**** just got weird...
UFC Star Alistair Overeem Responds to Doping Charges
In response to the recent announcement of his failed drug test, Ultimate Fighting Championship heavyweight contender Alistair Overeem has released a shocking 51-page exposé entitled Reaching The Pinnacle of Humanity, detailing the underground world of performance-enhancement for elite athletes.
Overeem, 31, failed a surprise doping test last week with testosterone levels more than twice as high as the acceptable limit.
Facing the possibility of being disqualified from his shot at the title at UFC 146 in May, Overeem said he “was forced to defend himself from false accusations of cheating.” Mixed martial arts fans jumped to the defense of Overeem, who is a rising star in the wildly popular UFC.While many fans were shocked by the failed drug test, many more were shocked by his response, which includes an inside look at not only his workout regimen, but every minuscule detail of his life, from his sleeping plan (duration, position, room temperature, etc.) to his reading list (he apparently has an infatuation with American author Stephanie Myer). Although his records have yet to be independently validated, each section is signed & notarized by the various scientists, doctors, and technicians that trained him.
In the introductory section of the document, Overeem claims to have enrolled in top-secret programs run by his native Dutch government and several other national governments around the world.
As I stepped off the plane in Beijing in early 2003, I was greeted by Vice Chairman of China’s Central Military Commission Xi Jinping and General Guo Boxiong, who escorted me to our meeting with the newly elected President Hu Jintao. During the thirty-minute limo ride, they began to describe their state-of-the-art facilities and techniques they claimed were far beyond the capabilities of any other nation in the world. After apologising for my subpar command of the Mandarin language, I admitted that I was very intrigued by their facilities. Unbeknownst to me, the glistening facilities and staggering research budgets were just the tip of the iceberg.He goes on describe his time as ‘enjoyable, but quite lacking in comparison to the mental stimulation that I usually depend on to help me prepare for my fights.’ Because of this, he ended his stint with the Chinese program, but not without having something to show for it. During his 3 years working with the Chinese, Overeem had moved from the light-heavyweight division at 205 lbs to the heavyweight division, weighing in at 224 lbs. But this was just the beginning of his development.
When we finally reached our rendezvous with President Jintao, I could sense an aura of excitement emanating from my escorts. They had clearly been hiding something important from me. Taking a seat at the head of a long mahogany conference table, President Jintao began to describe to me a program that was much more than just a new lifting regimen: it was a revolutionary approach to the human body.
In exchange for enrolling into their program, President Jintao promised that his team of scientists and engineers would help me win the Pride Championship Belt. ‘You’re gonna knockout that punk Chuck Liddell in the first round son, word is bond.’ Uncomfortable with making a such an important decision with too much haste, I implied that I needed some time to think about it. Before I could finish my sentence, President Jintao cut me off, saying ‘Look, I know that becoming the-greatest-fighter-that-has-graced-this-planet-since-Bruce-Lee might not be that much of an incentive, but I didn’t get a chance to tell you about the female division of the program that we will be running within the same facility…,’ and that was all that it took.
There were no lengthy contracts to sign, no lawyers present, and no media conferences. We had just made a verbal agreement to partake in the most important advancement of humanity since Gutenberg’s invention of movable type, and the rest of the world was totally unaware.
- Alistair Overeem, excerpt from Reaching The Pinnacle of Humanity
Visual Timeline of Alistair Overeem's Weight Changes
Later, while describing some of the other programs he joined in various countries, he also touches upon the subject of his massive weight gains. Some fans, and even other fighters, have questioned the alarming rate at which he is able to add muscle weight, and some have even suggested that he must be using steroids. Overeem himself seems to have seen the bulking up as an inevitable step in his career as a fighter.
I have nothing negative to say about those governments which I worked with: the Japanese surpassed my greatest expectations by molding me into an expert sumo wrestler, the Americans provided me the best dental care available in the world, and the Italians introduced me to several wine varieties that completely changed my diet. However, I wanted to return to my homeland during my final preparations before joining the UFC. It had taken me 3 years to put on 20 pounds of muscle, but I knew that it was not enough. If I wanted to win the heavyweight title, I would have to compete with colossal fighters such as Brock Lesnar and Shane Carwin, who was 30 pounds heavier than me. So, with the full backing of my country, I embarked upon the most difficult training I had experienced at the time.After the in-depth descriptions of his super-human transformation, Overeem finally addresses his failed drug test, declaring his innocence.
Daily workouts that lasted from sunrise to sunset, meals that consisted nothing more than milk, fresh fruits, raw fish, and vegetables, and little time to rest. This was my life for 18 months, during which time I went from 224 to 253 lbs, while managing to significantly increase my stamina and quickness.
Throughout my entire career, not once has anything entered my body which I did not approve of. Every single calorie eaten, every ounce of blood drawn, it has all been documented, and it all leads to one unavoidable conclusion. I have always complied with the rules of the fighting organisations of which I have been a member, and I have never used any illegal performance-enhancing substances.Brock Lesnar, whom Overeem defeated at UFC 141 with a TKO in the first round, could not be reached for comment. Since their fight, Lesnar has retired from mixed martial arts and returned to professional wrestling. However, UFC President Dana White seemed stunned upon hearing the news.
So how did I fail a drug test? The answer is quite simple. It is not I who failed, it is the drug test that has failed. The Nevada State Athletic Commission and the World Anti-Doping Agency are using testing methods that trail the advances of science by several decades. My elevated testosterone levels are not the result of any cheating or illegal activities. I had no unfair advantages during my fights.
I am, quite simply, a better human being.
The advanced training methods I used, particularly those implemented by the Chinese government, are so precise that they can alter the body, down to its chemical composition. Had the test been advanced enough, it would also have shown that my atomic composition is what they would consider “abnormal”. While the average human has 0.00000000003 grams of radium, my body contains nearly 2,000 times that amount. This is a result of several years of experimenting and tweaking my diet, mostly by replacing protein shakes with white wine.
Oh, ****.With the Nevada State Athletic Commission currently investigating Overeem’s application to fight in Las Vegas on May 26 at UFC 146, the entire sports world will be keeping a watchful eye on the situation, which could change the change the entire landscape of professional sports.
- Dana White, UFC President
Editor’s Note: Neither President Jintao nor any other leader mentioned by Overheem could be reached for comment prior to the publishing of this story. Special thanks to America’s Finest News Source for their contributions to this article.