The Neolympics

[ChuckWepner]

Not original but fairly awesome and comes with pre-written theme music:

SKEET SURFIN', "Cause it's totally bitchin', Ridin waves & shootin' pigeons!"

[Chili Pepper]

And how could we neglect Botaoshi?

[ChuckWepner]

There are many Olympic events that would be hugely enhanced and could perhaps make the Neolympics just by adding defense. When my mother and sisters were enthralled by the Ice Dancing, it seemed to me it would be so much better with hard-checking defensemen released periodically from chutes. Degree of difficulty would finally mean something.

Or golf: wouldn't it be more interesting if an axe-wielding man in a hockey mask charged out of the woods toward the player once he reached his ball? Get the shot off before Axey gets to you or your round is over, for good. And every so often, a sandtrap hides quicksand, or if that can't be engineered, trapdoors over a drop into a pit of vipers or something.

For archery, competitors wear (only) each other's target. Fencing is an easy fix: no protective gear, no buttons, fully sharpened blades, drop the wimpy rules. Speedskaters have to cope with occasional fishing lines being pulled taut across the course.

Swimming is obvious: deadly sea creatures of all different kinds in the pool as appropriate for each event. If Johnny Weismuller could make the transition from wimpy Olympic swimming to fighting alligators and giant snakes underwater as Tarzan, then so can Michael Phelps. If we still want running, OK, but your going to be chased, and if you lose, you lose.

Also, and this is perhaps the scariest of all: no handout of thousands of free condoms to the participants in the Neolympic Compound ("village" is too wimpy); everyone rides bareback for the full two weeks, no exceptions.

[Scrapper]

The "Roosevelt"Pentathlon:

3 rounds boxing followed by 6 minutes sub-grappling followed by 6,000-vertical-foot mountain climb. Then the participant has to deliver a speech after getting shot with a small caliber pistol, and finish with a cavalry charge up a well-fortified hill.

Winner gets to be president.

[ChuckWepner]

I feel like Scrapper has me cornered, and its not a good feeling!

[W. Rabbit]

Seal clubbing

Baby seal clubbing. There is a difference...smaller targets are more sporting.

[Permalost]

Bobsled fencing, both parallel and head-on

Buzkashi:


Bo-Taoshi:


Synchronized marksmanship

[Raving&Drooling]

Wrestling in zero gravity.

[Permalost]

Jai Alai Dodgeball

[Vieux Normand]

I could care less about wrestling but Thank God they kept Speed Walking.

Knee-oh-limp-prick version: competitive goose-stepping.

Forget that half-hearted Nazi and Soviet ****--only Pyongyang post-nuke hopalong stylists need apply.