Thread for bad jokes and buddhists/taoists/hindus who believe in Intelligent Design

[TheManchu]

A man's car breaks down in the middle of the ouring rain in the middle of nowhere. Walkinng a ways, he comes on a farmer, who tells him he can stay out in the barn.

Out in the barn, he sees a three legged pig. The next morning, he asks how the pig lost its leg. The farmer tells him, "That pig saved my life. I was sleepin one night when the house caught fire. That there pig came up the stairs, grabbed my collar with its teeth, and pulled me out of the house. Then that pig went back in the house and got my wife, my kids, and my gun collection." The man looked at the farmer, astonished. "So the pig lost its leg saving all that stuff?" The farmer looked at him like he was crazy. "No mister. A pig like that, you don't eat all at once."

[TheManchu]

A doctor is making rounds at the psyche ward. He walks in a room, the patient is dressed as Napoleon, has his hand tucked in his shirt, and keeps asking for Josephine. The doctor asks if he thinks he's sane. The man says, "Of course, I am Napoleon!"

The doctor walks in the next room, there's a man with a tiny mustache under his nose giving a screaming speech to an imaginairy audience. The doctor asks if the man thinks he is sane. The man replies, "Of course, I am Adolph Hitler, Chancellor of Germany, future fuhrer of the third reich!"

The doctor walks in a third room. In it is a man, completely naked, standing in the middle of the room with a cashew jammed in the end of his penis. The doctor asks if he is sane, to which the man replies "Are you kidding, I'm fucking nuts!"

[TheManchu]

Why are there no good Jonestown jokes?

The punch line's too long.

[Jekyll]

Taoists can't think about the moment of creation, let alone believe in ID.
It makes there brains melt.

There was existence; there had been no existence. There was no existence before the beginning of that no existence. There was no existence previous to the no existence before there was the beginning of the no existence. If suddenly there was nonexistence, we do not know whether it was really anything existing, or really not existing. Now I have said what I have said, but I do not know whether what I have said be really anything to the point or not.

http://www.ishwar.com/taoism/holy_ch...u/book_02.html
Chuang Tz0WNED!!
There's better translations out there but I can't be arsed to search.

[KnuckleMeister]

In a funny way this sounds like einstein's spacetime theories where time was created in the big bang. There is simply no concept as "before the universe was created", as there was literally time had not been created yet,

[Dr. Sleepless]

I think that the biggest obstacle for people will be is trying to stop thinking of inifinite in terms of time.

[Moleculo]

So you are saying people should stop trying to fathom that which they cannot comprehend?

Well thank you for that stunning advice.

[Darkpaladin]

Taoism: **** happens.
Confucianism: Confucius say, "**** happens."
Buddhism: If **** happens, it isn't really ****.
Zen Buddhism: **** is, and is not.
Zen Buddhism #2: What is the sound of **** happening?
Hinduism: This **** has happened before.
Islam: If **** happens, it is the will of Allah.
Islam #2: If **** happens, kill the person responsible.
Islam #3: If **** happens, blame Israel.
Catholicism: If **** happens, you deserve it.
Protestantism: Let **** happen to someone else.
Presbyterian: This **** was bound to happen.
Episcopalian: It's not so bad if **** happens, as long as you serve the right wine with it.
Methodist: It's not so bad if **** happens, as long as you serve grape juice with it.
Congregationalist: **** that happens to one person is just as good as **** that happens to another.
Unitarian: **** that happens to one person is just as bad as **** that happens to another.
Lutheran: If **** happens, don't talk about it.
Fundamentalism: If **** happens, you will go to hell, unless you are born again. (Amen!)
Fundamentalism #2: If **** happens to a televangelist, it's okay.
Fundamentalism #3: **** must be born again.
Judaism: Why does this **** always happen to us?
Calvinism: **** happens because you don't work.
Seventh Day Adventism: No **** shall happen on Saturday.
Creationism: God made all ****.
Secular Humanism: **** evolves.
Christian Science: When **** happens, don't call a doctor - pray!
Christian Science #2: **** happening is all in your mind.
Unitarianism: Come let us reason together about this ****.
Quakers: Let us not fight over this ****.
Utopianism: This **** does not stink.
Darwinism: This **** was once food.
Capitalism: That's MY ****.
Communism: It's everybody's ****.
Feminism: Men are ****.
Chauvinism: We may be ****, but you can't live without us...
Commercialism: Let's package this ****.
Impressionism: From a distance, **** looks like a garden.
Idolism: Let's bronze this ****.
Existentialism: **** doesn't happen; **** IS.
Existentialism #2: What is ****, anyway?
Stoicism: This **** is good for me.
Hedonism: There is nothing like a good **** happening!
Mormonism: God sent us this ****.
Mormonism #2: This **** is going to happen again.
Wiccan: An it harm none, let **** happen.
Scientology: If **** happens, see "Dianetics", p.157.
Jehovah's Witnesses: >Knock< >Knock< **** happens.
Jehovah's Witnesses #2: May we have a moment of your time to show you some of our ****?
Jehovah's Witnesses #3: **** has been prophesied and is imminent; only the righteous shall survive its happening.
Moonies: Only really happy **** happens.
Hare Krishna: **** happens, rama rama.
Rastafarianism: Let's smoke this ****!
Zoroastrianism: **** happens half on the time.
Church of SubGenius: BoB shits.
Practical: Deal with **** one day at a time.
Agnostic: **** might have happened; then again, maybe not.
Agnostic #2: Did someone ****?
Agnostic #3: What is this ****?
Satanism: SNEPPAH TIHS.
Atheism: What ****?
Atheism #2: I can't believe this ****!
Nihilism: No ****.

[MaverickZ]

DP, you win the thread.

[hapkido_keith]

You forgot Islam #4: if **** happens, take a hostage