January 12, 2006, 4:20PM EST
The Chitanic, a large ancient cruise ship bound for San Francisco bay from Hong Kong harbour, has met with disaster several hundred miles away from its destination. Less than twelve hours ago the ship struck what is reported to have been not an iceberg but a large, iced-over garbage barge containing copies of Gene Simco’s The Master Text thought to have been properly disposed of at sea by Brazilian authorities. The collision has torn a huge piece from the side of the ship’s hull and fears are already mounting among Chinese officials that the ship may split in two as it continues to take on water.
Reports from the ship’s crew indicate that Captain Jonathan Krehm was well aware of the approaching barge several miles before the impact, but was fully confident in his ship’s ability to absorb and redirect the force of the collision despite this ability never having been tested through prototyping or computer modelling. “The ship took several decades of construction before it was seaworthy” claims the captain, “and sifu assured us that our continued belief and study of abstract ship construction would confer undefined long-term health benefits to the engines and hull”. Other crew members were seen below decks bailing the water out by hand, feverishly insisting that a ship with such beautiful craftsmanship was worth saving for future generations to enjoy.
Captain Krehm, file photo
The ship is reported to be carrying hundreds of martial artists practising internal styles from several origins; primarily aikido and taijiquan but also members of various xing yi and baiji schools. Several wing chun students are also believed to have stowed themselves away in the baggage area, having been denied legal passage on the ship by even their peers in the Chinese arts. Hopes are high that they have already drowned. Surprisingly, panic has yet to set in amongst any of those on board. In fact the irony of legions of internal martial artists being killed by water, their most clichéd metaphor, has yet to be appreciated by any of them. Passengers have been seen lamenting the doomed state of the ship but are refusing to head for the lifeboats, insisting that the damage to the ship is not permanent and structural but merely the fault of the passengers from all other schools and various institutions.
Top: Passengers of the Chitanic after collision with the barge that has crippled their ship. Bottom: A photo taken below decks.
Bullshido’s Department of Homeland Security has deployed the BNS Rolls Gracie to the site of the ship’s slow, depressing descent into a murky abyss. Straight Blast Gym has also recalled the USS Guard Surfer from Japanese waters and the rescue vessel is expected to join the Bullshido envoy in a matter of hours. However, rescue efforts have met with mixed success. While a select few students have chosen to abandon ship and join the crew members aboard the Brazilian aircraft carrier, the rest have made more peculiar requests than salvation. Reports from the Gracie crew members indicate that passengers have been asking that certain pieces of the rescuer’s lifeboats be used to repair the crippled ship, or that the carrier tow the wrecked cruise liner for all eternity so that the passengers may move freely between the two and not be forced to abandon it entirely. Upon delivery of this news to the senior officers, Captain Aesopian was observed chumming the waters with the dismembered corpses of catch wrestlers in order to encourage the arrival of more sharks and what he claimed was a large, one-eyed Kraken thought to be slumbering on the ocean floor.
Article copyright News Corporation, all rights reserved.
Last edited by Shuma-Gorath; 1/13/2008 5:20pm at .
Please someone reaffirm my faith in humanity and appreciate this.
Dreadnought, you have a lot of freetime on your hands. I do appreciate the result of it, tho.
You crazy BJJ nutriders are funny, and quite often the correct.
This is what happens when I can't train.
Originally Posted by MONGO
Idle minds are ripe for heresy.
Is it possible to give a thread a 10 out of 5?
Truly, you have broken me. Tell me what to do next, for I shall follow, oh wise internet stranger.
Bailing might be easier with one of these.
Xiao Ao Jiang Hu Zhi Dong Fang Bu Bai (Laughing Proud Warrior Invincible Asia) Dark Emperor of Baji!!!
Didn't anyone ever tell him a fat man could never be a ninja
You can't practice Judo just to win a Judo Match! You practice so that no matter what happens, you can win using Judo!
The key to fighting two men at once is to be much tougher than both of them.
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