Page 1 of 4 1234 Last
  1. #1
    Evergrey's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jul 2010
    Location
    Richmond, California
    Posts
    1,422
    Style
    Kyokushin
    5
    Hell yeah! Hell no!

    Customer Service: a choose your own adventure

    Well, I had a less than satisfactory customer service experience recently. They could have asked for a fax from the credit card owner with a signed credit card authorization form to cover their butts, since I offered a reasonable solution.

    Instead, this exchange happened.

    ***
    From: Customer Service
    To: Me


    This order won't ship - we are not comfortable with the number of names
    used here


    From: Me
    To: Customer Service


    It's a gift for a friend, but I don't have a credit card so my
    housemate let me use it.
    Do I need to have the order shipped to my house, then? That can be done.


    From: Customer Service
    To: Me


    The person that places the order must be the card holder. We won't
    fill another order for you. Security has put a hold on anything to any of
    those names or addresses. We are very concerned about credit card
    fraud and very strict about card usage.
    CeC


    From: Me
    To: Customer Service


    Well I appreciate being concerned about fraud but that's pretty
    extreme, especially since the person I was shipping it to is someone
    who has ordered from you before, I'm quite sure, and he's going to be
    quite upset. I was just going to have my housemate fill it out himself, pay
    for it hismelf, and have it shipped here, where he and I live. But it
    seems that you are going to be entirely unreasonable about this. All
    because I wanted to send a surprise gift directly to my friend, and I
    don't have a credit card because I hate the debt trap that they can
    be. Being someone who is poor, I choose to be responsible and not get
    something that will put me in inescapable debt. Having some extra cash
    at the moment, and wanting to give someone a gift, I used the site he
    recommended to me.
    If you're going to be so unreasonable, that's your loss. And my
    friend's.






    From: Customer Service
    To: Me




    Merchant services (Visa - Mastercard) gives us rules and if the card
    holder says that this was not an authorized transaction even if he just
    gets angry with you up to 6 months after the charge we have no recourse
    but to accept the loss. The merchant is always the one that loses.
    All of the fraud you hear about on the internet it is never the credit
    card company that that takes the hit - it is the merchant. The number
    of chargebacks affects how much we pay for credit card services - the
    percentage on each order. If there is a chargeback we are also assessed
    a fee which can range from $25.00 to $125.00 just for the chargeback.
    We sell at wholesale prices - we are not in a position to have enough
    profit on orders to sustain those kinds of losses. Our rules are NOT
    unreasonable. They keep us in business.




    From: Me
    To: Customer Service


    Why don't you get with the times and get paypal, then?




    From: Customer Service
    To: Me


    Then we would have to charge our customers more as paypal charges
    excessive rates - it is why when you shop with us you actually pay
    wholesale and not retail prices.






    From: Me
    To: Customer Service


    Well that would be lovely, except I cannot shop with you now. Nor can
    my housemate, or the friend that the gift was meant for, since you've blocked all three of us, even if my housemate
    were to place the order himself, pay for it with his card, and have it
    sent to his billing address, with all transaction details and
    communication going through his e-mail address.




    From: Customer Service
    To: Me


    Yes alas life is unfair -


    From: Me
    To: Customer Service


    So professional!




    From: Customer Service
    To: Me


    You are right - you are so smart - you are so wonderful - you know
    everything . . . . . you should be in charge of the world . . . . feel
    better!!!


    From: me
    To Customer Service


    Your hand hovers over the mouse button, gleefully trembling. This will be the best submission to notalwaysright.com ever! The masses of your fellow retail service industry denizens will cheer, having always wanted to say something to a stupid, unreasonable customer.
    Suddenly, there is a flash of bright light behind you!
    Swiveling in your office chair, which always tilts back violently if you try to lean on the back rest, (and why do they do that, anyway?) you see an astonishing sight!
    Three beings, purplish-green in hue, adorned with a plethora of waving tentacles, three eyes, and three short, stocky legs, stand before you.
    "We are from the planet Xreem," intones the biggest one, standing in the middle. "I fear you have set to motion a series of events that shall lead to a great cataclysm that will tear apart the multiverse?"
    "Uh, come again?" you reply incredulously.
    "You see, by denying the shipment of three rather cheap items to a certain address, that which was foretold has not come to pass! Now you must come, swiftly, on a quest to put things right. There will be untold dangers and the journey shall be long, but unless you, the chosen one, act now, all will be lost. Looooooooooooost..."
    Epic music plays out of nowhere.


    What will you do?


    If you turn around, submit your entry, and ignore the Xreemians until they go away, choose 32


    If you agree to go with them, choose 59


    If you throw your Game of Thrones Peter Dinklage collectible bobble head desk ornament at them, choose 43

    ***

    Well, they never replied, so I guess they didn't want to play.
    Pick a number, first one gets to turn to that page.
    Last edited by Evergrey; 1/24/2015 8:39pm at . Reason: Wordpad sucks for copypasta if you forget to turn off word wrap.

  2. #2
    ghost55's Avatar
    Join Date
    Oct 2013
    Location
    Portland, Oregon
    Posts
    2,656
    Style
    Kyokushin/BJJ
    --
    Hell yeah! Hell no!
    43 of course!

  3. #3
    Evergrey's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jul 2010
    Location
    Richmond, California
    Posts
    1,422
    Style
    Kyokushin
    2
    Hell yeah! Hell no!
    Page 43:

    With a mighty squeak, you hurl your Game of Thrones Peter Dinklage collectible bobble head desk ornament at the Xreemians, because you've seen enough hentai to know where this is going.

    Unfortunately, your carpal tunnel syndrome, developed after years of scrolling through hentai porn on Usenet, causes your wrist to cramp up with shooting pains, and you miss the Xreemians, tossing the figurine into the interdimensional portal that is hidden behind them!

    A bright flash appears, and you find yourself surrounded by white light, seeing only... THIS!



    A mighty, somewhat sarcastic voice rings out from everywhere and nowhere.
    "YOU HAVE SUMMONED THE MIGHTY DINKLAGE, GOD-KING OF THE MULTIVERSE! GAZE UPON MY WORKS AND DESPAIR, MORTAL! Wait- are you the guy- oh damn it, it's THAT GUY! Did he ship the package? HE DIDN'T SHIP THE PACKAGE! Oh that's great. Just lovely really. Don't mind us. We're just trying to RUN THE GODDAMNED UNIVERSE. Nothing IMPORTANT. Lovely. Just lovely."

    You are floating in a white, featureless void, and the bobblehead is glaring at you malignantly.

    What do you do?

    If you curl up in a fetal position, gibbering, turn to page 25

    If you say "Yes alas life is unfair" turn to page 79

    If you attempt to roleplay with King James Bible type speak, turn to page 4

    If spontaneous incontinence before your lord and master god-king of the multiverse, Peter Dinklage, is more your style, turn to page 13

  4. #4
    ghost55's Avatar
    Join Date
    Oct 2013
    Location
    Portland, Oregon
    Posts
    2,656
    Style
    Kyokushin/BJJ
    --
    Hell yeah! Hell no!
    Page 4 please.

  5. #5
    gregaquaman's Avatar
    Join Date
    Feb 2010
    Location
    Arlie Beach
    Posts
    2,875
    Style
    mma /boxing/muai thai
    --
    Hell yeah! Hell no!
    This is why my customer service role has an option to choke people.

    And visa debit.
    Whitsunday Martial Arts Airlie Beach North Queensland.
    http://www.facebook.com/#!/WhitsundayMartialArts

  6. #6
    Evergrey's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jul 2010
    Location
    Richmond, California
    Posts
    1,422
    Style
    Kyokushin
    --
    Hell yeah! Hell no!
    Page 4

    "Yea verily m'lord, yiff yiff," you exclaim, bowing and tipping your fedora with a flourish.

    "...betch no," the bobblehead says, and it vanishes in the light with an audible pop.

    Before you is an automated scanning machine.

    "Welcome to Wormholeway," says a chipper automated voice. "Have you scanned your multiverse pass today?"

    "Damned things never work right," mutters a Xreemian, who has apparently been sucked in alongside you. He slides a card through a slot.

    "Unexpected being in wormhole area. Please wait for assistance."

    "No, dammitt. He's right here! He's supposed to be here!"

    "Unexpected being in wormhole area. Please wait for assistance."

    Before you, the wormhole spirals off into the distance. Who knows what might lie on the other side!

    What will you do?

    If you decide to beat the **** out of the machine Office Space style, turn to page 33

    If you make a run for the end of the wormhole, turn to page 27

  7. #7
    ghost55's Avatar
    Join Date
    Oct 2013
    Location
    Portland, Oregon
    Posts
    2,656
    Style
    Kyokushin/BJJ
    --
    Hell yeah! Hell no!
    Page 33.

  8. #8
    ermghoti's Avatar
    Join Date
    Apr 2007
    Location
    OW, MY KNEE
    Posts
    3,214
    Style
    BJJ+Sanda
    2
    Hell yeah! Hell no!
    "You charge, brandishing the baseball bat you have inexplicably been carrying all along, shrieking Ice Cube lyrics in a voice rendered laughably girlish due to your impotent rage.

    The Xreemian, though unfamiliar with both baseball and Mr Cube, seems to have inferred your intent, and shrieks "no! You dullard!" However, his protests are drowned out by the blood flow associated with your berserker rage pounding through your ear drums. With a faint taste of copper in your mouth, you lay into the accursed machine.

    The automated scanning machine says 'it sounds like you're beating the dicks out of me. If so, please press one. If you know the party you are trying to reach press two. If you wish to return a fondue pot, press three. If you wish to speak to a sentient being with the knowledge and inclination to assist you, press [unpronounceable, presumably an alien mathematical symbol not known on Earth]. To hear these options again, align your thoughts with the spirit of the Great Overload Kcihcilleb.'

    Also, the Xreemian seems to be agitated and trying to say something to you."

    Keep pounding the automated scanning machine: page 129

    Press "Three:" page 4

    Attempt to press the unpronounceable concept: page e.

    Listen to the Xreemian for a second: page 61

    Bat the Xreemian: page 3069
    "Your body must be like a stone, your mind... like a meatloaf."

    Quote Originally Posted by strikistanian View Post
    DROP SEIONAGI ************! Except I don't know Judo, so it doesn't work, and he takes my back.
    Quote Originally Posted by Devil
    Why is it so goddamn hard to find a video of it? I've seen videos I'm pretty sure are alien spacecraft. But still no good Krav.
    Quote Originally Posted by Plasma
    At the point, I must act! You see my rashguard saids "Jiu Jitsu vs The World" and "The World" was standing in front me teaching Anti-Grappling in a school I help run.

  9. #9
    ghost55's Avatar
    Join Date
    Oct 2013
    Location
    Portland, Oregon
    Posts
    2,656
    Style
    Kyokushin/BJJ
    --
    Hell yeah! Hell no!
    Page e please. I live on the edge.

  10. #10
    ermghoti's Avatar
    Join Date
    Apr 2007
    Location
    OW, MY KNEE
    Posts
    3,214
    Style
    BJJ+Sanda
    1
    Hell yeah! Hell no!
    "You attempt to press the key in question, but quickly realize there are a number of symbols on the scanner that range from unrecognizable to flatly impossible. You turn to the Xreemian, and say, 'hay, which one of these is the...'

    You know what 'unpronounceable' means? Seriously, you can't pronounce that. In the attempt, you partially disgorge your glottis, which in turn, strikes you in the left kidney hard enough to put you onto what passes for ground in formless voids. The Xreemian is doing something that is probably analogous to laughing, and the automated scanner seems to be saying something."

    Return to page 33, or

    Try to force the bat into one of your own orifices in a mindless rage: page 100.
    "Your body must be like a stone, your mind... like a meatloaf."

    Quote Originally Posted by strikistanian View Post
    DROP SEIONAGI ************! Except I don't know Judo, so it doesn't work, and he takes my back.
    Quote Originally Posted by Devil
    Why is it so goddamn hard to find a video of it? I've seen videos I'm pretty sure are alien spacecraft. But still no good Krav.
    Quote Originally Posted by Plasma
    At the point, I must act! You see my rashguard saids "Jiu Jitsu vs The World" and "The World" was standing in front me teaching Anti-Grappling in a school I help run.

Page 1 of 4 1234 Last

Bookmarks

Posting Permissions

  • You may not post new threads
  • You may not post replies
  • You may not post attachments
  • You may not edit your posts
  •  

Log in

Log in
Single Sign On provided by vBSSO