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  1. battlefields is offline
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    Posted On:
    8/06/2012 10:54am

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     Style: BJJ/ MMA/ MT

    --
    Hell yeah! Hell no!

    Know-it-alls: A Rant About My D-bag Housemate.

    I arrive home this evening to find my housemate on the balcony smoking a cigarette with the door wide open. A few things wrong with this scene: firstly, it's a no smoking house, secondly, I don't smoke, thirdly, I only recently quit, fourthly, I have requested on a number of occasions that the door be closed because fifthly, for some reason the apartment seems to instantly smell of the **** and it somehow permeates the communal stairwell as well, which leads back to the "firstly". Now, I don't care about the fact that he smokes on the balcony, **** him, if he wants to kill his lungs, go for it. Just shut the fucking door.

    So he's on the phone as I walk in, smoking and as I'm closing the door I said, "dude, for ****'s sake, if you're smoking, shut the door!" Fortunately he had just started the smoke so the smell in the house was minimal, but still, have some fucking respect. So I'm cruising around doing my just got home routine of being awesome which is a part of my daily regime anyway, but I just so happen to fit it in then as well, when the prick has the nerve to try and justify it.

    "How's your timing?" he said in that obnoxious Irish accent that I can't fucking reproduce and I wish I could so I could take the piss out of him. He continued, "how's your timing? I'd just sparked the cigarette and you walk in."

    "I don't give a ****, just shut the door, I don't smoke, I can smell it, have some fucking respect."

    Blah blah blah, he continued justifying himself. Douche.

    Bit of background, I worked with this guy until recently, when I was moving states he came to me and said it would be a good idea to move in together as he was looking for a place to live. Great, I thought, I won't have to do the legwork looking for a joint interstate. I was under the impression he was respected and liked in his role at my company. I knew he drank, as many of you know I am a recovering alcoholic, but he lead me to believe he was undertaking extra university courses that would mean he wouldn't have time for serious drinking excursions. It was a proviso when moving in that the house not be for partying, as I want to train and work and not much else. Proviso was accepted.

    When I arrived he deferred his university course, meaning he had ample time to drink. And drink he did. Two weeks ago he was fired. Apparently he wasn't that well respected and liked in the company. Turns out he had two written warnings from the company, both of them due to instances where he drunk dialed the fucking CEO . The firing occurred because he repeatedly drunk dialed a much younger female coworker and left voicemail messages. And he doesn't remember half the **** he said. He actually told me he was going to pursue legal action. I'm pretty sure he was drunk at the time.

    So here is a man ten years older than me who was already earning far less than me, now unemployed with delusions of successfully suing his former employer, who has a fucking annoying habit of acting like he knows everything. That anything you say is old hat to him and he has heard it all before, so why would you even bring it up?

    I had hired 21 Jump Street because despite having zero interest, I was told it was highly amusing and it was, to my surprise. If you've seen the movie, you'll know that there is a biker (bikie) gang called The 1 Percenters as a crucial plot point. Now, something he said in relation to the term "1%er" made me realize he was talking out his arse, so I called him on it. Some of you may know that at one stage in my wild youth, that bygone era six or seven years ago, that I was a prospect for a 1% bikie club. And here this guy was acting like he knew all about it.

    As I said, I called him on it, "dude, do you know what the 1% actually means?"

    "Yeah, course I do!" his Irish accent doing it's best to cover the fact that he knew he was doing an impression of Mozart through flatulence. At this stage, just give up, dude. Admit you don't know. It's better than being that kid in the schoolyard going, "I know, but I'm not telling you!" when asked what a blowjob is for the first time.

    "Go on, then, what is it?"

    "I don't remember exactly, but it's something to do with death, like, they're one percent away from death or something, I can't remember exactly."

    "Nup, dude, not even close."

    "Yeah, it's something to do with death..."

    Just fucking admit you don't have a clue, that this isn't something you know. I'm not going to think any less of you because you don't know a factoid about what is widely regarded as a criminal network.

    "...go on, tell me what you think it means!" and there it is, the schoolyard line that leads into "that's what I meant".

    I explain the origin of the term 1%er.

    "I was close." A variation on the "that's what I meant" trope.

    A second later he is on his computer reading, quite obviously fact checking. My facts are sound. He proceeds to get aggressive, telling me I should've helped him. Huh? Sarcastically he tells me he is sorry he can't know everything and be all knowledgeable like me.

    "Just don't talk **** on **** you don't know anything about, simple," I say, dropping the subject right there. Movie finishes, he starts a whine about me wanting to watch the other overnight rental because he has a movie he has downloaded he wants me to see called The Aristocrats, a documentary on a comedians inside joke. At first it was intriguing, I hadn't heard the joke. Then I realized I had, the doco was funny but I still had another overnight movie to watch and I was ready to hit the hay, watch my movie and be out.

    Then suddenly it hit me, one of my favourite jokes of all time and one that is so rare that every time I tell it, not only does it get legit lols, but it is almost always the first time they've heard it. I request that I be given audience before I head off, he pauses the doco and I begin.

    "So there's a boy and a priest on a boat fishing and..."

    "Where on a boat?"

    "Dude, what?"

    "Where on a boat? I did a bit of comedy in the past and I need to understand the joke, where on a boat?"

    "On a fucking lake, it doesn't matter, they're fishing, right, and the priest pulls in this huge fish, massive thing, and the young boy exclaims, 'wow, Father, that's a huge fucker', the priest is aghast and says, 'you can't use that language, young man, it is against the Lord, say ten Hail Marys to absolve you of the sin', but the boy replies, 'oh no, Father, that's what that fish is called, the breed is called a Fucker', so anyway, the priest goes back to the..."

    "Where's the boy at this stage?"

    "Huh? Don't worry about the boy, so anyway..."

    "I'm just trying to fully understand the joke, so I need to know where the boy is."

    "The boy doesn't matter anymore... So the priest goes back to the monastery..."

    "A good joke always has the people in it that it started with, it's like a priest, a rabbi and a Sikh go into a bar joke, you can't have the rest of the joke just about the rabbi and the Sikh!"

    "Are you fucking kidding me? Just listen to the fucking joke."

    "I did comedy so I know what is meant to be a good joke, I'm just trying to understand."

    "Just fucking listen alright... So the priest goes back to the monastery and sees the Bishop and says to the Bishop, 'hey Bishop, I caught this Fucker, can you clean the Fucker?' to which the Bishop replied, "Father, this is a monastery of the Lord, you can't use that language, say ten Hail Marys and absolve your sins', to which the father said, chuckling, 'oh, Bishop, this fish is actually called a Fucker, that's the name of the breed', so the Bishop cleans the fish and just as he's finishing Mother Superior walks in and says, 'what a lovely fish!' The Bishop says, 'Mother Superior! Father caught the Fucker, I cleaned the Fucker, can you cook the Fucker..."

    "I've picked the problem with your joke."

    I'm fucking over it now, "what the **** do you mean, you've picked a problem with my joke?"

    "There's no nuns in a monastery like there's no monks in a nunnery."

    "Are you fucking kidding me? You interrupted the joke for that, **** you! Have you heard this joke before?"

    "No."

    "Well **** you, you're not going to hear it, this is one of my all time favourite jokes and you aren't going to hear it," as I got up and went to bed.

    He called out to me as I shut my door, "it's not my fault I'm Catholic."

    Seriously. That just went down. One of my personal favourites and an awesome joke ruined because of a fucking know it all.

    Wanna hear the rest of the joke?
    Quote Originally Posted by Mr. Machette View Post
    Ups to Battlefields for dropping the sage wisdom.

    You are like a Pimp Yoda.
    Quote Originally Posted by Tranquil Suit View Post
    Battlefields... You're more of a man than I am.
    GET A RED BELT OR DIE TRYIN'.
  2. Devil is offline
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    His heart was visible, and the dismal sack that maketh excrement of what is eaten.

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    Posted On:
    8/06/2012 11:34am

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    6
    Hell yeah! Hell no!
    Quote Originally Posted by battlefields View Post
    Wanna hear the rest of the joke?
    Maybe. How old was the priest?
  3. dflanmod is offline
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    Posted On:
    8/06/2012 12:00pm

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    5
    Hell yeah! Hell no!
    Did the nun shave her nether regions???? Just need to know so I can understand the joke.
  4. slamdunc is offline
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    Posted On:
    8/06/2012 12:11pm

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    --
    Hell yeah! Hell no!
    Even though I had to read that in sessions, I feel for you. I had a roommate once; he wasn't bad, but his fucking cockatoo was annoying.

    I do mean the bird.

  5. Azatdawn is offline

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    Posted On:
    8/06/2012 12:35pm


     Style: Thaiboxing; MMA nb

    1
    Hell yeah! Hell no!
    You've been trolled, then you ragequit. Challenge him to a duel
  6. The Question is offline
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    Octopussy!

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    Posted On:
    8/06/2012 3:18pm

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    1
    Hell yeah! Hell no!
    It ends like this:

    "The Pope stares at them for a minute with a steely glaze, leans back on his chair, takes off his cap, puts his feet up on the table, pours himself a whiskey and says "You know what?, You cunts are alright".

    ************ this joke aint even all that funny, mayne. I was sure the punchline was going to be something like:

    "The boy said to the priest, 'you want a fucker?' And then the priest looked at the nun, then the boy and said, I don't wanna **** her (fucker), I wanna **** you!!!".

    LOLOLOLOLOLOLOL.

    **** remind me of those incredibly inane jokes I used to hear in high school, one of which featured a young woman named "Fuckarada".
    Quote Originally Posted by Goju - joe
    being a dick with skill is only marginally better than being a dick without skill.
  7. slamdunc is offline
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    Posted On:
    8/06/2012 3:24pm

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    --
    Hell yeah! Hell no!
    Quote Originally Posted by The Question View Post
    ************ this joke aint even all that funny, mayne. I was sure the punchline was going to be something like:

    "The boy said to the priest, 'you want a fucker?' And then the priest looked at the nun, then the boy and said, I don't wanna **** her (fucker), I wanna **** you!!!".

    LOLOLOLOLOLOLOL.
    I like your punchline better, but battlefields put a lot of thought into that **** and did a bunch of typing.

  8. Mr. Machette is online now

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    Posted On:
    8/06/2012 4:19pm

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    --
    Hell yeah! Hell no!
    Sounds like a total prick.

    Had one of those, but add senility, narcicism and volatile drug addict friends into the mix. Total self centered a-hole.

    Don't live with him anymore...
  9. battlefields is offline
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    Posted On:
    8/06/2012 4:56pm

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     Style: BJJ/ MMA/ MT

    --
    Hell yeah! Hell no!
    Quote Originally Posted by The Question View Post
    It ends like this:

    "The Pope stares at them for a minute with a steely glaze, leans back on his chair, takes off his cap, puts his feet up on the table, pours himself a whiskey and says "You know what?, You cunts are alright".

    ************ this joke aint even all that funny, mayne. I was sure the punchline was going to be something like:

    "The boy said to the priest, 'you want a fucker?' And then the priest looked at the nun, then the boy and said, I don't wanna **** her (fucker), I wanna **** you!!!".

    LOLOLOLOLOLOLOL.

    **** remind me of those incredibly inane jokes I used to hear in high school, one of which featured a young woman named "Fuckarada".
    Mang, the fact that you think that joke isn't funny tells me more about your comedic delivery than the product.

    You missed a few crucial elements, though, the Pope doesn't pour himself a whiskey, your ending is too tame:

    The Pope looks at each of them, throws his feet up on the table and leans back, grabs a bottle of whiskey and drains it, sparks a blunt and says, "you know what? You cunts are alright."

    It's all about delivery. **** with the delivery and joke goes to ****. This guy was know it alling about being a comedic talent, yet couldn't keep his trap shut because he, and I must emphasize this, HE WAS TRYING TO FIND A FAULT IN THE DETAILS OF THE SCRIPT. Who the **** doesn't employ a certain level of suspended belief when listening to a joke? A douchebag know it all.

    He wasn't trolling. Trolling are when you deliberately do something to get a reaction from the other person. He wasn't trying to get a reaction from me, he was aiming to ruin the joke prior to the punchline so he could be aloof from the humour, act like it wasn't that great a joke and tell me about the time when he totally told a better joke that totally got an awesome reaction. He quite literally tried to tell me that he had once told The Aristocrats joke that he built up over "three hours, because (he's) a comedy genius", and here's the kicker, "you shouldn't tell this to work colleagues because it'll get you fired for harassment."

    No, douchebag, you didn't get fired because you told a joke, you got fired because you drunk dialed on numerous occasions a woman 20 years your junior and said to her inappropriate things like, "you've got a cute butt", and that she "should watch who she opens (her) legs for". On fucking voicemail. That's a new level of retardation.
    Quote Originally Posted by Mr. Machette View Post
    Ups to Battlefields for dropping the sage wisdom.

    You are like a Pimp Yoda.
    Quote Originally Posted by Tranquil Suit View Post
    Battlefields... You're more of a man than I am.
    GET A RED BELT OR DIE TRYIN'.
  10. Tranquil Suit is online now
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    Posted On:
    8/06/2012 5:02pm

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    --
    Hell yeah! Hell no!
    Honestly, it's an average joke at best.
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