The best thing that has ever happened to me

***battlefields*** · Posted On: 10/31/2012 6:33pm

On this day in 2010 I found myself on a couch at a mates place with little to no idea what I had done for the previous 24 hours, with the last 16 hours being complete blackout, still drunk, and with the hangover sickness closing in fast. I managed to find my way home to an empty house, my fiancee had left me because she couldn't take another night not knowing if I would come home, worrying that she would have to go to the hospital again, or worse, a cop shop, or worse, the morgue. I raided the medicine cabinet and found an oxycontin and shoved it down my throat, it was a slow release tablet, one that would "last" for 16 hours. I didn't care, I needed something, anything, to put off feeling, feeling anything. Before it had even made it to my stomach a realisation dawned on me: I was an addict alcoholic.

This was not how I wanted to live my life.

I began to take stock and it wasn't pretty. I was 28 years old and my biggest achievements seemed to be establishing myself as an integral part of the Western Sydney underground hip hop scene in my late teens and early 20s, then all but dropping out of the scene, then being a drug dealer connected to bikie gangs, then working in Australia's most violent nightspot while high and drunk, then working 9-5 as a slave to the wage in a job I couldn't stand that was going nowhere and I knew it. These were the things that I held as indicators of my place in this world. A junkie criminal rapper in dead end employment. Where did it all go wrong?

I had my first drunk, not drink, drunk, when I was 9 years old. I was regularly getting sauced by the age of 13 along with other substances. Every so often I would blackout and when I came to, nobody wanted to know me. Apparently I was an arsehole in blackout. And guess what I did to block out the shame of being this arsehole while in blackout?

The drink and the drugs took me to worlds that I should not have been in, took me to places I should not have known and showed me things I should not have seen. It began as a way to party with friends, but as it progressed, as it removed, as it destroyed, it could only end with me being alone. It could only end with me being broken. And it had to end.

So here I was, the 1st of November, 2010, reflecting on my life and where I went wrong. I'd known it since I was a teenager, I'd known it my whole life. Everyone, friends, family, counsellors, people on the street, everyone told me I "drank too much, did too many drugs". Everyone. And I gave them the finger. But here I was, alone, listening to everyones' words said with my voice.

I drank too much, I did too many drugs.

My passions, martial arts, writing and music, all suffered immeasurably. I hadn't recorded a new song in years, all my writings were self congratulatory bullshit about my criminality. I never wanted that to be my music. My lyrics were deep, thought provoking, cerebral, not angry for the sake of anger, bolstering a false pride in living a thug's life, but that is what they had become. I had deluded myself. My martial arts had suffered, I would have focus for a few months, sometimes just weeks, after a blackout where I would be contrite about my actions during, I would commit to a routine and when I was committed, I would find I progressed rapidly. I would reward that progression the only way I knew how to reward myself. And that reward would destroy whatever progress I had made.

I landed opportunity after opportunity and laid waste to them all.

So I decided to quit drinking. It was a decision I had made in the past, but had kept an asterisk next to it, *but I'll smoke pot when I need it. This always lead to more of the same. So instead of just quitting drinking this time, I quit all substances that could alter my consciousness.

Two years ago today marked the beginning of my life. A life where I now help charities to raise much needed funds, a life where I write intellectually on topics that are still dark but provide an insight for hope, a life where I am progressing in martial arts slowly but surely, a life where I face all my problems, all of my many, many problems, standing tall, head on and with a fucking smile on my face, a life where I am respected, a life where I am revered. A life where I reward myself with more of my life.

I am stronger than ever. I am proud of who I am.

Two years of sobriety is the best thing that ever happened to me.

**ermghoti** · Posted On: 10/31/2012 7:07pm

Congrats! I've known too many who could never really allow themselves that realization.

**Mr.Miyagi** · Posted On: 10/31/2012 7:09pm

**** yeah, man. Iron will to come through that stuff and crawl back up from the bottom of that pit.

I'm glad I met you, and train with you, heh. You awesome, funny bastard.

Stay on track, keep in mind how far you've come, what you've achieved, and never let the small **** get in your way.

**bigato** · Posted On: 10/31/2012 7:17pm

Being honest with yourself is key to knowing yourself and having discipline. It seems you fit the bill. Keep rocking!

**cualltaigh** · Posted On: 10/31/2012 7:22pm

^ I second that Mr.Miyagi!

On the drive down to Brisvegas this morning I was just discussing with my Brother in law how strange it is how things just seem to work out. Your venture up north this year seemed to coincide almost exactly with things really heading south in our family and i am defintiley glad you're now a queenslander! I've certainly drawn inspiration from your strength and resolve nad it has helped me through.

But there remains only two questions:
1. When are you two mofo's coming up to Cooltown for a roll?
2. When are we doing an SEQ TD?

***battlefields*** · Posted On: 10/31/2012 7:28pm

Good questions, cualltaigh. I suppose if we are to come up to Cooltown, we'll have to organise a weekend for it, accommodation, etc. No use being on the Sunshine Coast and not taking in some sunshine!

About the SEQ TD, we should wait until we've moved to the new premises. Bigger area and a cage, **** yeah. Should be happening in the next few weeks, so maybe we look at the first week of January.

And really appreciate both you and Miyagi for everything you guys have done for me in this new and strange land.

**cualltaigh** · Posted On: 10/31/2012 7:38pm

Originally Posted by battlefields

Good questions, cualltaigh. I suppose if we are to come up to Cooltown, we'll have to organise a weekend for it, accommodation, etc. No use being on the Sunshine Coast and not taking in some sunshine!

About the SEQ TD, we should wait until we've moved to the new premises. Bigger area and a cage, **** yeah. Should be happening in the next few weeks, so maybe we look at the first week of January.

And really appreciate both you and Miyagi for everything you guys have done for me in this new and strange land.

Well the accommodation is the easy bit, we have two spare rooms (one with a Queen one with a single, although we do have a queen camping bed if needs be). Should try and coincide it with the Peregian Originals to get a taste of what the sunny coast has to offer!

**Volya** · Posted On: 10/31/2012 11:09pm

Congratulations!

Also, a TD would be great!

**Permalost** · Posted On: 10/31/2012 11:50pm

some questions:

1. Was your hip hop crew any good?
1a. if so, could I find them on youtube?
1b. if not, is there any good Aussie hip hop?
1c. does Aussie hip hop try to be American, or do they try to keep it Australian, mollywompin with yer mates and such?

2. During this drugs and guns stage, were you learning hapkido? A Hapkido Gangster, if you will?

3. Do you ever get cravings for booze, drugs etc?

4. I seem to recall you mentioning that you got into crystal. Is this what put it over the edge? I ask because I've known it to happen to folks around here.

5. you've mentioned you've gotten into _____core lately, after becoming sober. Are you becoming one of those straight edge pricks?

***battlefields*** · Posted On: 11/01/2012 12:11am

Originally Posted by Permalost

some questions:

1. Was your hip hop crew any good?
1a. if so, could I find them on youtube?
1b. if not, is there any good Aussie hip hop?
1c. does Aussie hip hop try to be American, or do they try to keep it Australian, mollywompin with yer mates and such?

We were ahead of our time, yes, we were very fucking good, you can find my mate who I started SainAZilum with, who has since produced for Bone Thugs, Onyx and many others. His name is BDon, a name I coined. He will still credit me and I have recorded with him in the last year. My name was Tha MAZire. People used to call me MAZ and I was angry, hence the 'ire'. Here he is with another of my boys, MiZi: http://www.facebook.com/pages/B-Don-...69854526369980

I liked to be a lot darker in my rhyme, with a darker edge to my music as well.

Fun fact, BDon and I played in several metal/ nu metal bands in high school.

There's nothing on youtube from that era, this was early 2000s and the scene was, shall we say, very niche in Australia, internet wasn't the same as elsewhere, dial up was still common. The catch cry among most people was "Aussies shouldn't rap".

2. During this drugs and guns stage, were you learning hapkido? A Hapkido Gangster, if you will?

Nah, Hapkido was after my stint at the nightspot.

3. Do you ever get cravings for booze, drugs etc?

All the time. I'm an alcoholic addict and the moment I forget that is the moment I'm in trouble. I just have better things to do with my life now.

4. I seem to recall you mentioning that you got into crystal. Is this what put it over the edge? I ask because I've known it to happen to folks around here.

Meth was around the transition from hip hop to bikie world. Facilitated the transition, actually. I fell in with some dudes that dealt through hip hop, I started to deal more intently (had done some smaller stuff in the past), you know, living "da real life", **** went down hill, music dropped off as the "real" became all encompassing, next thing I know I'm surrounded by heavies and that became my life.

Detoxed by drinking and smoking copious amounts of weed.

5. you've mentioned you've gotten into _____core lately, after becoming sober. Are you becoming one of those straight edge pricks?

Nah, looked into it, but found a bunch of whiny pussies.