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The Compleat Guide to __ng __un Philosophy
I wrote this a couple of years ago and came across it again today. I thought some here might find it amusing.
"Philosophy is a walk on the slippery rocks." -- Edie Brickell
This is by no means an exhaustive list--here are some more of the classic Ving Tsun philosophical techniques:
- Aristotelian technique: a technique performed using attacks learned solely from theoretical speculation untainted by any experiential data by one who feels that the latter is irrelevant anyway.
- Hegelian technique: dialiptical technique in which the attack incorporates its own antithiattack, forming a syntheattack.
- Wittgensteinian technique: the important thing about this type of technique is that it refers only to the symbol (our internal mental representation we associate with the experience of the technique--which must necessarily also be differentiated from the attack itself for obvious reasons and which need not be by any means the same or even similar for the different people experiencing the attack) rather than the attack itself and, as such, one must be careful not to make unwarranted generalizations about the attack itself or the experience thereof based merely on our manipulation of the symbology therefor.
- Godelian technique: a technique that takes an extraordinarily long time, yet leaves you unable to decide whether you've been attacked or not.
- Platonic technique: attacks between friends who don't really want to hurt each other, but have been itching to have a go ever since something happened to one of them in their past which the other never atoned for.
- Socratic technique: really a Platonic technique, but it's claimed to be the Socratic technique so it'll sound more authoritative; however, compared to most strictly Platonic techniques, Socratic techniques wander around a lot more and need larger openings.
- Kantian technique: a technique that, eschewing inferior "phenomenal" contact, is performed entirely on the superior "noumenal" plane; though you don't actually feel it at all, you are, nonetheless, free to declare it the best attack you've ever executed or received.
- Kafkaesque technique: a technique that starts out feeling like it's about to knock your block off you but ends up just bugging you.
- Sartrean technique: a technique that you worry yourself to death about even though it really doesn't matter anyway.
- Russell-Whiteheadian technique: a formal technique in which foot and hand position and movement is rigorously and completely defined, even though it ends up seeming incomplete somehow.
- Hertzsprung-Russellian technique: Oh, Be A Fine Girl/Guy, Hit Me.
- Pythagorean technique: a technique executed by someone who has developed some new and wonderful techniques but refuses to use them on anyone for fear that others would find out about them and copy them.
- Cartesian technique: a particularly well-planned and coordinated attack. "I think, therefore, I aim." In general, a technique does not count as Cartesian unless it is applied with enough force to remove all doubt that one has been attacked. (cf. Polar technique, a more well-rounded movement involving greater fist-to-nose contact, but colder overall.)
- Heisenbergian technique: a hard-to-define technique--the more it unbalances you, the less sure you are of where the attack was; the more energy it has, the more trouble you have figuring out how far it bridged. Extreme versions of this type of technique are known as "virtual techniques" because the level of uncertainty is so high that you're not quite sure if you were attacked or not. Virtual techniques have the advantage, however, that you need not have anyone else in the room with you to execute them.
- Nietzscheian technique: "she/he who does not attack you, makes your technique stronger."
- Epimenidian technique: a technique executed by someone who does not attack.
- Grouchoic technique: a technique executed by someone who will only attack those who would not attack him or her.
- Harpoic technique: shut up and hit me.
- Zenoian technique: your bridge approaches, closer and closer, but never actually close the gap.
- Procrustean technique: suffice it to say that it is a technique that, once you've experienced it, you'll never forget it, especially when applied to areas of the anatomy other than the face.