concerning the disposition of a number of obnoxious drum and bass songs (that is, right next to my head and loud). In retrospect these were the drumz (and bazz) that called the warriors to battle for the final time. I am standing in my doorway, arguing with my neighbor. He is two hundred something pounds, tatted, bald, etc. In other words, if there's an advertisement in the back of black belt which contains the words "CAN YOUR MARTIAL ART PREPARE YOU FOR A RAPECHOKE BY THIS GUY?", his picture immediately follows.
We are on a narrow wooden walkway at the top of a flight of stairs.
Using my pointing at something else entire as a pretext, he throws the SUCKER PUNCH (sucker punch is tm Tony Blauer, all rights reserved, etc.).
It knocks my glasses to the ground, where I would later learn a lens was knocked out of it's mounting. I have theorized that the Virgin Mary herself descended from heaven at that moment and erected a shield of Pure Qi to protect my face. Whatever it was, I BARELY FELT IT.
I am 100% serious. It felt like a light slap at most. Maybe his meat arms hit me with enough force to send my genius locii so far towards the back of my head that it rebounded off my skull. Whatever happened, my immediate thought was "I've taken harder shots in training".
As he loads for a second shot, I order my dog inside (good boy), advance and SHOOT THE DOUBLE. What follows shatters so many preconceptions, our paradigms will never be the same again.
He sprawls and puts on a crappy guillotine. I continue driving, trying to pick up the leg, briefly succeeding but having to apply some fancy footwork to avoid a glass and concrete sculpture.
A few seconds I struggle still under his sprawl before picking the leg up, and completely unintentionally, driving him straight the **** into his window, his back shattering it. I believe the bug screen protected him, but nevertheless, I change direction as his door opens, driving him inside through the doorway. At this point i've pushed him a good fifteen feet and I see his girlfriend coming from behind me, talking the kind of moronic, adrenaline drenched patois you find yourself speaking during a fight.
Knowing that his girlfriend will hit me from behind with something if I don't let go and that if I keep driving into the house, his roommates may jump me, I push him back so he (I think) stumbles into the kitchen.
We exchange words about the shattered window, and the bald man returns with what I believe was a wooden halloween skull-on-a-stake or possibly a tiki sculpture.
He strikes a downward blow over my head shattering the ornament (?). This hurts more than his punch, yet still less than the average blow in training.
Insane with adrenaline and my own, spontaneously generated Qi shield, I continue to advance, telling him what a bad fighter and overall human being in my best sneering, nasal monotone. He BACKS OFF AND HEADS INSIDE, where the door is closed in my face.
And that's it, and the olnly mark I have from the experience is a lump on the head from the wooden thing. I SHOULD be out cold right now, yet I feel no pain.
Now class, examine the shattered either/or dichotomy in view of the author's cyberqueer narrative.
In other words, the following things proved to be entirely false:
1:On the street, the sucker punch is king.
2: On the street, weapons are king
3: On the street, your attacker will not know how to grapple, so go ahead and keep practicing your drunken haymaker defenses
4: The act of grappling makes you incapable of even conceiving of being attacked by another person.
5: On the street, don't shoot a traditional double, you'll shatter your kneecaps.
6: Don't copy that floppy.
The following proved unexpectedly true:
1: Clinch based takedowns need work. That entire buisiness with the fifteen feet of driving was unnecesary and could have been avoided
2: Sport grappling will save your ass.
3: Shooting a takedown immediately nullifies all striking and should be done at every opportunity.
4: Aliveness consists of timing, energy and motion.
"The only important elements in any society
are the artistic and the criminal,
because they alone, by questioning the society's values,
can force it to change."-Samuel R. Delany
RENDERING GELATINOUS WINDMILL OF DICKS
THIS IS GOING TO BE THE BEST NON-EUCLIDIAN SPLATTERJOUST EVER
It seems that the only people who support anarchy are faggots, who want their pathetic immoral lifestyle accepted by the mainstream society. It wont be so they try to create their own.-Oldman34, friend to all children
Posted On:5/21/2006 7:56am
that was entertaining.
The Bottom Brick
Posted On:5/21/2006 8:11am
Style: BJJ, Ju-Jitsu
Well done. I particularily like your lessons learned section.
Now move to another location as you are now going to have to watch for this guy around every corner.
"Sifu, I"m niether - I'm a fire dragon so don't **** with me!"
Posted On:5/21/2006 8:20am
You did use some BJJ but that whole Qi thing was straight up Yellow Bamboo - no doubt
Posted On:5/21/2006 8:21am
You seem to have to have to have forgotten the main lesson learned here, hedgehogey- either that or your extremist worship upon the altar of science means you just can't admit to it.
Qi does exist, and is useful in self-defence.
Well done on scaring the **** of your neighbour.
As a drum and bass addict, i have to say we are not all violent former jungle addicts like this particular idiot.
Some of us realise the place to listen to loud drum and bass is in a club.
That's where the women are for a start.
He who attains his ideal by that very fact transcends it- Nietzsche
I like my Te like I like my tea- from Fujian province and without any bullshit in it. Oh, and green. And scented with jasmine blossoms...
Originally Posted by A Better American Than You
In every country and every age, the priest has been hostile to liberty. He is always in alliance with the despot.
My guns bigger than Scrapper's!
Posted On:5/21/2006 8:31am
So let me get this straight. You're saying that since you were used to getting hit harder in training but other trained fighters it didn't bother you when hit with lesser force? You engaged a man at least 50lbs heaveir in a grappling sitation and took control, as from other posts you do in training as well? You controled the situation evne while grappling to avoid being attacked bu others?
I just can't believe it. You do BJJ and its only good for SPORT you don't know how to fight in d@ sTr33t.
What really happened is you got KOed by the sucker punch and dreamed the rest. Thats way you won't upset the balance of the universe. No Mythbusting for you!
Xiao Ao Jiang Hu Zhi Dong Fang Bu Bai (Laughing Proud Warrior Invincible Asia) Dark Emperor of Baji!!!
Didn't anyone ever tell him a fat man could never be a ninja
You can't practice Judo just to win a Judo Match! You practice so that no matter what happens, you can win using Judo!
The key to fighting two men at once is to be much tougher than both of them.
Posted On:5/21/2006 8:44am
Style: Brazilian Jiu Jitsu
So There was no Lava? What that cause you were in his driveway not on teh St33t?
Glad your ok. Alive Training wins again.
BJJ wins again!
Posted On:5/21/2006 9:55am
No, but did you notice the broken glass? And the multiple opponents? If the BJJ guy hadn't been too cowardly to go into the neighbor's room, this wouldn't have turned out so well.
He's just lucky he was on a walkway and therefore elevated far enough above t3h 5tr337 to survive the encounter.
(I used to be a huge bald guy who didn't know how to fight, so I feel for his neighbor. Now I'm a huge balding guy who doesn't know how to fight, which is not a lot better but requires less shaving.)
Posted On:5/21/2006 9:56am
very good, nice read, it also proves a couple of other things....
1. Aliveness in training keeps you from spazzing when the unexpected happens;
2. Not specifically training for th3 str33t has no effect on your ability to recoignize the dangerousness of being outnumbered in a conflict, i.e., training to do your typical juji gatame (back to ground) does not result in a grappler doing such a stupid move on th3 str33t.
why didn't you have your dog attack him, mine would have gone ape **** if someone sucker punched me like that?
Posted On:5/21/2006 9:57am
Style: Shutting up and training
That was cool. However, you should count yourself lucky that baldy didn't minutely shift his internal spinal structure and throw YOU through the window. Watch out for that next time.
Articles and Reviews
Tools and Info