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  1. #1
    Holy Moment's Avatar
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    Top 5 WORST Martial Arts

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    So the votes are finally in and the decision has been made. I'd like to thank all of you who participated in the YMAS and Facebook threads that preceded this article. Your contributions greatly aided my decisions (Although I ignored most of your comments and just made my own list anyway).

    I actually didn't expect my last post to be put up on the Bullshido Facebook page. I had simply written that with the intent to shoot the **** with my fellow Bullies, so the dudes who only follow our Facebook page were naturally confused about some of my choices. This time around, though, I'm going to elaborate more on each entry to help you guys get a better picture of why these styles suck. Keep in mind that these are only GENERALIZATIONS of each discipline. There are badasses in every art, although I think any legit tough guys who study these styles would still be better served training something real. Also take note that I'm NOT trying to insult anybody who practices these styles. All I'm trying to get across is that if you're a student of any of these art forms, that automatically means you're a ***** and that I can kick your ass.

    5. ATA (Songahm) Taekwondo



    Taekwondo (Also known as "Karate" according to most storefront signs) is the poster-child for the American McDojo. It's the reason many of us got our asses kicked in middle school after we tried intimidating the big, ornery bully by telling him we're a black belt. I received a lot of nominations for WTF Taekwondo, but in good conscience I can't put that particular style on this list. WTF has it's own thing going... Dudes in poor countries have a shot at getting in the Olympics and making their lives better (And all they have to do is throw a few high kicks and gloat after touching someone in the chest. It's practically charity).

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    ATA does not have that redeeming value (Nor does it have nearly as humorous of an acronym). My first personal encounter with an ATA disciple was years ago when I was fifteen and looking to harass some people at a McDojo after being inspired by my discovery of Bullshido that previous Summer (I am not a good person). I was invited into the dojang after the assistant instructor saw me staring at the teen class through the window facing the sidewalk and ended up in an awkward conversation about how the organization is structured and the experience of the teachers. When I asked how long the black belt assistant instructor had been training, he looked at me with a shining, proud smile and told me "A year and a half." I wasn't sure if he expected me to be in awe by how quickly he had earned his 1st Dan, or by the effort and dedication he apparently thought that length of time denoted. Either way, I was banned from the dojang that day after molesting some of the men who were coming into the adult Camo belt class (They all had tits, how was I supposed to react?).

    To sum up what's wrong with the American Taekwondo Association's brand of martial arts: Basically the same things that are wrong with most every Kiddie Krotty school out there, only ATA schools tend to stay in business longer courtesy of effective marketing and instructor support. Essentially, the ATA has very successfully stabilized the shady business practice of selling expensive colored belts to children. And while Taekwondo can be a good activity to enable little Tommy to stave off childhood obesity and have a lot of fun (The dojang I visited had a pair of Hulk gloves in the spare equipment bin), fast-tracked rank upgrades can be extremely dangerous in regards to how he perceives his own martial talent. "Boosting confidence" is really only a positive thing if it's justified and earned through lengthy hard labor. If a child (Or adult) goes around thinking he's a badass because he knows how to impotently flick his foot in the air, there's a huge potential for him to put himself in a situation where that's bound to blow up in his face. While the gamut of kicks and punches taught in Taekwondo can be highly effective when trained with aliveness (Anthony Pettis), odds are an organization willing to give you a black belt based on the merit of whether or not your mother's check cleared is not going to instruct you properly.



    There are a lot of other amusing idiosyncrasies to the style as well, chief among them using "rebreakable" boards as a test of power. Yeah, instead of using real boards to break during belt promotions, they just have their students kicking color-coded jigsaw tiles. So basically they've taken what was already just a functionless gimmick, made it lame, and have started using it as a meter stick for student progress. I don't know about you, but when I used to train at a Tang Soo Do McDojo, breaking wooden planks and taking the pieces home to show to my friends was the only cool thing about being a karate geek. ATA doesn't even let you have THAT much.



    To conclude, a very good list of all the cons (And pros!) of the ATA can be found in this FAQ Omega posted in the traditional forum:

    http://www.bullshido.net/forums/showthread.php?t=66591
    Last edited by Holy Moment; 11/26/2014 7:06am at .

  2. #2
    Holy Moment's Avatar
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    Please post this entry on Facebook and I'll put up the remaining entries on consecutive days for the rest of the week (Which you will also post one at a time, to Facebook). We'll slow-burn those cocksuckers.

    Edit: And for anybody on Facebook reading this, please sign up to the forum to call us assholes personally.

  3. #3
    Holy Moment's Avatar
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    Hell yeah! Hell no!
    FYI, I'm not posting any other entries until this gets put up on Facebook. So you gays better write to yo' Congressman if you want to the total package.

  4. #4
    TheMightyMcClaw's Avatar
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    I just want to take a moment to remind everyone of the existence of Silat before this thread goes any further.
    The fool thinks himself immortal,
    If he hold back from battle;
    But old age will grant him no truce,
    Even if spears spare him.

  5. #5
    ghost55's Avatar
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    At the very least we got The Raid movies from Silat, and that's more then can e said for anything else on this list.

  6. #6
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    Facebook Link created. You may continue...

  7. #7
    Holy Moment's Avatar
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    Good... Good...

    I fucking knew the first thing somebody would do would be to misinterpret the "Karate storefront sign" joke.

  8. #8
    Holy Moment's Avatar
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    4. Krav Maga



    Courtesy of clickbait list articles (Like the one you're reading now) Krav Maga has garnered a considerable reputation over the past ten years as a lethal, groin-centric military martial art. Being the signature fighting style of the Israeli Defense Forces, Krav Maga is among the select-few, highly esoteric martial arts of the world that are being taught to a military or police organization. Among the others: Taekwondo, Brazilian Jiu-Jitsu, Greco-Roman wrestling, and Judo. Ok, maybe being taught to the military isn't so unique. What really makes Krav Maga special, though, is that it is NOT a traditional or sport based martial art. Its aim is NOT to teach a student to be the best at fighting with protection or performing pre-arranged routines. Instead of that nonsense, the IDF puts their soldiers through the paces and has them... Fighting with protection and performing pre-arranged routines.

    Here's my chief problem with Krav Maga: Too many exponents of the style take the hype at face value. A lot of arts nowadays have their fanboys and noobs who fall into the Dunning-Kruger effect (Like BJJ white belts who think they could've beaten a prime Mike Tyson because he lacked a ground game), but those melvins will typically have reality beaten into them over the course of training. With Krav Maga students, however, many never realize their workouts aren't forging them into lethal human weapons of mass destruction. Unfortunately, unlike their IDF counterparts, a great deal of civilian Kravists aren't doing the requisite act of lacing up the gloves and pummeling each other before proclaiming themselves dangerous fighters. Instead, most are just going over the same "grab-my-wrist" type defenses and weapons disarms we've all seen plaguing martial arts for the past fifty-odd years, except under the pretense that they're receiving state-of-the-art training scientifically designed for the world's deadliest Special Forces team.

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    In Krav Maga, you get a lot of lip service about how the style is "anything goes" and is tailored for a "no rules" environment. Thing is, unless you're fighting 100% no-holds-barred with weapons and zero protection in the gym, that's all you're getting... Lip service. You're still abiding by a set of rules for safety and developing your skills and fighting habits within those confines, just like the sport fighters whom you think "don't know ****." Unlike sport fighters, though, you're probably not actually pressure testing what you're being taught. We all know getting hit in the eyes or balls hurts, but there's a world of difference between pretending to slap a compliant partner's schmeckle and actually trying to disable an attacker whose attempting to knock your head off. Even though one could safely and effectively train such strikes in a live sparring situation by utilizing goggles and inner thigh kicks (Or Vibranium groin protectors), it would seem a lot of Kravists arenít doing this. Instead, I get the impression they think the willingness to fight "dirty" totally supplants the need for actual skill (Or at least they behave as if).



    Thing is, you need an effective delivery system to utilize any kind of attack, be it "dirty" or "clean." To give you an example, just imagine a Krav Maga stylist and a boxer getting in a fight to the death with one another in the middle of a boiler room. The Kravist goes for an eye strike, thinking he has his man, but the boxer merely slips the attack like a normal punch and knocks his opponent out with a counter left hook. The boxer is used to dodging much quicker blows from his sparring partners, after all, and the Kravist isnít accustomed to striking a fast moving target while in a state of adrenaline. Had the Kravist trained and sparred in the same manner as the boxer, he mightíve had a shot at making his eye poke work. As it stood, though, he lacked the necessary ability to actually hit somebody in the head.



    See what Iím driving at? Even though a typical Krav Maga attack might aim for targets that are off limits in most sparring or competition formats, the biomechanics of how those attacks are delivered are still extremely similar to ordinary strikes and grappling maneuvers. People who enter fights with a bunch of concepts and principles in their head but no muscle memory or experience executing techniques against a legitimate hostile target tend to just stumble around when it comes time to fight for real. Even those who actually do manage to pull off something they learned in training often find their moves donít have the same instantaneous stopping power their instructors told them they would (Pro tip: The groin and eyes arenít magic kill-switches. Dudes can shrug off hits to the inguinal region and still clobber you).

    I should probably point out that these criticisms also apply to the other "reality-based self defense" systems and "military styles" on the market today. Here's the thing about military hand-to-hand combat: Soldiers aren't being taught to instantaneously take out large groups of assailants like fucking Batman in the Arkham games. They don't develop such a high degree of skill that they can go toe-to-toe with a professional fighter (Many would be hard pressed to beat a hobbyist). The point of military hand-to-hand combat training, for the most part, is to instill soldiers with the balls to keep fighting when the **** really hits the fan. If you end up in an unarmed fight on a field of war, something has gone very, very wrong. Your best (And probably only) chance for survival is for your comrades to show up before his do. Compared to other skills of war a soldier has to hone, unarmed fighting is pretty inconsequential for his survival (Here's a fun game, try to find Krav Maga mentioned anywhere on the IDF's Wikipedia page: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Israel_Defense_Forces).

  9. #9
    Holy Moment's Avatar
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    Krav Maga Addendum

    Here's a story I couldn't fit into the entry:

    A few years back, I actually threw down with a couple of Krav Maga guys I met on the internet. They both claimed to be able to pierce a man's carotid arteries with their fingers, among other street feats, so I was pretty fascinated to find out what they looked like in person. When I finally saw them, there was no disappointment in that department (They were both fucking ugly) but they seemed much more interested in talking rather than lacing up. After what had to have been a substantial chunk of my life wasted in conversation with these cretins, I finally convinced one of them to bang. Executing the takedown was easy (He fell down like a Jenga tower made out of melted butter), but on the ground I suddenly found myself having to contend with Krav Maga's signature attack: Teh deeeaddddly eye gouge.

    As a sport fighter, how do you think I reacted? Did I burst into a stream of bloody tears and scream "B-but... That's against the rules!"? No, instead I just sunk my teeth straight into Kravy McEyepoke's hand and made him scream for quite a good while (That being the first pain he had apparently ever felt). Even though I don't actually train to bite people, I'm still experienced in putting opponents in vulnerable positions and controlling them there. THAT is my delivery system. If I wanted to, from that point on I could've hammered that joker's skull so brutally he'd be living the rest of his life with anomic aphasia ( I just elected to give him nipple-hickies instead, this being an online meet-up after all).

    I guess he got the last laugh, though. Dude apparently had a bowel condition and **** his pants several times while sparring. I had to mop the mats afterwards to keep my coach from eviscerating me with a throwing knife. Lucky I didn't get pink-eye.

  10. #10
    ermghoti's Avatar
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    Broken vids, do you even link, bro?

    Also, I'd include the video of how real Krav Maga trained IDF commandos deal with multiple opponents and weapons.



    (Spoiler alert: they get the **** beat out of them until they form a group big enough to support a perimeter, and then shoot everyone they can see)
    Last edited by ermghoti; 11/27/2014 9:50am at .
    "Systema, which means, 'the system'..."

    Quote Originally Posted by strikistanian View Post
    DROP SEIONAGI ************! Except I don't know Judo, so it doesn't work, and he takes my back.
    Quote Originally Posted by Devil
    Why is it so goddamn hard to find a video of it? I've seen videos I'm pretty sure are alien spacecraft. But still no good Krav.
    Quote Originally Posted by Plasma
    At the point, I must act! You see my rashguard saids "Jiu Jitsu vs The World" and "The World" was standing in front me teaching Anti-Grappling in a school I help run.
    [quote=SoulMechanic]Thank you, not dying really rewarding in more ways than I can express.[/[quote]

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