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    ghost55's Avatar
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    Shadowboxer: mediocre YA fiction goes STREET!



    I ran across this piece of **** while browsing at Barns & Noble earlier today. I was immediately "entranced" by this amazing synopsis on the rear cover:

    Jade is a young mixed martial arts fighter. When she’s in the cage she dominates her opponents—but in real life she’s out of control.

    After she has a confrontation with a Hollywood martial arts star that threatens her gym’s reputation, Jade’s coach sends her to a training camp in Thailand for an attitude adjustment. Hoping to discover herself, she instead uncovers a shocking conspiracy. In a world just beyond our own, a man is stealing the souls of children to try and live forever.
    So I bought the thing for the express purpose of writing a chapter-by-chapter breakdown just for you guys. There is only two ways this can end: poorly choreographed street, or awkward sex with a Thai ladyboy. Anyone want to take bets?

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    Holy Moment's Avatar
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  3. #3
    ghost55's Avatar
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    Chapter 1: Tornado Weather

    We start off with a flashback to the protagonists daddy issues that lasts 3/4 of a page before the book lands in the present where the protagonist (Jade) is somehow hung over from drinking a beer and a half. Apparently the beer was consumed because she was disqualified for a head-stomp after knocking her opponent out with a head kick. Oh god. I was not anticipating this much street.

    Jade then arrives at her gym where some Jet Li stand-in is visiting. His body guards won't let her in because she lack ID or something (even though she looks like she just had a fight and is carrying a gym bag), so she bitches them out. In retaliation they threaten to have her arrested for trying to enter a gym during standard hours that she pays money to attend. Eventually Jet Li clone lets her in while insulting her in Chinese somehow. Queue two pages of internal monologue about how amazing training is mixed with some shitty banter with a friend. Meanwhile Jet Li Clone is a dick and has his limo driver ask Jade to wait for a ride somewhere not outside the gym because he wants to smoke alone. Then he throws a beer bottle at a cat named after Rampage Jackson, thus solidifying himself as the main villain of the story. At this point, Jade flips out and Breaks Jet Li clone's face.

    To be continued...

  4. #4
    My dog is cuter and smarter than yours. Join us... or die
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    Quote Originally Posted by ghost55 View Post


    I ran across this piece of **** while browsing at Barns & Noble earlier today. I was immediately "entranced" by this amazing synopsis on the rear cover:



    So I bought the thing for the express purpose of writing a chapter-by-chapter breakdown just for you guys. There is only two ways this can end: poorly choreographed street, or awkward sex with a Thai ladyboy. Anyone want to take bets?
    I believe that what you are doing is known as "taking one for the team".
    Falling for Judo since 1980

  5. #5
    Holy Moment's Avatar
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    I elected to use my Barnes and Noble gift card to buy some Harvey Pekar comics and King of the Cage DVD's instead of the MMA romance novels they had for sale. Don't worry, though. Lucky for youse guys, I found out that they're available FREE on my Amazon Kindle.

    So get the jerk juice ready.

  6. #6
    ghost55's Avatar
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    Since Far Cry 4 is still somehow not finished downloading (whoever was responsible for setting up the way it installs on PS4 deserves to be shot), here's another chapter:

    Chapter 2: I Let My Ass Do the Talking

    Apparently Jade's instructor is pissed at her for beating up a movie star outside the gym that was visiting the gym. Shocking and unreasonable. I know. After some incredibly redundant arguing, He takes her phone and ships her off to train in Thailand. That's it. Another riveting chapter.

    To be continued...

  7. #7
    goodlun's Avatar
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    Why is Jade compelled to allow her Martial Arts instructor to ship her off to another country?
    Of the single rapier fight between valiant men, having both skill, he that is the best wrestler, or if neither of them can wrestle, the strongest man most commonly kills the other, or leaves him at his mercy.
    –George Silver, Paradoxes of Defence

  8. #8
    ghost55's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by goodlun View Post
    Why is Jade compelled to allow her Martial Arts instructor to ship her off to another country?
    Because it's the best way to avoid having the movie star press charges. Or something. Just roll with it.

  9. #9
    FinalLegion's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by ghost55 View Post


    I ran across this piece of **** while browsing at Barns & Noble earlier today. I was immediately "entranced" by this amazing synopsis on the rear cover:



    So I bought the thing for the express purpose of writing a chapter-by-chapter breakdown just for you guys. There is only two ways this can end: poorly choreographed street, or awkward sex with a Thai ladyboy. Anyone want to take bets?
    I think it's going to end in a mad streetz death match with a Booj trained Thai ladyboy.

  10. #10
    ermghoti's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by ghost55 View Post
    Apparently Jade's instructor is pissed at her for beating up a movie star outside the gym that was visiting the gym.
    Makes sense. The last publicity a fight gym wants is one of their female fighters beating the bag out of a world-famous action star.

    Wait, what?
    "Your body must be like a stone, your mind... like a meatloaf."

    Quote Originally Posted by strikistanian View Post
    DROP SEIONAGI ************! Except I don't know Judo, so it doesn't work, and he takes my back.
    Quote Originally Posted by Devil
    Why is it so goddamn hard to find a video of it? I've seen videos I'm pretty sure are alien spacecraft. But still no good Krav.

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