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TLC: Douchebag of the Month
Let's start by confessing that I put off writing this for the same reasons anyone would put off cleaning Saturday night's vomit off Sunday morning's floor. And now that a lot of the hubbub over this has died down, any decent editor of a respectable online media outlet would be giving me grief for missing the crest of a publicity wave.
Simply put, sometimes I just don't have the stomach to get myself into the mental state needed to bang out hundreds of words on a subject that makes me consider alcoholism as a productive use of my free time. And sure, as a consequence, Bullshido might not be your best source for the most recent news and views on whatever it is that happens to be currently tickling the rectum of society.
I'm fine with that, really. And it's only partly because I have a low opinion of what rustles society's jimmies and the people who make a living off of taking advantage of it. The other part is because writing about douchebags is one of those Nietzscheian "battling with monsters/staring into the abyss" sorts of things. Or, to put it more plainly, if you go traipsing through the sewers looking for rats, you shouldn't complain when you get **** in your socks.
So it shouldn't surprise you in the least when I explain that the first draft of this article was going to be nothing more than a title, a tagline, and the following:
And that was going to be the entire article. Hell, as I type this, it still might if I get too damn fed up with the situation.
If you don't have any clue what I'm talking about, bless you. May you have many sons and daughters and may your children's children inherit the Earth. Because the motherfuckers who are responsible for this being on television, from the studio executives to the lowliest Key Grip, to the individuals themselves, all deserve the kind of contempt reserved for people who put glass shards in Halloween candy or tell children that dinosaur bones are a test of their faith.
You see, way back in days of old when Science and America were BFFs, also known as the 1970's, there used to be this wonderful organization called "Nah Suh". That wasn't how you spelled it though; it was some kid of faggy abbreviation that meant something to do with space and rockets and orange drink but you get the point.
look at all this old bullshit
Anyway, those annoying nerds thought it was a good idea to use all their space **** to beam a TV channel down that was about learning. You know, so we wouldn't be so fucking retarded. This kind of thing used to be important to 'Mericans, for some reason. Don't ask me why.
But as time went by and 3 tv stations became 57, became 400, became 21000 (you should see my cable bill), "Learning" just wasn't good enough to keep people's attention. Why watch a two hour documentary on something boring like dinosaurs or volcanoes, when there's a guy making a NASCAR cake for a bratty kid?
that frosting? yeah, it's made out of brain cells
Sometime around the late 1990's, The Learning Channel came to the conclusion that "learning was for fags and we should do more cool stuff1". They also apparently partnered up with the same marketing agency which decided mentioning that your chicken was both "fried" and "from Kentucky" was too complicated an idea to communicate to consumers. And thus "The Learning Channel" became "TLC".
And thus again, we have a TV show featuring a family of fat assholes for us to watch and all feel better about our own shitty lives. At least we're not them, right? Haha, what loser rednecks.
TLC, "you", and everyone that watches your shitty channel, are douchebags. It may very well not be your fault that you had to change your programming to ensure profitability for your shareholders, but I still feel safe to lob the douche grenade directly in the laps of those at your institution that make their living greasing the slope of western culture's downward slide towards stupidity.
1. Not an actual quote.