A man wakes his wife up at 4:00am and says honey, It's time to go duck hunting. The wife says it's too fucking cold and too fucking early, I don't want to go duck hunting. The husband says, tough ****. You promised me three weeks ago that you were going to go duck hunting now let's go.
The wife then says, can't we reach some sort of a comprimise? Cause I really don't want to go duck hunting. The man thinks about it for a second and says, okay, If you give me a blow job then you don't have to go duck hunting.
So she starts sucking his dick and after a moment she says honey your dick tastes ****. He says, yeah well the dog didn't want to go duck hunting either.
What do Catholic Priests and Acne have in common?
They both start to cum on your face at around age 13
Dude, it's gonna suck when that douche runs out of money and stops paying rent because he's unemployed. Good luck with that, you poor bastard.
Yeah, this may be a good time to start looking for a new roommate.
Sorry, I have an education.
Originally Posted by gregaquaman
Ronnie is in his mid 30s and a bit of a workaholic. He and his wife's sex life has been suffering lately due to his work schedule and he feels she may be cheating on him. One night, Ronnie decides to go out to find a woman that can "truly appreciate him."
Ronnie pulls up to a bar he used to frequent when he was younger and walks inside. As he starts to near the bar he sees a bucket on the bar with a sign that says, "For sale 50$." Intrigued, Ronnie goes to investigate. When he looks inside the bucket, he sees a bullfrog sitting in a little bit of water. Confused, Ronnie calls over the bartender.
Ronnie: "How the hell do you think you're gonna sell this bullfrog for 50$? Is this some kind of joke?"
Bartender: "No sir, this is no joke. That bullfrog will give you the best blowjob of your life!"
Ronnie: "hahaha, I think I'll stick to women."
Well the night nears its end and poor Ronnie hasn't had any luck with the women. He's pretty hammered by this point, so he calls the bartender back over.
Ronnie: "So this bullfrog can suck a mean dick, eh?"
Bartender: "Better than any woman!"
Ronnie: "****, I'll take it."
The next morning, Ronnie's wife wakes up and hears pots and pans and all kinds of racket coming from the kitchen. She goes to investigate and finds Ronnie, half naked, with a bullfrog in her kitchen. There are pots and pans everywhere and flour all over the walls and stove.
Wife: "What the **** do you think you're doing??"
Ronnie: "Once I teach this bullfrog how to make biscuits, your ass is out here!"
How the **** did the Pope show up????? and what did she tell him?
i have a little joke:
How do you get to third base with your heterosexual friend? you take him to a bjj class.
(it's not very good but it's mine!!)
How do you convince that friend to give you a blow job? you say your gonna take him to class again but this time you drop a j.
Did someone say frog jokes?
Originally Posted by itwasntme
Little Johnny walks into a whore house dragging a dead frog on a string. He goes up to the madam and says he wants a whore with active herpes.
The madam asks why he wants a girl with herpes.
Little Johnny replies, "I'm going to **** that whore and get herpes. Then I'm going to go home and **** my babysitter and give her herpes. My Dad will come home tonight, **** the babysitter and he'll get herpes. Tonight he'll **** my Mom and give her herpes. Tomorrow morning Dad will leave for work and the milkman will come. Mom will **** him and give him herpes. And he's the ************ who killed my frog."
Three priests enter a bus station. They gather their money, and agree to send one with the money to purchase their fare to Pennsylvania.
As the first priest approaches the counter, a person who is unmistakeably a prostitute, in a nearly sheer, sloppily low tube dress, sidles up to him, grinning both slyly and silently. Perspiring, the priest maintains his path to the counter, and stammers to the young girl working the register, "I'd like three tickets to Tittsburgh." Immediately realizing his slip, he coughs an apology and flees to the group.
The remaining priests sympathize with his plight, and agree to send the second priest. The prostitute, amused to no end by the previous encounter, works the second priest even more brazenly. As sweat oozes from his crimson face, he grits his teeth, and carefully enunciates, "I'd like three tickets to Pitts. Burgh." He releases a relieved sigh, but then realizes he's not specified his need for coins. He quickly blurts out "I'd like the change in nipples and dimes!" Aghast and ashamed, he retreats to the other two.
Finally, the last, and most senior of the group, steels himself, and marches purposefully for the counter. The sadistically gleeful prostitute now launches into a routine rarely seen outside on Madonna videos or BJJ studios. Nearly panting, the priest intones, slowly, but smoothly, "I'd like three tickets to Pittsburgh, and I'd like the change in nickles and dimes, please.
I always forget the punchline. It kind of sucks actually, considering the build up.
"Your body must be like a stone, your mind... like a meatloaf."
Originally Posted by strikistanian
Originally Posted by Devil
Originally Posted by ermghoti
A monkey grabs some olives off the bar and eats them. Then he grabs some sliced limes and eats them.
He then jumps onto the pool table and grabs one of the balls. To everyone's amazement, he sticks it in his mouth, and somehow swallows it whole. The bartender looks at the guy and says, "Did you see what your monkey just did?"
"He just ate the cue ball off my pool table... whole!"
"Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replied the guy, "he eats everything in sight. Don't worry, I'll pay for the cue ball."
The guy finishes his drink, pays his bill, pays for the stuff the monkey ate and leaves.
Two weeks later the guy is back, and has his monkey with him. He orders a drink and the monkey starts running around the bar. The monkey finds a maraschino cherry on the bar. He grabs it, sticks it up his butt, pulls it out, and eats it.
Then the monkey finds a peanut, and again sticks it up his butt, pulls it out, and eats it.
The bartender asks, "Did you see what your monkey did just now?"
"No, what?" replied the man.
"Well, he stuck both a maraschino cherry and a peanut up his butt, pulled them out, and ate them!" said the bartender.
"Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replied the guy. "He still eats everything in sight, but ever since he had to **** that cue ball out, he measures everything first now."
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