Disney World's Dark Secrets
Okay, maybe not dark secrets. Just some observations from our recent family vacation.
*Fedor now sells turkey legs at Hollywood Studios. Or maybe it's his secret twin brother. I tried to get his picture but my efforts resulted in a melted camera and a strange desire to outfit myself with a Glorious Sweater of Absolute Victory.
*Gay Days at Disney isn't until the end of May. I know because I purposely scheduled our trip to miss it. The rest of the gays failed to notify one chubby, hairy loaner dressed in skin tight aquamarine nylon Daisy Dukes. We saw him everywhere we went. I think God sent him to troll me. He actually laid on his back on a brick wall in a crowded courtyard in front of Splash Mountain for about 10 minutes......with his knees pulled up to his chest - stretching??? and giving all the little Mousketeers a view of his scantily clad ass and balls. Nice.
*In case there were any questions, I'll clear it up. Asians dress like **** and are fucking obsessed with photography. Despite repeated reminders not to use flash photography, on Spaceship Earth I had to put up with an Asian guy two cars back snapping a picture with a flash at EVERY goddamn display on the ride, which is supposed to be dark. Asshole. His buddies almost got some pictures of me with my foot in his ass to take home.
*White people take too many fucking pictures too. Especially of themselves. Their vanity has no limits. That **** is lame. I saw people getting off rides taking pictures of the pictures displayed of them on the rides. Which also makes them cheap bastards since they can buy the pictures in the gift shop.
*Apparently, most black folks don't do Disney. There weren't many there. There were a fuckton of pasty Brits though. Not sure why, but my kids had a blast swimming with the little British kids. I think they thought they were at a Harry Potter attraction.
*It's hard times on teh str33tz. Just ask the dumbass college kid sitting at the bus stop in his Occupy Wall Street t-shirt and angry face. Actually, letters were crossed out and added so it said Occupy All Streets. Clever. Because, yeah. It sucks sitting at the bus stop at your Disney resort, waiting for a ride to the Magic Kingdom to kick off your $5K vacation Mommy and Daddy paid for. Rage on, brother. Rage on.
*MILFs. 'Nuff said.
*People suck at being parents. A lot of them go through a ton of effort and expense planning the perfect family vacation, then spend the whole time yelling at their kids. **** those people.
*La Nouba, the Cirque du Soleil show is THE most awesome thing you can do at Disney World. Fucking trapeze artists, stunt bike riders, dudes jumping into three story windows backwards from a trampoline, a ************ doing hand stands on top of what is basically a six foot stack of tin cans. And don't even get me started on the baddest little girls on the planet flipping their spools on a string. Dayum! You know how most of the time when you clap at a show it's just to be nice? Well when you clap at this **** goddammit, you mean it.
*Don't drink beer at the World Showcase at Epcot at 2:00 in the afternoon. It seems like a great idea at the time. Then about 3:30 you leave your shady restaurant and have to hoof it way back to Mission Space while the sun radiates off the hot ass Florida pavement. Not good.
*Crippled people suck. Actually I don't hate people because they're crippled. There's usually something else about them that makes me hate them. In this case, it's their fucking Hover-round scooters. Those sumbitches are EVERYWHERE at Disney. My real problem is that people abuse them. They get to go to the front of the line on all the rides along with their whole family. They get seating up front at all the shows along with their whole family. They get loaded on the bus first along with their whole family.
But the real kicker is that for about 95% of them their only apparent "handicap" is that they weigh more than my Liberty gun safe. So you have a whole line of children at Disney World waiting on Big Mike because he likes to eat fried chicken four times a day. Cocksuckers.
*Don't let your wife shop for your clothes. Much to my chagrin, I was shat upon by a rather rude bird shortly after my arrival at the park one day. My lovely wife kindly volunteered to buy a shirt for me at one of the many gift shops. I went to the restroom to change, opened the bag and found my brand new pink Disney World t-shirt, complete with a great big rainbow. **** me. Trolled again by my own wife.
That was hilarious, thanks for the review!
You have finally found one thing you and I can agree upon.
BTW, you left out the Disney Castmembers portraying the Disney Princesses. I thought Jasmine was especially stunning and gladly stood in line for an hour with my daughter to get the photo and autograph. If you missed the Princesses, you missed out.
Originally Posted by Devil
Nah, we didn't miss the princesses. We did character dining at Cinderella's Royal Table in the castle. My daughter met Cinderella downstairs then all the other princesses came to visit us at our table.
Originally Posted by Styygens
How's this for a Disney secret....any infiltrator worth their salt knows about Magic Kingdom's underground "utilidor" circuit, which is basically a secret way of traversing the park underground as well as storing lots of...stuff.
It's even supposed to have a little Magic Dungeon i.e. jail where they keep shoplifters, drunks, and hooligans for police pickup, all out of the sight of the parkgoers.
There was a time back in the 90's when finding access to this complex and getting pictures was considered a grand hack, nowadays it's a lot easier to find images of the entrances (hidden in plain sight all over the park) or tunnels on Google.
Last edited by W. Rabbit; 5/15/2012 4:32pm at .
Last edited by W. Rabbit; 5/15/2012 4:23pm at .
I knew about the utilidor but I didn't realize it was that extensive. When I heard people referring to it I thought it was just a workspace under individual rides. I didn't know it was like that.
Aw, I thought this was gonna be about the secret underground child labor tunnels or something.
Disney has some stones to suggest that the happiest place on earth is in Florida.
EDIT: W.Rabbit posted some sweet tunnel diagrams and stuff while I was writing so I retract my complaint.
Nine acres of tunnels...a rabbit can only take so much excitement!
Last edited by W. Rabbit; 5/15/2012 4:37pm at .
This was our second trip. Disney World can be pretty damn awesome. It can also be a ************ if it's crowded. We only had one or two days like that out of 15 combined days from both trips.
Originally Posted by Permalost
I picked early May, before Memorial Day while school is still in and it's not too hot yet. The only slammed day was Saturday. I really can't imagine trying to do a week during peak seasons. It would suck horribly.