The *NEW* Ballad of Steven Seagal

[Arskanator]

Nice witticism , Colin.
If Seagal had played his cards right by actually learning a little something over the years, and was not such an idiot - he could have had a spot in the Expendables movies.

Maybe. But instead, we got to lol at him playing a mexican in a movie that was actually decent.
Does that panda look scared to you guys?

[Arskanator]

Also, love the ballad. So funny xD

[LesbianSeagal]

I don't know about you guys, but I personally can't wait until Stevie is found dead on the toilet with a bucket of extra-crispy between his legs.

[Permalost]

I don't know about you guys, but I personally can't wait until Stevie is found dead on the toilet with a bucket of extra-crispy between his legs.

I'm sure there will be something far more inappropriate there than a bucket of chicken.

[LesbianSeagal]

I'm sure there will be something far more inappropriate there than a bucket of chicken.

Well there's already his stomach...

[bobyclumsyninja]

he'll OD on spray-on-hair fumes, that man was balding in his breakout movie...decades ago.

[LesbianSeagal]

he'll OD on spray-on-hair fumes, that man was balding in his breakout movie...decades ago.

He was faking his fighting-ability too, it was cheesier than a thousand fondue-pots.

[Sri Hanuman]

Oh, are we having a ballad-off? And no one invited ballad monkey? Monkey sad now.

No photoshop for you. Hum this to the tune of "the boxer" by Simon and Garfunkel.

I am just a Lama from a village in Tibet
Though a while ago I tried to to lay some claims to ties with local native Indians

Swinging arms
Acting big and tough
I travelled all the way down to Japan
Wearing black pajamas throwing tiny men

When I mastered my aikido
I flew back to USA
Using only my aikido kicks to lift me from the ground

When I landed down on Hollywood
I flattened Gene Lebell
All the stories that he tells are lies
And people who collaborate are mockers and assumes, in their anger and their shame
And they're lying and they're lying
But the Lama still remains

When I hit it big in Hollywood
I knew that I was set
Now the world has seen my awesomeness
And knew that I could snap their backs with powerful aikido moves

I do declare 
I like hookers of that south-east Asian flare
And I like to punch them while they lick my hair

Now my movies go to DVDs 
Without much public screen
But that only means they're awesome
And that viewers can not wait to take the action home

All my character are similar 
And all the plot lines blur
Something something cop
Revenge and something something
With a gun and tiny Asian girls

Then the stuff with the mob
And maybe jail and ninjas too
Throw in sex scenes with a wrinkly ass or two

Now I'm Sheriffing louisiana
Riding in a van
Getting winded climbing stairs
And polishing a handgun that I can not shoot

Buy my music and sports drink
Mojo Priest was awesome 
Crystal Cave was moot

Now I'm packing up my awesomeness and hitting UFC
Teaching my Aikido kicks
Out there for the world to see

And I'm awesome and I'm winning
And there's no one quite as good
It's too bad that all these mockers 
False assumers and detractors
Are all bleeding me
(my hair's receding me)

So when Buddha comes to pick me up
We're heading to Tibet
To stop ninjas and Mongolians 
From stealing all the secret scrolls of Lamahood
And we'll take William Shatner 
And his technicolor hair
And we'll live on top of Sumeru
And take some comfort there.

[Devil]

he'll OD on spray-on-hair fumes, that man was balding in his breakout movie...decades ago.

Ten thousand bucks says he dies of popcorn lung.

[Permalost]

Ten thousand bucks says he dies of popcorn chicken.

fixed