Recap on "I'm so depressed."

**shadowcat** · Posted On: 9/13/2005 11:20pm

after a month i have gotten help. things are better than before. but they aren't where they should be and that pisses me off. perhaps i should have more patience, but it is so hard to say that when you feel like this. i have gone to the doctor every week once a week to monitor the meds. and i should have an appointment any time now with the psycologist.

the depression has lifted a LOT. i have gone back on my medication. they also perscribed an anti-anxiety which i take when i feel like those worried, angry, anxious vioces keep screaming at me. (no, it's not schitzo, but if you ever felt anxiety disorder, you know what im talking about).

i have taken it day by day. for 4 days straight now, i have felt good. so good, in fact, that i didn't have to take the clonopen (the one i take when i feel is necessary). but today, for some reason, i have had attacks all day. i thought it was actually gone. but oh, well. i survived another attack. and you know what? im gonna survive the next. a lot of the time when it's happening, i feel like i just want to give up, but after a short while, i feel like i can do it. it's frustrating.

i am frustrated for no reason. i have the flu and don't feel very well. with the way ive been sick, i can't train and the karate here SUCKS major donkey balls. i hate it. he teaches things that are utterly pointless. i learned a long time ago that i should NEVER do the moves he had us doing today. uuugghhhh........im gonna start my own club. a club where we just spar and fight and whatever. and then he'll fail me for going against his club. bah. whatever.

i have found what works for me though. and i tried what everyone suggested. i did yoga, meditaion, i tried the karate, i rode a bike, i tried somethign new, at least two new things a week, and i went out of my room and socialized. you know what worked? me exhausting myself out to the point where i passed out every night. i had to do all those things in the same day, every day and then take one day to rest. and now that im having a day where im getting attacks, it sucks, but it is definately not as bad as before.

so thank you to everyone. im just so tired mentally of trying to beat this thing. i feel like i can't really win. maybe one day. i wish there was a magic cure. oh well.

hope evryone is ok and i REALLY hope anyone affected by hurricane katrina is Ok.

**CanucKyokushin** · Posted On: 9/13/2005 11:40pm

It does eem like the 'and i went out of my room and socialized' is working so I'll i can suggest is continue doing that.Its keeping your mind away from your demons.

I understand that the Karate is your area sucks what again.Donkey balls.Well I got 3 words for that: Another martial art.

Maybe your university offers martial arts there.So see what they are like and tell us which ones you might prefer.If you feel very loyal to your Shotokan, then don't worry about that.You can return to it anytime in the futur.

I know where you are comming from because I've seen my demons as well.So keep doing the things you like.Thats what I try to do.I try to keep busy.One day I'll go swimming.Another day I'll go biking.And then I'll go Karate.

**Running Ronin** · Posted On: 9/14/2005 10:27am

Have faith in yourself, we have a choice in whatever we do.

Set yourself a goal whatever you are planning to do, (eg martial arts) dont worry about the belt color, but perfect it the best way YOU can.~that it matters the most.

Please persevere

**Toby Christensen** · Posted On: 10/03/2005 7:54am

I am at a similar stage meself shadowcat. The whole idea of 'people are bastards and so am I' is a VERY difficult one to shift. My pathology is substantially different given the fact I am MANIC depressive and have other disabilities.

Do NOT listen to your bad impulses. Close your eyes, imagine them as a bunch of lowlife people in a room and eject them. A sort of hypnotic technique, I suppose. I use it myself. Realise that your mind is playing evil tricks on you.

And do NOT quit your medication, or I will personally come over there and egg your house and get all the local bands in Brisbane to play outside your house from 2am till 9.Simultaneously (and yes I know enough musicians in Brisbane to carry out that threat).

And when they're finished, I'll sing Hunters and Collectors songs ad nauseum. And I warn you, I only know two of their songs.

Heed me well, my dear.

**Hannibal** · Posted On: 10/03/2005 9:52pm

Originally Posted by Angry_Spastic

I

I'll sing Hunters and Collectors songs ad nauseum. And I warn you, I only know two of their songs.

Heed me well, my dear.

Hunters and Collectors ?

Angry Spastic....you wouldn't dare......

**baofuhaibo** · Posted On: 10/03/2005 10:32pm

Yes, perservere and all that. Eventually you'll wean yourself off the medication and noone can tell you that you have ADHD. Because only YOU will know. Remember that you have an advantage over those people who can't think at a million miles an hour and withstand the caffeine levels that you can. Because a protein bar and a energy drink is a meal dammit! In fact, it's breakfast. And you'll tell them that. You'll tell them all that. You'll tell them good. And noone can say otherwise, because your mouth will be full of Snicker's Marathon Bar, and it's cold outside. Your not gonna chew through that anytime soon. So gobble down that bar and take another swig of Monster. And realize that your better off then they are. Wicked Clown, West Side, and all that. Brush off your shoulders man.

**BenwaMandelbrot** · Posted On: 10/03/2005 11:36pm

Originally Posted by baofuhaibo

Yes, perservere and all that. Eventually you'll wean yourself off the medication and noone can tell you that you have ADHD. Because only YOU will know. Remember that you have an advantage over those people who can't think at a million miles an hour and withstand the caffeine levels that you can. Because a protein bar and a energy drink is a meal dammit! In fact, it's breakfast. And you'll tell them that. You'll tell them all that. You'll tell them good. And noone can say otherwise, because your mouth will be full of Snicker's Marathon Bar, and it's cold outside. Your not gonna chew through that anytime soon. So gobble down that bar and take another swig of Monster. And realize that your better off then they are. Wicked Clown, West Side, and all that. Brush off your shoulders man.

Sometimes I think you're a hopeless ass-clown who buys Men's Health for the same reason men in the 1950s bought artistic naturist publications.

But othertimes you surprise me and I think that, perhaps, there is the faintest,slimmest, glimmer of a ray of hope for the youth of today.

**baofuhaibo** · Posted On: 10/04/2005 9:32pm

Originally Posted by BenwaMandelbrot

Sometimes I think you're a hopeless ass-clown who buys Men's Health for the same reason men in the 1950s bought artistic naturist publications.

But othertimes you surprise me and I think that, perhaps, there is the faintest,slimmest, glimmer of a ray of hope for the youth of today.

So you like my ramblings?

**shadowcat** · Posted On: 10/05/2005 12:42am

i want to say thank you to everyone for responding and making me laugh, if not smile just a little bit when i am this down. i still can't quite shake it off, and i would say that im trying, but i have found that trying makes it worse, because then i feel like im failing because it's been a month already.

i can't find a dojo. i am eating, though, and that is good. i lost 15 pounds from not eating, but i am back to around 120 lbs and the physical side effects are better. im not throwing up and gagging and i can hold food down. i need to find another way to keep myself busy, but i have been exhausting myself every night in order to not get anxiety attacks as severe. i have class from 9am onward and then don't rest until 10pm. and it has worked, but now i am exhausted.

i have donated blood, gone on random bus rides, attended a couple meetings of clubs, gone dojo hunting and did extra homework to keep up with my classes all in one day. i know it's not healthy to do so much in one day, i am so exhauted, even after 9 hours of sleep, but i don't know what to do. i have decided to stop "trying" and just let it flow and take its course. it sucks, so i need to find something. i guess im just so lonely. i hate not having someone close to me to hug. i really like hugs.......

i miss my b/f more than anything. i really like being able to cuddle with someone and just lie there and do nothing. i really think that makes it so ifficult.

well, anyway, i wil go slep now. im done exhausting myself for the day.
good night.