Owned: false BS article published in the Martialist

**Fantasy Warrior** · Posted On: 2/01/2006 9:01pm

Just when you thought The Martialist (Phil Elmore’s online publication) was dead and gone, he publishes the “mega issue” which really means he missed 5 or so issues and chucked them all together. One of the few good things to come out of this literary classic is that it includes my article, written to test whether he verifies the effectiveness and veracity of the self-protection advice he prints.

The homemade anti-knife vest
Starts page 13: http://www.philelmore.com/subscriber...Mega_Issue.pdf
I can quote it in full as I wrote it, so I will:
(Red text added or reworded by Phil Elmore)
We should not kid ourselves that luck is enough to save us from the urban menace that stalks our streets looking for easy victims, unwary citizens, the weak, the law abiding. This menace, the common criminal scum, the vagrant, the bully, is not above knifing you in the back for your wallet! It happened on my block just last month. It is only reasonable that we take precautions.

If you are not already carrying an “equalizer” then you should be if it is legal to do so and you are trained to use it. Whether that’s a sidearm, a blade or a tactical torch, it is a must in today’s dangerous streets. But will it protect you from the criminal that knifes first, asks questions after? No. If a felon is determined to stab you, they don’t show you the blade, they just walk up all subtle and…bam! -straight in the gut or back without warning will be the strike. The only way to protect yourself, as I see it, from this type of attack is to be armored.

Few citizens can afford commercial body amour but against knives, there is simply no need to fork out the heavy sums on Kevlar. You can make your own which will do the job at a fraction of the price. I’ve been wearing home made stab vests working the doors of notorious clubs for the past fifteen years and it’s saved my bacon more than once. I recall one such incident when I was working new-year’s eve –a slave to the mortgage. Trouble flared several times and I had to carry a few lively soles out to the fresh New York air. It was only when I got home and started undressing that I found a snapped off blade embedded in the book about where my left kidney is! I hadn’t even realized someone had stabbed me –and the vest saved me. I’ve also taken to wearing them when I’m in high risk neighborhoods and so far no one has ever discovered my secret. These things work, that I can say with absolute confidence.

The best armor I’ve found is wood or pressboard -or books, to be more precise. Hardback books offer the best protection but are not flexible enough to wear at the flanks, so I only use them on the front and back. The ribs I cover with thick softback novels. You can also use compressed newspaper but novels are probably easier.

You can test the protection offered by books quite simply, take a knife and stab one. In the spirit of discovery I took the sharpest and sturdiest kitchen knife from my wife’s drawer and thrust it determinedly into a book –note how the tip hardly penetrates. And that’s a bigger knife than I’ve ever seen used by criminals, most assassins prefer a smaller easily concealed blade which doesn’t have nearly as much thrusting power as the heavy kitchen knife. Books like this are actually stronger than most types of natural wood because paper doesn’t have a grain so there is no splitting at the point of least resistance.

I’ve made my stab-vests in several designs, always improvised, but the one I’ll share I believe to be the most efficient and wearable. It doesn’t require any sewing and does not ruin the clothing used. It is strictly covert –the fashion police would arrest you if you wore it overtly!

The basic ingredients are two large (8.5 x 11 inch or A4 or bigger hardback books. These should not be too thick; 100 pages is good. You will also need two normal paperback novels, quite thick; about 500 pages. You will need two well fitting T-shirts and four Bungee luggage cords with hooks to put everything together.

The basic armor layout is a hardback book front and rear with the novels on the flanks guarding the ribcage (a favorite target of the assassin!).

Firstly put one of the T-shirts on. Turn the bottom up and place the books into the turn-up. Wrap two of the luggage straps around so that they hold the books in place and tight to the body. This is very important; the vest will not be so effective if it moves about. It should look something like this:

Put the second T-Shirt on over the first and wrap the remaining two luggage straps around. The whole setup should be tight but not restrictive. It really is as simple as that. Remember that the vest is meant to be worn under a jacket. It’s hardly ninja subtle. I’ve never found it overly hot, but I’ve never gone for a road run in one. For normal activities it’s fine and if you have to sprint out of trouble, well who cares if it’s a bit sweaty, there are more pressing issues. Because it’s tight to your body (very important in case of impacts) it feels quite light, in fact you soon forget you’re wearing it. It might be a bit more cumbersome in wrestling but we all know that you don’t want to get involved in wrestling anyway –hit and run!

You are now armored against the blade wielding scum that stalk our sidewalks looking for easy victims, and wander the nation’s dance floors looking for unguarded flanks. I hope that this trick is of some use to someone. Be safe!

(c) 2006 by Kickcatcher

Ok, there you have it, Phil Elmore publishes unverified codswollop.