Dear Red States:
We're ticked off at your Neanderthal attitudes and politics and we've
decided we're leaving.
We in New York intend to form our own country and we're taking the other
Blue States with us.
In case you aren't aware that includes California, Hawaii, Oregon,
Washington, Minnesota, Wisconsin, Michigan, Illinois and the rest of the
We believe this split will be beneficial to the nation and especially to the
people of the new country of The Enlightened States of America (E.S.A).
To sum up briefly:
You get Texas, Oklahoma and all the slave states.
We get stem cell research and the best beaches.
We get Andrew Cuomo and Elizabeth Warren. You get Bobby Jindal and Todd
We get the Statue of Liberty. You get OpryLand.
We get* Intel* and Microsoft. You get WorldCom.
We get Harvard (*Princeton, Penn, Haverford, Colgate, U of R)*,. You get
We get 85 percent of America's venture capital and entrepreneurs.
You get Alabama.
We get two-thirds of the tax revenue. You get to make the red states pay
their fair share.
Since our aggregate divorce rate is 22 percent lower than the Christian
Coalition's, we get a bunch of happy families. You get a bunch of single
With the Blue States in hand we will have firm control of 80% of the
country's fresh water, more than 90% of the pineapple and lettuce, 92% of
the nation's fresh fruit, *95% of America's quality wines* (you can serve
French wines at state dinners) 90% of all cheese, 90 percent of the high
tech industry, most of the US low sulfur coal, all living redwoods, sequoias
and condors, all the Ivy and Seven Sister schools plus Harvard,
Yale, Stanford, Cal Tech and MIT.
With the Red States you will have to cope with 88% of all obese Americans
and their projected health care costs, 92% of all US mosquitoes, nearly 100%
of the tornadoes, 90% of the hurricanes, 99% of all Southern Baptists,
virtually 100% of all televangelists, Rush Limbaugh, Bob Jones University,
Clemson and the University of Georgia.
We get Hollywood and Yosemite, thank you.
38% of those in the Red states believe Jonah was actually swallowed by a
whale, 62% believe life is sacred unless we're discussing the death penalty
or gun laws, 44% say that evolution is only a theory, 53% that Saddam was
involved in 9/11 and 61% of you crazy bastards believe you are people with
higher morals than we lefties.
We're taking the good weed too. You can have that crap they grow in Mexico.
Citizen of the Enlightened States of America