Posted On:8/12/2012 8:57am
Guy Who Pays the Bills and Gets the Death Threats Style: MMA (Retired)
(This is an example review, buttholes).
Last week my friend Stuart (from the trailer park) and I were looking for a place to learn how to do the chop-socky stuff. You see, Elma Jenkins' husband ran out on her and a bunch of strange men have been coming around to make her feel better about it I guess.
Anyway, the biggest of them is a guy named "Ted", with a two-tone F-250 and a mustache that'd scare Baby Jesus. We know his name is Ted because he's got it airbrushed on the tailgate of said F-250. And Ted apparently doesn't like us very much.
Well long story short, Ted caught us peeking through Mrs. Elma's window while he was having a visit there. We're not exactly sure what we was looking at, but he was dressed all in a black shiny costume like some kind of spaceman with a speech predicament because he had a zipper over his mouth. They must have been playing "Cops and Spacemen", because Mrs. Elma had a big black stick she was poking him with. Guess he had double-parked his flying saucer or something.
But yeah, long story short he come running out of the trailer with a broomstick and chased us all the way to Morgan Lake park. And it scared the Pougkeepsie out of us, if you know what I mean. (That joke never gets old.)
And that's why we went looking for some place that would teach us self defense against spacemen and long-haul truckers named Ted. We found Poughkeepsie Power Sports
The school is run by Rick "Smacktion" Jackson. Among his many credentials and trophies laying around the basement dojo which he shares with his step-kids' lego sets, are two man-shaped punching bags. Funny thing, they're also dressed up like spacemen. That was the first sign that this was the place for us, because spacemen are apparently a huge threat in this part of town and the adults want to keep it a secret from us. Stuart thinks Mrs. Elma is the commander of an underground spaceman defense team. He says he's seen lots of spacemen poking going on at her trailer where I just saw the one time with Ted.
Sensei Rick looked embarrassed and tried to to take the space suits off the dummies, but we let him know it was ok and he could leave them on because we were "in on it too". He looked confused for a minute but then shrugged and we got busy with training.
After being left on our own to do warm-ups, we were getting sweaty - it was pretty hot in that basement - and we hear a familiar-sounding rumble pull up to the front of the house. Stuart looks out the basement window and sees the F-250. Ted's jeans and Wolverine work boots were coming up the walkway. After a few minutes of muffled laughter upstairs, the basement door opened. Stuart looked at me, and I whispered "Poughkeepsie". He snorted.
I'm not going to go into the rest of this, our ratings speak for themselves. Rick explained to Ted that we "knew about the spacemen" and so we were sworn to secrecy about the neighborhood defense program. As you can tell by our ratings, we were given a lot of full contact training with various stick weapons, long and short and that left us very sore: Stuart still can't walk right because the training was so hard.
We're going back next Saturday night, when Rick and Ted say there's going to be a "Meeting of the... uhh... Defense Council" with a lot of the neighborhood adults, even Mrs. Elma.
It's nice to be trusted with such a great secret, even if it's been hard to Poughkeepsie.
Posted On:9/02/2012 11:31pm
I actually work in Poughkeepsie and I so wish this was true.
Posted On:9/02/2012 11:40pm
Style: BJJ/ MMA/ MT
This has got me real interested in sci fi and stick weapons.
Originally Posted by The Juggernoob
Bro, you are just the broist of bro's sometimes.
Originally Posted by Mr. Machette
Ups to Battlefields for dropping the sage wisdom.
You are like a Pimp Yoda.
GET A RED BELT OR DIE TRYIN'.
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