Tortilla tells stories
I can't believe nobody has taken you up on this.
Originally Posted by Vince Tortelli
Tortilla tells stories
As requested, I shall know use this thead to compile the saga of my younger brother, BJORN (not actually his real name). Why did I choose such a pseudo Viking pseudonym? Well, if this thread stays active long enough for me to post all my stories, it'll be easy to understand why.
Originally Posted by Snake Plissken
THE SAGA OF BJORN
Bjorn is three years younger, five inches shorter, and fifty pounds lighter than me, stats which have remained relatively constant in the 23 years I have known him. Some people would react to having a larger person constantly shoving their face into the dirt by becoming passive, humble people who seek to avoid conflict by diplomacy and compromise.
Bjorn responded by developing the same "Never give up, never surrender!" attitude that characterized rabid hyenas, then honed his physical powers by pursuing the beasts of the field with pointy sticks and rocks ( He mocks firearms, bows and arrows, and any other tool that allows one to kill from a distance as "sissy thingies".)
When I became interested in martial arts, I began to utilize Bjorn as the most readily availible and indestructible substitute for a grappling dummy/heavy bag. For his part, he was interested in learning more efficient and awesome ways to kill things with his bare hands. And so it was that we entered our first grappling tournament. At the time, I had been training Han Mu Do for about four months, Bjorn's total experience was:
1. Wrestling around with me
2. A cover to cover reading of Eddie Bravo's first treatise on grappling, Jiu Jitsu Unleashed
My matches involved being splattered all over the mat by the same judo brown/BJJ blue belt in every division.
Meanwhile, on the lighter people side of the mat, Bjorn was matched up against a 190 pound guy who continually told stories about beating people up in Wal Mart parking lots. They tied up, and he promptly tried to slam Bjorn through the mat by virtue of his biggerness....and was promptly tied up in a picture perfect "New York" position.
Bjorn then yanked his shin across the guys neck and rolled out onto one side, trapping the big guy in an inverted arm bar (Picture a regular juji gatame, but the armbarer is on his belly and the arm baree has his face on the ground and his back towards the ceiling)
But this man is a scourge of parking lots across the South! His girlfriend is watching from the stands! No way is he going to tap out in 30 seconds to a tiny little guy like Bjorn! So he begins to squirm and twist...but is going nowhere.
Bjorn looks at him. Bjorn looks at the referee. The referee looks at Bjorn. Bjorn shrugs, then arches his back, with the effect of the big guy's elbow making a sound not unlike that of someone tap dancing on bubble wrap. NOW he decides to tap, accompanied by shrieks of agony, and has to be taken out of the building on a stretcher.
On the plus side, in the matches after this people promplty tapped to holds as soon as they took effect. And when it felt like they MIGHT be about to take effect. And when it looked like it they might be about to feel like the holds were about to take effect.
Bjorn wound up taking a silver medal after losing by three points to an honest to goodness blue belt, and almost submitting the guy with a triangle.
I finally managed to drag a bronze medal out of the no gi division by forearm choking a much smaller guy and having an older gentleman tap from exhaustion.
This tournament had grappling and point sparring divisions, and we decided to compete in both since the price was the same.
Bjorn (whose only striking training was the usual boxing gloves roughhousing with me and our dad, plus repeated viewings of Bloodsport and Under Siege) did quite well thanks to his "unorthodox style", but wound up being disqualified for excessive contact after knocking his 6'3 opponent's contact lens out with a jumping hook kick.
When I met the guy in the finals, I had vowed to avenge my family's honor (You'd think being disqualifed from a tournament wouldn't be a big stain on family honor, but our family doesn't have much to begin with, so...). After being warned for holding the front his of dobok to facilitate repeated ridge hand strikes to his noggin, and then being denied any points for a TOTALLY AWESOME dragon suplex because "that is not a recognized Han Mu Do throw" I was finally able to leg sweep the guy to the floor and pin him for 25 seconds to take the gold in point sparring. (Han Mu Do sparring rules are a bit odd.)
So, to summarize:
The guy with actual training:
1 bronze medal in grappling, by preying on the weak and the old
1 gold medal in point sparring
The guy who trains by running through the woods like Tarzan and killing animals with his hands:
1 silver medal in grappling, in tough matches against actual competion.
Disqualified from point sparring due to too much awesome.
More to follow.
Last edited by Vince Tortelli; 9/19/2011 10:28pm at .
You should get your own thread. This is far too good for this clusterfuck. I found this most excellent, most excellent indeed.
Originally Posted by Vince Tortelli
Maybe get the mods to excise this post and place it somewhere nice after this all gets trollshido'ed
Originally Posted by Judoka_UK
Vince, im just done reading the story.
Vince has told me a ton of his "brother" stories via PM and I think Coach Josh has checked in with a couple and they are downright hilarious.
As an aside, Vince:
I sent Danno the link to your brother's hillbilly hoghuntin' video.
So Vince and Bjorn huh. Damn, my life is dull.
Originally Posted by snake plissken
Sharky, I will leave that awesomeness to the Guest of Honor.
Originally Posted by Moenstah