Thread: Article from The Onion
11/14/2005 11:15pm, #1
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Article from The Onion
I'm Very Interested In Hearing Some Half-Baked Theories
By Roberta Foit
November 9, 2005 | Issue 41•45
As an ill-informed pseudo-intellectual with a particular interest in the unverifiable, I'm always on the lookout for some partially thought out misinformation. So, if you have an uninformed solution to a dilemma that doesn't actually exist, don't bother double-checking your information. I'm all ears.
However, I must warn you: If you want to convince me of anything, you better be prepared to back up your claims with rumor, circumstantial evidence, or hard-to-make-out photographic proof. I may also need friend-of-a-friend corroboration or several signed testimonials all written in the same unmistakably spidery handwriting. I'm a quasi-critical-thinker. Things have to add up more or less in my head before I let myself be taken in by some baloney story.
Take Atlantis, for example. When I first heard about this lost civilization, I was suspicious to say the least. But then someone made a good point: Prove that it didn't exist. I was hard-pressed to find a comeback to that.
But if Atlantis really did exist, then where did it go? It couldn't have just disappeared without an unreasonable explanation. I was about to give up on the whole matter when suddenly it hit me: It probably washed away, and it's too deep underwater for scientists to find it. All it takes is a little supposition mixed with critical theorizing and you can easily stumble on a tenuous half-truth that really makes you think.
Over time, I've also learned that slapdash research is key before jumping to any conclusion. While I've always postulated the existence of gnomes, it wasn't until I researched the topic on AskJeeves.com that I realized it's a well-documented medical condition.
As important as research is, it's all about common sense in the end. If you can't cool your apartment by leaving the refrigerator open, how's it keeping all that produce fresh? Think about it. If you can't really read the world's great works of literature in only five minutes using a system peddled on TV, how do you explain that gentleman on the infomercial who aces those tests? Would extraterrestrials travel millions of light years just to abduct a non-trustworthy human for their series of intrusive tests? Yes.
And there's a reason liars like James Randi have never been anally probed.
Now, if you have a half-baked theory that you'd like to disclose, please be so kind as to skirt around the issue. I'll only listen to your elaborate webs of presumption and hearsay if you promise to veer unexpectedly and pointlessly off course at every opportunity. Prose density is part of what makes a half-baked theory fascinating.
Only last week, my friend Janet gave me a book that teaches how, through a diet of salmon and romaine lettuce, you can shave 20 years off your appearance. However, before we got to the hard-core salmon-and-lettuce, face-lifting theory, I was taken through a series of anecdotes, solicited testimonials, and long-winded circular logic proving the author's qualifications by citing the medical establishment's fear of his simple brilliance. It was an eye-opener.
I encourage people endowed with a gift for half-baked theories to inform as many unsuspecting strangers as possible. That's how I'm most interested in being exposed to shaky new ideas. At the bus station, on the street corners, wherever strikes your fancy. If you don't have the courage to approach people in this way, I recommend a stiff drink or a lifetime of crippling mental illness.
Only then will we continue to safeguard the free exchange of erroneous fallacy so vital to maintaining a freethinking, uneducated society. Thank you.
Who else thought of rad ki while reading this?
11/15/2005 12:07am, #2Only last week, my friend Janet gave me a book that teaches how, through a diet of salmon and romaine lettuce, you can shave 20 years off your appearance.
11/15/2005 12:59am, #3
There's a Rinzai Zen koan that asks "show me the face you had before you were born."
I'm not sure, but I think the answer is something like "BuuuUUUUUUUUUUUUUUURRRRRRGH".
11/15/2005 1:17am, #4
Just to let you know that many scholars had made some connections to the Island of Santorini and Atlantis. There was even some possibility that the tsunami caused by the eruption on that island that may have caused it to hit the northern shores of Egypt. At just about the same era that a large group of ex-slaves had begun their trek out of Egypt. And these ex-slaves had used their wild story of how A god had saved them from a cruel Pharaoh.
How have these scholars and archeologist have come-up with these theory's. By studying the evidence left behind in the ruins and the stories that have survived after ...what? 3 millennia's.Passed down thru generation and geration.
Peole make their own conclusions with what they see right in fron of their eye's.Instead of seeing it for what it really is.
Last edited by CanucKyokushin; 11/15/2005 1:19am at .
11/15/2005 1:58am, #5
Once again Olorin, the self-proclaimed historian of Bullshido, will tell step into the breach and tell you all about Atlantis. The “Ancients” were a hyper-advanced alien civilization. They were part of an alliance of four races, the Ancients, Asgard, Nox, and Furlings. They were the original “gate builders.” The evil Wraith destroyed the Ancients but not before some ascended to a higher plain of existence and some traveled back to Earth to establish an advanced outpost that allowed Stargate SG1 to defeat a Goa'uld invasion fleet lead by Anubis. While the Ancients have moved past our ability to contact them, their intergalactic legacy could prove the key to defeating Earth’s new enemies the Wraith and the Ori.
11/15/2005 9:31am, #6
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Olorin's making me want to start watching Stargate now...
11/15/2005 9:36am, #7
Awesome. The best part of it is that they can't leave well enough alone. They KNOW they are wrong, so they go out of their way to try and convince others (yes even strangers), that they are right. This gives them a pleasant, albeit shallow sort of confirmation.
11/15/2005 9:43am, #8
11/15/2005 10:05am, #9Originally Posted by MrMcFuWhat am I?:
I am ignorant, thieving, lying, hypocrital, violent and thoroughly self obssessed. I steal from others to make myself look better, only to make the item or information worse.
I go on and on and ON about how brave and strong and brilliant and wealthy I am, but in the end I'm all mouth and no trousers.
That's right children, I'm your average AMERICUNT! and I exemplify AMERICA!:911flag:
JohnnyCache's "retort" proving how much he knows about medicine and geography and First World countries:
Yes, through persistent lack of work and the cultivation of ignorance, he is a true American.
11/15/2005 10:32am, #10
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Oh, The Onion is very respected in my home.
"Preparing mentally, the most important thing is, if you aren't doing it for the love of it, then don't do it." - Benny Urquidez