The Chuck Norris Diamond Eating Sutra
Thus have I heard
One time when the Chuck Norris was staying in the Vietnamese Prison Camp
by the Jet Field
With a community of 1,250 Norrisatvas, fully ordained ass kickers
That day, when it was time to make rounds for ass kicking
The Chuck Norris put on his uzi and his USA bandana
And went into the jungles of Viet Nam to kick some ass
He then returned to the prison camp
To eat his mid-day bowl of diamonds
He then put away his Uzi and USA bandana
Arranged his jean jacket,
And sat down.
At that time, the Venerable Chev Chelios stood up,
Bared his right shoulder while touching two live wires
Put his knee on the ground where it touched a piece of metal
To recharge his AbioCor heart which only lasts 60 minutes,
And folding his palms respecfully he said to the Chuck Norris
World Honored One, it is rare to find someone like you.
You always support and show confidence in the Norrisatvas.
World Honored One, if sons and daughters of good families
Want to give rise to the highest, most fulfilling ass kicking,
What should they rely on, and what should they do to master kicking ass?
The Chuck Norris replied,
Well said, Chev Chelios, what you say is absolutely correct
The Chuck Norris shows special confidence in the Norrisatvas
Now listen with all your attention, and the Kicker of Ass will reply to your question.
If daughters and sons of good families want to give rise to the highest, most fulfilled ass
They should rely on the following, and master their ass kicking in the following manner
The venerable Chev Chelios said
Great One, we are so happy to hear of your ass kicking
The Chuck Norris said to Chev Chelios
This is how the Norrisatva Kick-assatvas master their ass kicking
However many species of living being there are-
whether born from eggs, from the womb, from moisture, or spontaneously;
Whether they have form or do not have form;
Whether they have perception or do not have perception;
or whether it can not be said of them that they have or do not have perception,
We must kick the asses of all these beings
And when the innumerable, immeasurable, infinite number of these beings asses has been kicked,
We do not in truth think that a single ass has been kicked
Why is this so?
If, Chev Chelios, a Norrisatva holds on to the notion of one single ass, one single enemy, one
single life span
That person is not an authentic Norrisatva.