The Search for Real Wing Chun

**Shuma-Gorath** · Posted On: 1/11/2006 9:29pm

Over the years many people have attempted to define and demonstrate the "real" wing chun, only to meet with utter disaster intellectually, physically or most often both. However, these failures are largely individual. What everyone has failed to discuss has been the massive effort undertaken by the Chinese government to discover the real ving tsun through a number of highly scientific means. By scientific, I mean more sophisticated than simply insisting that real wing tsun does in fact exist somewhere and that anyone questioning such an indisputable fact is just an ignorant nutrider. Whatever that means.

Recently, Bullshido's Department of Homeland Security was given an inside look at the multi-faceted government program all across China and in various chinatowns. The locations of the various labs remain classified but we have brought you this report; the first of its kind anywhere and a breakthrough in the search for real ving chun.

Each of the labs competing to find the elusive wing tchun represents a different lineage of the art. Like the Lawrence Livermore / Los Alamos rivalry of the early atomic age, there is fierce competition for government dollars and bragging rights. Truly, the first facility to reproduce the real wing chun on video or really anywhere at all would put all other labs to shame and be able to lord this achievement over them in lineage wars held all over the internet and even Boztepe-style sneak attacks. The search has primarily been undertaken through four main methods, detailed below.

Chi collisions

So far, the method that has produced the most significant results has been near-lightspeed collisions of ordinary (non-real) wingy chingy students with various other things believed to contain trace elements of the real ving stun. Since these objects are much heavier than the charged particles used in a normal accelerator and cannot be accelerated through conventional magnetic fields, the levitation is powered by increasingly larger and larger sources of chi.

In order to obtain such large amounts of chi, special chambers housing legions of monks have been constructed in many labs. The monks are given identical zen koans to meditate on and immersed in dit da jow to allow the greater transmission of chi (which is like bioelectricity). Above the large pool of dit da jow the air is thinner than normal atmospheric pressure to simulate the mountain air of the shaolin temple, but richer in oxygen than ordinary air (since chi is breathing energy). The monks float in the dit da jow and enter a state of deep sensory deprivation so they can be more in tune with their minds and bodies (since chi is muscle control). One of the many variables in the tests is the koan given to the monks for any given run of the accelerator and the exact secret ingredients of the jow, which are known to vary wildly between labs.

Fig. 1: Chi powerplant at New Ho King lab

The chi is drained from the monks's centre of gravity and inner ears (since chi is balance and coordination), then collected to be focused through particularly devoted and sinophilic kung fu dancers. An electrode is inserted into the dancer who then focuses the positive and negative chi into opposite ends of the accelerator, creating pockets of net ying and yan and, through great squinting and holding of breath, a levitation field.

Fig. 2: A reclusive kung fu dancer creating the levitation field. Claims that this process drives the dancer insane have been widely substantiated.

So far, the greatest success of these collisions has been achieved at the New Ho King lab where, according to my waiter, the real wing chun was thought to have been isolated for a brief half-life of 23ms before tearing itself apart with what was thought to be a four-dimensional circle step. When the Department of Homeland Security visited the competing Kom Jug Yuen lab down the street, we witnessed an elderly man being collided with a pair of butterfly knives and it was really cool.

Fantasy Completeness
Taking a queue from computer science, several labs have tried to prove that real ving rhames exists at least in theory. Great strides have been made by scientists at the Swatow lab where a class of imaginary constructs was discovered called Fantasy-Complete. The class of constructs consists of various things such as Santa Claus, the liberal jew media, judo groundwork and Tra Telligman's missing pectoral. Swatow also showed that real whinge chun is also Fantasy-Complete, so if any of the previous objects were proven to exist then finding real wing chun would not only be possible but relatively easy to solve. Good-tasting low-calorie cola was thought to have been this breakthrough, but it was later shown that previous proofs of its Fantasy-Completeness had been flawed.

Fig.3: Finding the real wing cheung is only as difficult as finding the easter bunny

internet posts
As is plainly evident on this forum, the numerous wing chun lineages have been fighting an open battle across the entire internet to write a lengthy, pointless, fallacy-ridden and backpedalling post who's contents are not yet fully known. It is believed by many top researchers that once the optimal balance is struck between the above characteristics and others that the real wing chiu will be made manifest by the collective contempt of all those who read the post. It is currently unknown if videos that are held up as examples and then later recanted affect this balance. The perfect post has not yet been written, but the labs are known to have several hundreds if not thousands of posters working round the clock to devise it through standard Shakespeare Monkey probability.

Frozen Yip Man
The lab that revealed this last research method to us wished to remain anonymous for fear of scientific espionage and even threats of assassination through bad hash. One technician, his brow drenched with sweat and knees shaking as he told us, has claimed that beneath one of the many labs (not necessarily his) the corpse of Yip Man is stored in cryogenic suspension. Attempts to harvest an intact cell nucleus for a chi collision have so far been unsuccessful, but (and the technician stammered as he told us this) the lab in question is working frantically to devise harder and harder mixes of opiates and other street drugs in attempt to revive the corpse. Whether the undead Yip Man will reveal his true successor or simply consume the flesh of the living through an elaborate affiliate scheme (see: GGM Leung Ting) is currently unknown, but makes for entertaining discussion over several pots of cold tea.

We at the Department of Homeland Security hope this has shed some light on the incredible undertaking by these driven men to discover what has so far yet to be seen outside the dreams of terrible internet posters. At the very least, it's equally accurate as any other post on the subject.

Good night, and God Bless America :911flag: