So I tapped to an anxiety attack...

**XXIV** · Posted On: 7/24/2012 9:48pm

I had a weird problem today. It's only my third submission grappling class, 2nd judo class. Just to establish, I'm out of shape, 270 lbs 5'7" and female and I decided to do Judo and submission grapp. back to back today. May have been a mistake because I threw up and my muscles were shot.

Also to preface: I have said it on here before, I was a victim of long term sexual abuse/manipulation and sexual assault from about 15-18 and I internalized it for about 3 years. As a result, I suffer from PTSD that I'm trying to eradicate from my life. Part of the reason why I am getting so into sub. grappling is because I want to learn to escape being mounted like I was.

I have an endlessly hard time getting my technique right and using my shrimps to escape. During open roll one of the other newbies was rolling with me. We're both big - probably ~250 for him. We started on knees he landed on top of me and I desperately tried to shrimp to escape because I couldn't quite get him in my guard. Both of us spazzing, obviously since I've only been doing this a 2 weeks at most.

It went on and he tried to armbar me, accidentally gave him my back and he was going in to choke me (improperly, i was trying to 'sit out' i guess?) and it hit me like a ton of bricks - I felt like I was going to vomit right then and there. I started shaking and sort of went limp and hyperventilated. Flashbacks set in. I tapped, saying I had to vomit.

I tapped to a FUCKING anxiety attack. Coach doesn't know yet, I'm really humiliated by this. Curled up on the floor in the dojo bathroom crying like a little bitch and I couldn't seem to stop it. I mean that's fucking embarrassing.

I intend to keep rolling and I do not intend to give up but I had to stop after that for the night. I'm pretty angry at myself.

Just had to get that off my chest

**lordbd** · Posted On: 7/24/2012 9:55pm

So sorry to hear about the episode. Don't quit training but start off doing what you're comfortable with. It takes a lot of inner strength to face the old feelings. It sounds stupid but what you went through could be part of the healing process. Do you have a therapist? They might be able to guide you through these triggering experiences.

**XXIV** · Posted On: 7/24/2012 9:56pm

Originally Posted by lordbd

So sorry to hear about the episode. Don't quit training but start off doing what you're comfortable with. Do you have a therapist? They might be able to guide you through these triggering experiences.

I do, I have my weekly with him tomorrow so hopefully we can talk it out. I'm scared he will tell me to stop training. I just feel pretty bummed out about what happened.

**lordbd** · Posted On: 7/24/2012 9:59pm

Originally Posted by XXIV

I do, I have my weekly with him tomorrow so hopefully we can talk it out. I'm scared he will tell me to stop training. I just feel pretty bummed out about what happened.

If it makes you feel any better I tap sometimes just because I'm a sissy.

**XXIV** · Posted On: 7/24/2012 9:59pm

Originally Posted by lordbd

If it makes you feel any better I tap sometimes just because I'm a sissy.

Hah, you know just how to cheer a gal' up

***jnp*** · Posted On: 7/24/2012 10:01pm

Originally Posted by XXIV

I had a weird problem today. It's only my third submission grappling class, 2nd judo class. Just to establish, I'm out of shape, 270 lbs 5'7" and female and I decided to do Judo and submission grapp. back to back today. May have been a mistake because I threw up and my muscles were shot.

Also to preface: I have said it on here before, I was a victim of long term sexual abuse/manipulation and sexual assault from about 15-18 and I internalized it for about 3 years. As a result, I suffer from PTSD that I'm trying to eradicate from my life. Part of the reason why I am getting so into sub. grappling is because I want to learn to escape being mounted like I was.

I have an endlessly hard time getting my technique right and using my shrimps to escape. During open roll one of the other newbies was rolling with me. We're both big - probably ~250 for him. We started on knees he landed on top of me and I desperately tried to shrimp to escape because I couldn't quite get him in my guard. Both of us spazzing, obviously since I've only been doing this a 2 weeks at most.

It went on and he tried to armbar me, accidentally gave him my back and he was going in to choke me (improperly, i was trying to 'sit out' i guess?) and it hit me like a ton of bricks - I felt like I was going to vomit right then and there. I started shaking and sort of went limp and hyperventilated. Flashbacks set in. I tapped, saying I had to vomit.

I tapped to a FUCKING anxiety attack. Coach doesn't know yet, I'm really humiliated by this. Curled up on the floor in the dojo bathroom crying like a little bitch and I couldn't seem to stop it. I mean that's fucking embarrassing.

I intend to keep rolling and I do not intend to give up but I had to stop after that for the night. I'm pretty angry at myself.

Just had to get that off my chest

Although your reasons are your own, you are not the first to have an anxiety attack during a grappling class. I've seen some people go through, and experienced firsthand, emotional fallout from long past events that occurred in wrestling, BJJ and Judo classes.

For instance, I've dealt with grief over loved ones lost a year ago or more that seemed to appear out of nowhere during class. This has happened three separate times.

I've also witnessed two soldiers have significant PTSD episodes while at class.

It's not unusual, and it's not a sign that you need to stop.

I would consider only taking one class per day until your body becomes a bit more acclimatized to class. This has nothing to do with weight loss and everything to do with getting through class and having energy left over afterward.

**lordbd** · Posted On: 7/24/2012 10:03pm

It might take time, but I bet you get to the point where you roll and choke fuckers out with nary a care beyond which choke to choose.

**ChenPengFi** · Posted On: 7/24/2012 10:08pm

Jnp, as eloquent as always.
Nicely put.

I'll just add that MAs have helped me in so many ways, and yeah, that stuff is all a part of the process.

***battlefields*** · Posted On: 7/24/2012 10:11pm

Firstly, it's not embarrassing to tap. Ever. If you feel you are in danger, tap. I've tapped because I felt like I was going to vomit, because I suddenly became very aware that I couldn't breathe and there was another lifeforce on top of me that wasn't moving. I vomited outside, repeatedly, just to let you know. I imagine much of that was anxiety, maybe even an attack. I was an ultran00b at the time.

Secondly, seek professional help. I'm not saying that in a douchebag way. I personally have seen a psychologist recently, I did so because things had happened in my life and even though I thought I was on top of them, I needed to make sure. The mind can convince you everything is fine by suppressing things and there is no shame in making sure these things are dealt with properly, not hidden under a veil of self deceit. Fortunately it turned out that I am indeed awesome at handling things in my life and I only needed to see the psychologist a couple of times and that was just to make sure my ego wasn't fucking with me.

Thirdly, and this is the clincher, you're an ultran00b! You're spazzing. You're finding yourself in situations you have never been in before. Yes, you've had someone mounted you with nefarious intentions, but you've never had a training partner who is there to help you do it. It's freaky, yes, considering your past, but you have done a couple of lessons so far, which shows you have some inner strength. Inner strength is getting a workout here as well, like the body!

You're exerting all of your energy. You're unfit. You're not accustomed to the intensity of the exercise. This is NATURAL. If you suddenly decided to run a marathon, would you expect to keep up a strong pace for the entire 40+km? Hell no, you'd be weeping after 5! You'd have to walk. ****, you'd probably throw up while just fucking walking the last 10km. It's expected, so expect it.

Relax. It'll get better.

**judokarl** · Posted On: 7/24/2012 10:13pm

During Karate my best friend went from having a good hard hitting sparring session to full on survival mode flail/attack. The moment I realized this I stopped attacking her and let her regain herself. It sucks but it happens to people sometimes. Heck the reason I have her taking Karate and Judo is so when the situation happens again she will be able to do something about it .