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How to Survive Black Friday: A guide by Bullshido
Your gut is filled with dead bird and pie and you're desperate to save big money on the latest [THING PEOPLE BUY] by standing in line in the wee hours of the dark. But you also don't want to get knifed in the ass by a Halo player who needs a new monitor and isn't going to let a douchebag like you get in her way.
So what do you do?
Just follow these simple steps:
1. Arrive Last Week
modern day pioneers, these
That's right, if you want to absolutely ensure you get first crack at the delicious, savory deals, you'd better be reading this via the wifi that's seeped out from the store whose deals you're stalking.
By arriving last week, you'll not only be at the head of the line, your negligible personal hygiene will ensure nobody tries to get past you... or close to you.
2. Dress in Motorcycle Armor
Radio Shack? Bitch, this is Thunderdome!
With the number of violent incidents every Black Friday, it's absolutely essential for you to be proactive when it comes to ensuring you don't get shanked or trampled to death.
And unless you're in some component of the military or law enforcement like the author of this article, chances are you haven't gotten your hands on any individual body armor.
smugly ensconced in that luxurious Kevlar™
In that case, you can always try a Phil Elmore-approved "Stab Vest"
3. Bring a Baby
carrying configuration of said baby entirely up to you
If it's one thing Americans (and American'ts, aka Canadians) love, it's babies. Having a baby with you will ensure people give you a wide berth while you enter the store without any worries.
If your miniature human is on the outside of your uterus, never fear. Strollers give you the advantage of creating a greater footprint in a crowded area; they extend your "personal space" by several feet, and also provide for an excellent means of gently nudging people out of the way.
might we suggest this model, available at Bass Pro
4. Carry Pepper Spray
Look, you have to defend yourself, especially if that [PERSON OF DIFFERING ETHNICITY OR RELIGION] is trying to steal from you the last copy of Hitman Absolution that's totally yours sitting right there in the bottom of the box oh GOD MOVE OUT OF THE WAY IT'S MINE!
In most areas Pepper Spray is perfectly legal, and with its ability to clear an entire room, you'll ensure that people give you an even wider berth than if you were pregnant or pushing a stroller. In fact, if you double up on tips 3 and 4, you'll bedouble-extra-safe.
5. Don't Fucking Go To Black Friday
Are you retarded, or just a consumer sociopath? There's no damn reason why anyone without an NFL level of brain trauma would subject themselves to this stupidity when virtually all of the same deals are available on the Internet, without risk of being trampled or stabbed.