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Bullshido's Guide to Weapons for the Zombie Apocalypse
You've played "Left4Dead". You've watched The Walking Dead. You've even done one of the handful of zombie-themed adventure runs that have popped up in the last year. That's enough to get you ready for a zombie apocalypse, right?
Yeah sure, and watching The Ultimate Fighter is all you need to get in the cage with Anderson Silva. Actually, scratch that; anyone who's watched TUF would at least know that acting like a wacky waving inflatable arm tube man would get you KTFO. We obviously need a better analogy here, but this article isn't about proving how fucking clever the author can be. It's about the tools you need to not catch a case of walking rigor mortis and have your brains nommed on by the creepy dead lady across the street.
So here's a list of items Bullshido feels you should already own, not just in preparation for the ZA, but for horrible situations in general.
#6: Glock Handgun
Glock 34, a longer version of the famous Glock 17
Glock pistols are essentially the standard firearm of most law enforcement officers. They're reliable, built to withstand just about anything up to and including being dropped out of an airplane...
Parts and magazines are common, given the ubiquity of the firearm, it's got a point-and-click interface, and the lack of a traditional "Safety" mechanism also helps contribute towards keeping the gene pool sanitized. Look, I know you want to be Sherrif Rick, but playing with your cowboy 6-shooter when your life is on the line is idiotic. Thanks to modern technology, you have access to a 17-shooter, which means you can put down more things trying to eat your brains.
#5: Steel-Toed Boots
spit-shine these puppies with zombie guts
A lot of people who long for the sweet release of a zombie apocalypse or other complete social breakdown, mistakenly believe that it will provide them an opportunity to get back to nature by putting an end to materialistic society and all the ills of industry and technology that go with it.
These people, which I've run into while browsing various online "collapse" communities, think they'll be spending their days planting community gardens in their hand-made hemp sandals before retiring to smoke the non-sandal bits of those plants and reflect on life.
Unfortunately, unless you're Micah True, it's really hard to flee a hoard of maniacs while wearing sandals, let alone stomp a human skull into crunchy goo. And if you are Micah True, then you're a zombie and someone should be getting busy with stomping you in a pair of steel-toed boots.
if this guy's zombie is chasing you, running is not an option
With a good pair of stompers, not only do you not have to worry about getting infected bits of bone jammed into your feet while using grandma as a gooey moon bounce, but the additional weight of the boot itself adds to your kicking and stomping effectiveness. Sure, they might slow you down a bit in a sprint, but you're not as likely to be sprinting as much as you will be hiking across rough terrain littered with all sorts of hazards; there's a reason the military hasn't worn sandals since the days of the Roman legions.
scene from the critically-acclaimed movie American History Z starring Deadward Norton
Additionally, boots offer solid instep protection for those of you who've thrown so many thai kicks that the idea of kicking with your toe just gives you the heebie-jeebies. Savate-bros won't have this problem, but they'll be the first to go in a zombie apocalypse because of their gourmet, wine-pickled brains.
#4 - Katana
Yes, a Katana. No, not the 440 steel piece of crap you got at a Mexican flea market. Now shut up, that's all we're going to write about the damn thing. You can pull your hand out of your pants now. Go wash that hand.
this is how you imagine yourself, but we've seen your Throwdown footage; and if we haven't, why the hell haven't you been to a Throwdown? What the crap is wrong with you? Do you think this is a site for people to just grammatically grind all over each other about how awesome it'd be to do all the things other people are actually doing? Why is this caption so long? Why do I hate all of you so much? Also, **** you I actually do look like this.
#3: Ruger 10/22
no, this post was not sponsored by Ruger, we just borrowed the picture from their website. If they'd like to send me a 10/22 Takedown as a way of saying 'thanks' for the free marketing, however, I can be reached at Phrost at Bullshido dot com.
I know what you're thinking: "but Phraaaaawst, why would you advocate such a small round as .22LR for a human-target". To which I'd reply "why are you reading over my shoulder when I'm typing this, asshole? I don't even know you. Stop leaning over my coffee. Jesus, when was the last time you took a shower?"
First off, the .22LR kills people just fine. I won't quote you the urban myth that it "kills more people than all other rounds", which a cursory bit of research determines to be bullshit. But virtually anything that puts holes into people they weren't born with will kill just fine.
And there's the first key: reliably. The 10/22 is a rock-solid firearm that has a reputation for reliability that's better than anything you've ever made with your grubby little booger hooks. When you're facing a horde of raging former-humans, reliability is somewhat important, for obvious reasons.
and for those of you who see guns as your Barbies, you can dress your 10/22 up like the dirty little bullet slut that it is
And that segues us into the second key to the 10/22: former humans. Zombies aren't people, they're ex-people. A bullet goes into the skull of a zombie much differently than it does going into the supple, firm skull of a warm creature who drinks their milk and diligently takes calcium supplements. Zombies don't take calcium supplements, so it just takes a little bit of force to penetrate through their crusty bones and scramble the eggs within.
The final key to why the 10/22 is so high on this list is simple: Recoil. If you can't handle the recoil of a 10/22, you don't deserve to survive a zombie holocaust anyway. Less recoil makes it easier to be more accurate with follow-up shots, which you will need, in order to put down a horde, or troop, or murder, or zamboni... whatever the official designation for a large group of these things is.
and like the various candidates for your biological father, the 10/22 comes in many different sizes and colors
Bonus: you can pack 1000 rounds of .22lr in the same space you'd fit a single MRE (Meal - Ready to Eat) ration pack.
THIS is Dog... not that barking zombie snack your wife puts in her purse
Man's best friend will still be his bro after society collapses; hell, dogs and dudes have been bros since before we had car windows and nylon chew toys. And unlike your shitty brother-in-law, a well-loved dog will lay down its life for you when the time comes.
A decent-sized dog of the right breed, with the right training, can see and smell threats you'd otherwise miss, help you hunt small game, and even carry a decent bit of gear with the right harness.
where do you think you're going to carry all the crap we've mentioned in this list in the first place... this isn't Skyrim, ************
As we said, the effectiveness of a dog as a weapon in a Zombie Apocalypse situation largely depends on the both the breed, and the training. Even the "right" breed, without the right training, is really no good to you as anything other than extra protein. So what's the "right" breed? Pretty much anything large enough to take down a full grown man, hearty enough to survive outdoors in all four seasons, and smart enough to not be a liability by calling attention to itself, or letting any unknown person or former-person, wander into your area.
For the some of the same reasons we started this list with a Glock handgun - ubiquitous use by law enforcement - the German or Belgian Shepherds are at the top of this list. Also worthy of consideration, the Molosser breeds such as Mastiff, Rottweiler, Cane Corso, Dogo Argentino (pictured at the top of this section), or even American Pit Bull Terrier, all qualify, given their ancestral history as the proverbial "dogs of war". Boxers, however, despite being in this group, should be disregarded because they're fucking stupid, stupid animals.
adorable, but dumber than a TSA employee
#1 Boar Spear
yes, the #1 weapon in a Zombie Apocalypse is something you've never seen in a Hollywood production... gee, I wonder why. could it be that virtually nobody in the entertainment business knows jack **** about military tactics? You don't say... *CAGEFACE*
And now we've reached the zenith of this list of things you should probably have around your house in case of a Zombie Apocalypse. But this whole time we've been using "Zombie Apocalypse" as a euphemism for large-scale civil disturbance and/or social breakdown. Which aside from masturbatory gear fetishism, is the only purpose in composing a list like this anyway. (Except for getting more visitors on this website, by you sharing this article because you found it both informative and entertaining, or because you want to use it to make fun of your dumbass friends and their dumbass opinions... something Bullshido excels at.)
So with that reality interlude now over, why of all the weapons we could have chosen to be at the top of this list, why, pray tell, did we select this one? Well, a few reasons.
First, like the Katana, it doesn't run out of ammunition. But unlike the Katana, it doesn't require decades of training to learn how to make. This means if the damn thing breaks, you don't need to go on an epic quest and apprentice yourself to a legendary master to replace the fucking thing. It is literally a long, pointy stick; albeit with a bit of a cross bar to keep the business end from traveling too far into the undead's head making it difficult to extract quickly in a multiple attacker scenario.
the cross piece that keeps the spear from penetrating too deeply is called an "Arschloch". When combined with the spear point, it's called the "Blvdes Arschloch".
Second, and most importantly, the Phalanx. If you've never seen 300, or Troy, or you dropped out of school in the 6th grade, or you never played any strategy game, or you... you get the point. The Phalanx was the most effective formation in military history up to that point. Alexander used it to smash through the Persians all the way to India and carve out one of the largest empires in Human history.
Why would group tactics matter, in a situation where you're off on your own, surviving in a hostile world out to tear you to shreds?
Because loners don't last. Humans are tribal creatures; we thrive in small bands with strong ties where we can make the most of individual skills to benefit the group. And most importantly, that tribe takes care of each other when a member is injured.
If the entire world has gone to ****, if life has become a living hell, and you don't find a group of people that have your back, you won't have to worry about being killed by the undead; you'll die of a twisted ankle or a bout of diarrhea.
And that leads us to...
Weapon #0: Social Skills
Zombies have friends they run around with, and so should you
Ahh yes, this is the Achilles heel of many in the SHTF or Prepper communities; the one weapon you can't buy down at Bubba's Guns and Bait, and unarguably the most important tool in anyone's arsenal, be it a Zombie Apocalypse or a Suburban Weekend.
The soul-crushing reality for a lot of preppers is that some of them are attracted to the "pastime" because they're sincerely hoping a disaster happens, the social order is upended, and all the people who made fun of them for being the weird/creepy/smelly/pantsless kid in High School, will die horrible deaths while their preparedness propels them to the top of the pile.
Unfortunately, just like it's pretty much a fantasy that The World As We Know It is coming to an end any time soon, it's also a fantasy that people with no social skills in the current world would somehow be in a better position in a world to come.
If you can't make friends with the guy in line behind you at the sporting goods store when you're both patiently waiting your turn to be checked out, you're certainly not going to be able to talk that guy out of stabbing you in the asshole when you're in there desperately scavenging for the last pack of Cliff Bars.
lonely people don't survive against the zombie hordes