Storming the Fortress (long)

**Stick** · Posted On: 8/19/2004 11:58pm

I had perhaps the single most entertaining bullshido experience of my life tonight, and I mean that as whole-heartedly as I have ever meant anything in my entire life.

Let me just set the scene for you; I went in early to my MMA class tonight to stretch and try to convince a friend who’s been talking all summer about his wrestling and judo experience to come and work out with us. He rolled with me for a little bit, a nice bought of weight lifting for me considering his 300lbs bulk; he had to leave before class actually started. Regrettably I believe I have failed to secure a new student for the MMA class, but I suppose I won’t know until classes start again in two weeks.

We worked a lot of ground and pound tonight, punching from the guard and working from your back against a standing opponent (think of poor Fred Ettish). Everyone’s abs got a full working over tonight.

So, 7:45 rolls around and coach has to head home to take care of his kids. I showed everyone the print out I made of that somethingaweful.com armbar pic, they loved it and we taped it up on the wall. Just as we were about to leave, in walks a young man roughly my height and very eager to meet all of us.

He introduced himself very articulately and very “respectfully”- that is to say his language was quite formal, but what he had to say, well, I’ll give you a taste:

”Hello sir, my name’s (regrettably I forgot, I’ll post it soon as I get it) and I am shodan in kyokushin karate, I teach in my own school in Talaqua. I noticed you all working in here and I’m very curious as to your style.”

My teacher explained what he teaches (MT, wrestling, boxing, BJJ) and what our classes are like. Our guest then spat out this lovely gem:

”That’s great, at my last black belt test my highest marks were in “down fighting”. Now, how many black belts do you all have in here that I could work with? I’d very much like to train with you guys.”

At this point my bullshidometer spiked hard into the red and I knew this would end in either high comedy or tragedy and that I would be enormously happy with either outcome.

Coach attempted to explain that we do not have a belt system per’ se, but that we had enough students to “bang” with him as much as he’d like. Coach pointed out me and one other guy still hanging around late. Our visitor turned to my team mate and introduced himself again, formally… again. He asked my teammate what style’s he practiced to which we both seemed rather perplexed; the coach had just told him after all. One girl who hadn’t caught the full conversation asked coach what style this stranger represented and coach, rather uncertain, said “I believe he said, uh, shotokan?”

”Oh, no, it’s Kyokushin-kai, although we mostly focus on karate-do, aikido, judo, tae kwon do, and kendo.”

I nearly shat myself- I don’t believe this young man has any idea what it is he practices, and by the end of this post I’m quite certain that most of you will agree.

Coach told him when we held practices and when he could come in and “bang” with us, and he gave him a little more of an idea of what it is exactly we do. At this point our esteemed guest’s line of questioning changed and he seemed slightly less enthused; he informed us that he was more interested in point sparring and that he didn’t practice leg kicks anymore: my meter broke.

My coach turned to me and indicated that I would be heading to the TKD class in just a moment. I, not certain as to whether or not I wanted to be the man to bring this man to our TKD class, simply nodded yes and told him it was just a few doors down. This man’s eyes lit up like a R. Kelly’s at a Girl Scout meeting.

I said my good-byes to my MMA team mates and coach and warily made my way towards the TKD class. However my new bestest friend wasn’t finished talking to coach. Coach mentioned that he likes to have other instructors from other styles come in every once in a while and teach what they feel to be some of their most effective techniques; to which this man said ”that would probably be my back fist to spinning back kick” and then gave us a little demo. Coach just kind of smiled and said that that would be super and he couldn’t wait for him to join us.

So me and Sparky made our way towards TKD finally. At the entrance he looked in and noticed some of the patches on peoples gis and said excitedly ”oh wow, you guys are wild bunch, do you know…”, the only name I caught was that of a man for whom I and my school have little respect for. Drudgingly I opened the door and made my way over to the bench to don my gi and belt when what did my poor, offended ears hear but the sound of one rude young man talking over my head instructor as she was lecturing the assembled and lined up class.

I turned, somewhat in awe, to see that this guy had simply walked through the middle of the lines, straight up to my talking instructor to, again very formally, introduce himself to her. I got to hear much of the same speech- his styles, his belts, his school- and gave some of the other black belts near me the best “I couldn’t stop him” look I could. He asked if he could train with us for the rest of the evening and my instructor, very graciously said “sure, we’re about to do forms and then spar, do you know TKD forms?” He then told us that he did, listed off their names… then he told us what forms he knew in kung-fu, karate-do, something, something, and kyokushin; here’s the kicker, I **** you not, one of them was called “storming the fortress”. He then said:

”I would LOVE to spar with you all tonight, but all my gear’s back at my dorm. Now if I walk I know I couldn’t make it in time, but if I could- I mean, I hate to impose- but if I could get a ride from one of you all back to my dorm I could get my gear.”

At this point I knew my instructor wanted this guy to spar. She asked if he had a cup or mouth piece handy, and though he said no she said “that’s alright, I have a fresh mouth piece and you can just tell the folks you’re fight’n you don’t have a cup”. Normally she’s a stickler for the cup and mouth piece and very rarely just gives some one a fresh mouth piece (not that $2 is all that much to pay, but she wasn’t about to ask this guy for money).

But first, forms.

I just tried to ignore him at this point and happily get on sweating through my forms, but this guy just couldn’t be ignored. Yeah, he knew the forms alright, and he kiai’d good and loud all over the damn place (I just don’t anymore), the thing is he looked worse than some of our yellow belts. When a half blind man notices that your forms look sloppy and weak, yeah, they really are sloppy and weak. He stopped half way through forms though and just stood there to critique and correct one of our white belts. I wish I could’ve seen the faces of the other black belts because I was fairly certain this guy was hitting a nerve, not just hitting it, but double-legging it, mounting it, and elbowing it into the canvas….. I somehow doubt he would be able to properly visualize any of that if I told it to him.

After the forms practice was done we were set for our 45 minutes of sparring. I was just going to sit out on account of my having neither a mouth piece nor a cup, but she came over and said “why don’t you have your gear on”. I explained and was treated to “oh, no, it’s ok, I’ll give you a mouth piece given the fact that we have a special guest tonight.” So I stuck in the fresh out of the bag mouth piece and slapped on some really old gloves and foot pads.

Before we got started, Sparky came on over and asked ”hey, is that judoJI?” It took all my force of will not to just smack him and say “judogi, as in GEE, hard G!” He asked me if I practiced judo and I told him that I’d done a few months with the OSU team and a few months in Japan; he seemed awe struck when I mentioned Japan and was like ”Oh wow, it’s a pleasure to be talking to you, that’s amazing!” Greeeeeeeeeat. I was thankful that my instructor came back and told people to partner up.

I fought a few lower belts first as the black belts got their pick of Sparky. I tried to pay as much attention to his matches as I could and from it I garnered the following; in his first match, Sparky nearly got doubled over with a lead leg round house, spun around a lot throwing ridiculously telegraphed spinning back fists, turned his back to his opponent as if that were some sort of defensive strategy, and practically bent over at the waist to get away from jabs and backfists. I could tell this was going to be fun.

He then went onto spar one of our older, more heavy set black belts (he’s my height but barrel-chested, real defensive fighter, counter punches, can take a punch like it’s nothing). This match I didn’t get to see so much as hear: thump, thump, thump, swish, bam, followed by a little advice from our team’s resident bulldog. This continued for about 3 or 4 minutes.

**Stick** · Posted On: 8/19/2004 11:59pm

Then it was my turn. I was nice about it all and, grinning, told him that I too was in the same boat and had no cup on.

This guy fought half the time with his lead hand down to guard against kicks and had his back turned almost to me even before I started throwing. I played the TKD game with him a little bit, classic side facing stance, lots of lead leg kicks and swipes for the head. After a second or two it occurred to me that my shots to his head would all connect if I just account for him bending over at the waist and turning away from me; so I did and thumped the back of his head a few times. I stopped and let him advance a little, this guy opened with a spinning backfist! Now, normally I can’t bob, weave, slip, or duck for **** on account of my disability, but I saw this coming a mile away, ducked, stuck my arm up and caught him in the crook of his elbow while his back was still to me, stepped through, and swept his legs out from under him: one of the most awkward and thoroughly amusing take downs I’ve ever done.

I then switched up to more of what gets taught on my MMA team and proceeded to box him into submission: literally, turning around and bending over. Remember how I told him I had no cup on? When I spun his bent over ass around and slapped on a guillotine- well, boy if I ever wasn’t pissed the hell off when he kneed me in the groin! So I just sunk it in and lifted him off his feet a little, let him go, and our time, tragically, was up.

He fought a few more people and was thoroughly Tae Kwon-D0wne3d by the end of class. We bowed out and let him talk to us a little while longer. He, gasping for breath, then offered us this:

”Wow, you guys sure do train some good fighters up here, I need this, I only ever get to spar with my students.”

I blanched as I was forcefully reminded that this person that I- in all my half blind glory- had just out boxed, out kick boxed, out grappled, and just plain old beaten up had a school of his own where he teaches people to fight.

I really, really, really hope this bundle of fun comes to MMA this Saturday. I’ll be sure to give my coach a call and let him know of what transpired, something tells me he won’t be surprised. Regrettably I have a kegger with a bunch of belly dancers to attend, so…. Yeah I’ll just have to find out third hand whether or not this guy comes to visit us. He may well come back to TKD, though hopefully with his ego much more in check. I honestly had not met someone so over bearing and so full of himself with regards to MA in quite a long time- I mean, come on! ”Oh, no, it’s Kyokushin-kai, although we mostly focus on karate-do, aikido, judo, tae kwon do, and kendo.” and “storming the fortress”

I have seen the enemy, bullshido is his weapon of mass destruction and his victims are nominally known as “students”. Ho-lee crap I hope no one he’s taught ever needs to actually fight, ever!

**Mox_Mox** · Posted On: 8/20/2004 12:08am

Well written. Glad you whooped him, what exactly is your disability?

**cafezinho** · Posted On: 8/20/2004 12:10am

excuse me while I sit here in awe

**Roidie McDouchebag** · Posted On: 8/20/2004 12:10am

Reading that was like watching the Ali G show...so embarassing...like, you know it's only gonna get worse, the whole way through, until the end...although I've seen similar, though less gay versions of the same thing before.

**Stick** · Posted On: 8/20/2004 12:28am

Originally posted by Mox_Mox
Well written. Glad you whooped him, what exactly is your disability?

Originally posted by Dai-Tenshi
I blanched as I was forcefully reminded that this person that I- in all my half blind glory- had just out boxed, out kick boxed, out grappled, and just plain old beaten up had a school of his own where he teaches people to fight.

I'm beginning to think i should just put it in my sig.

**Mox_Mox** · Posted On: 8/20/2004 12:36am

No I got that, are you blind in one eye, bad vision, cataracts(sp?), what?

**JKing** · Posted On: 8/20/2004 1:09am

Love it. Eagerly awaiting the sequel

**elipson** · Posted On: 8/20/2004 1:25am

See if Phrost will make this an article. This is the kinda story that should be told over and over again.

**ClintEQ** · Posted On: 8/20/2004 1:29am

The punch line of sorts "Wow, you guys sure do train some good fighters up here, I need this, I only ever get to spar with my students" had me laughing my ass off. Fantastic story, thanks for sharing.