The Neolympics

**Holy Moment** · Posted On: 2/13/2013 11:14pm

With the recent elimination of the oldest sport in existence from the 2020 Olympics, the IOC has made it very clear what direction they want this event to go. It won't be long before rhythmic circle-jerking supplants track-and-field and all medal winners will be declared by viewers' texted votes. With that mind, I think we here should take it upon ourselves to create a new international sporting event for the betterment of mankind. Instead of promoting peace and unity, however, the purpose of our event will simply be to promote raw badassery in the collective population of the globe. Here are my proposed events, please feel free to contribute your own:

Wrestling (Three divisions: Greco-Roman, Freestyle, and Oil)

Judo (With leg takedowns)

Boxing (Pro rules)

Pankration (With Cestus)

Bullfighting (One-on-one, none of that **** where guys on horseback get to weaken the bull with spears first)

Whale hunting (With canoes and spears)

Mantrapping

Instead of racewalking, Oldschool Pedestrianism (Athletes have to walk across the entire host country)

Taktarov Marathon (Athletes must race a marathon's distance through the jungle with a burst appendix)

Killdozer Joust

Anbo-Jyutsu

Piracy

Javelin and Shot Put Catching

Microlight Air Dueling

Decathlon:

Day 1

- 100 metre hot coal army crawl
- Tank shooting
- Asphyxiation endurance
- Manual building destruction
- 2000 metre fall

Day 2

- Collapsed mine escape
- Sperm count
- Hippopotamus bowhunting
- Bait eating
- Last man standing free-for-all

What you got?

**Volya** · Posted On: 2/14/2013 12:54am

HAhahah, ****. Started so seriously then exploded with awesomeness.

Horse Hunt?

**The_Beak** · Posted On: 2/14/2013 1:18am

I could care less about wrestling but Thank God they kept Speed Walking.
http://s3-ec.buzzfed.com/static/enha...44098406-4.gif

Could you imagine an Olympic games without speedwalking? It would be a travesty.

http://www.buzzfeed.com/ktlincoln/th...alking-in-gifs

**Mr. Machette** · Posted On: 2/14/2013 1:21am

Moose Punching

"Olympic" Carjacking (no clothes)

Ferret Legging

German Fetish Decathlon

"The Kardashian Guantlet"

X-treme Chess (Vale Tudo Rule Set)

**DarkPhoenix** · Posted On: 2/14/2013 7:56am

Originally Posted by Mr. Machette

"The Kardashian Guantlet"

The gold for this event goes to the person with the most STDs at end of the trials.

Full contact beer pong

Rancor Wrangling (No Jedi powers allowed! This is an amateur sporting event after all)

Syncronised masturbation

**SmH** · Posted On: 2/14/2013 8:40am

Double-bear-club-choke-athon:

You get an average-weight grizzly-bear tied to each of you hands. You then have to knock out one of the bears, using the other bear as a club and apply the knocked out bear to the formerly-club-bear to choke him out.

**Diesel_tke** · Posted On: 2/14/2013 9:27am

The drunk tri-cycle race from Revenge of the Nerds.

**Cake of Doom** · Posted On: 2/14/2013 9:34am

Seal clubbing

American Pie franchise endurance watch. Winner takes all.

**Chili Pepper** · Posted On: 2/14/2013 9:42am

I'm going to throw in some suggestions for the Neolympics Winter Games

Biathalon Bobsled - the guy in the back isn't doing anything after the initial push. Let's give him a rifle and have him snipe targets at 100 km/h. Hell, make it a full-auto rifle, for added **** yeah.

Freestyle Skiing Biathalon - what's that you say? I could have sworn you said "it's an awesome idea to give the skiier a rifle, and snipe targets while simultaneously nailing a spinning somersault after being launched high in the air" ... and you'd be right.

And while we're messing with the definition of biathalon, let's remind the sport itself of its military roots; change the shape of the track into a figure-8, and allow competitors to take out their rivals as they pass.