So I'm walking down the road after leaving Macroeconomics to the generic chinese restaurant to enjoy a delectable dish of sesame chicken and vegetable lo mein. While waiting for it to be cooked, I follow my usual routine and read the bulletin board. There I see it. A flier offering private instruction in "the most secretive and deadly martial art known to man.... Ansatsuken". My curiosity is piqued. A chance to learn the most deadly martial art known to man?! This is an opportunity I can't refuse! Quickly, I call the number. At first, no one picked up. So after eating, I called again. No answer. This time, I left a message asking for more information and about their rates (I was thinking this was some sort of McDojo). No more than 10 minutes after I hang up, I receive a call back. It sounds to be a younger guy, someone in his late 20s to early 30s (of course you can never tell). He informs me that if certain people knew that he was teaching this, they would kill him and so he had to screen every call. He said that he almost didn't return my call, but the sincerity in my voice made him consider otherwise. I asked him about the "Ansatsuken style", because I have never heard of this word in my life. He tells me this story, and I swear this is no lie:
He was born on an army base in Okinawa (I believe). When he was 5, his father ended up seeing some sort of drug trade between the Yakuza and some other gang turn into a gunfight/blood bath and wanted him dead so no one would ever know what happened. Since the Yakuza had influence at the army base, his father knew his superiors would turn him over to the gang for the right price. Desperate, his father took his entire family out into some forest (something like that) out on some hills. There, his family met an old hermit living out there. The hermit had amassed a fortune by selling crops and not buying anything (since he grew his own food), and told the family that he had been waiting for a situation like this. The hermit told his parents that if they would let their son stay with him so that he could pass a martial art that had been in his family since (no lie) the time of Jesus, then he would give them his fortune and they could hide someone in the US until the entire thing blew over. The father had no other choice to agree, and bid his son farewell. The next day, the hermit began training him in this martial art. Many years later, word went around that the hermit was teaching this art to a foreigner, and as a result he was attacked and murdered. In a fit of rage, the guy I was talking to said he finally realized the true power of the style and quickly killed all of his teacher's murderers. He claims he travelled the earth some, trying to find peace and now he's back in the US. He wants to find his parents, but he has no money. That's why he is teaching this style, even though he swore to only teach it to one person. Apparently, it is too deadly for too many people to know it. There should only be two people that know the style. When one dies, the remaining trains another.
Now that I'm choking on sesame chicken to try to stop from laughing, I ask about the rates. Here is the offer (NO LIES): I move this guy in with me. I pay him $250/DAY, provide him with clothing, food and other neccessities. For the first year, he will teach me the basics. The second year, we will focus on "Genesis" techniques. The third year, "Relevations" techniques. On the fourth year, I will learn "Testament" techniques, because these are the most powerful techniques to the world, and is a testament to the history of martial arts.
I told him that it was way too expensive, and he told me that he had already lined up banks that would offer me a loan to pay for the training. I asked if there were any trial periods for cheaper, and he said that once I agreed to be his student, I couldn't leave or he'd have to kill me. That's when I hung up the phone. After getting home, I checked the number and found that it's the number to a phone in a local lumber warehouse.
Monday, I'm going by there and turning him in for using their phone to spout this nonsense... that is, unless he doesn't kill me.
According to wikipedia (so I don't know how valid this is), The Japanese term ansatsuken (暗殺拳, Murdering/Assassination Techniques) is a generic term referring to any martial art created for assassination. The term "Ansatsuken" is used frequently in video game, manga, and anime series.
Yes, the preceeding story was completely true. I may have botched a few of the story details or left something out because I was eating, and he was talking really fast. I won't post the number, and I also won't say that I live in the Raleigh, North Carolina area and there's only one or two warehouses like that around here.